


Broken Beauty...

by Lymers



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:14:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 51,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23041576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lymers/pseuds/Lymers
Summary: Nicole believes she is unlovable. Can Waverly change her heart?
Relationships: Jeremy Chetri & Waverly Earp, Waverly Earp & Champ Hardy, Waverly Earp & Chrissy Nedley, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp & Alice Michelle, Wynonna Earp/Doc Holliday
Comments: 133
Kudos: 226





	1. That was then (Spring 2018)

Spring 2018… 

The woman at the check-in desk took Nicole’s ticket, scanning the details, handing it back. “London, lucky you. Vacation?”

“Work. Couple of months.”

“You been before?”

“First time. Rains loads.”

“Wouldn’t know honey. You enjoy your vacation.”

Nicole picked up her hand luggage, on route to the departure gate, JFK airport humming with activity. She had travelled plenty, never to England, her uncle always making the trip to see his brother and family in America. No family of his own, several long-term partners, he was ready to bring Nicole into his business, with a view to letting her roll-out his European vision once she was on board with his ideas.

An Anglophile, he found his dream house in the south of England. A swirling mass of architectural nonsense, sand-coloured bricks, glass and chrome, its modern curving outline inspired by Ethiopian round huts was perfect for his eccentric ways. The property, irreverently called Hollywood on the Beaulieu, was frowned upon by his closest neighbours more used to conventional architecture. He didn’t care. It spoke quirky luxury, a statement piece of design, too unusual for him to pass up when the opportunity to buy presented itself. 

Uncle Dan sent a car to collect his niece from Heathrow, the journey to his house spent texting friends in the States, saying how cold and how small everything was compared to home. Nicole’s phone rang. Shae wanted to know if she had arrived safely. “Driving through London right now. You’d love it. How you doing without me?”

“Stressing about the exam tomorrow. Wish you were here to relax me. Facetime later and I’ll show you my abs.”

“Need more than abs to keep me going. Dan’s place is in the middle of nowhere. Wait, I see a werewolf. I’m being attacked by werewolves.”

“So lame. Don’t forget to facetime. You can show me your uncle’s haunted house.”

Shae hung up, Nicole missing her already. Her studies to become a doctor were taking up more of Shae’s time, both agreeing now would be best for Nicole to go do and see things in England to placate her uncle. 

Dan was in the swimming pool when the car drew up, watching its lights cut across the glass exterior walls. Leaving the pool, he headed to the entrance still in his swimwear, not one for formality. “Welcome. Welcome. You hungry? I can get Nigel to make you something.”

“It’s OK. Really tired. Where am I sleeping?”

“Living room. Airbed alright for you?”

“Sure. Wherever is great.”

“I’m pulling your leg. Fourth bedroom off the hall. Thought you’d like to be near the exercise studio. How’s my brother and your mom?”

“Dad’s OK. New tennis coach. Mom’s pissed. He’s better than her and she got him into the game.”

“That’s my brother. I’m throwing an open house for local families and businesses tomorrow evening. Hoping to get you a few British contacts, who say quaint British things. Think of it as part of your cultural education.”

“Thanks Dan. Really appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it. I’ll give you a quick tour of the place tomorrow. If you want to use the pool, it’s at the far end. Towels in the changing area. Large library of films in the cinema room if you get bored. Ignore my selections, I’m a Die Hard and Harry Potter fan.”

“Where do I get water?”

“Right. Kitchen. This way. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridges. Don’t cook anything yourself, Nigel is fussy about his pans.”

“Got it. How do I order pizza?”

“Never, ever order pizza. Repeat, never order pizza. Nigel will gut you with his fish knife if he so much as smells a delivery boy approaching. Number for Topps Pizza is by the phone in my study. Their Hawaiian is to die for. Extra jalapenos. Say Dan’s heat level. You’ll love it. Trust me.”

Nicole knew she would enjoy her time with Dan. His business acumen had allowed him to build up an outdoor clothing business from nothing. Professional skier, a bad fall left him paralysed from the waist down. Realising he had two choices in life, curl up and let it beat him, or get on with it, he chose the latter. 

Dumping her bags in her room, flopping on the bed, she pulled out her phone, waiting for Shae’s face to appear. “So, what’s it like?”

“Amazing. It’s amazing. So cool. I wish you could see it. I can show you if you want, but I’m not sure where everything is.”

“I’m right in the middle of studying. Tomorrow. Don’t call me too early, or after 9am. I’m so stressed.”

“I can help take your mind off the exam, if you give me a moment.”

“Don’t. I won’t be able to concentrate. Wow, OK so I’m missing that. Nicole stop, I’m getting too turned on. OMG. I’ve got to go. That’s so hot, Haught. Love you. Miss you.”

Shae ended the facetime leaving Nicole to finish off using only her imagination. The shower in her bedroom helped ease the jet lag. Several texts later, she fell asleep, the sunlight streaming in the next morning waking her, having forgotten to close the blinds. Dan was already up, Nigel preparing breakfast.

“Morning squiggle. Nigel this is my niece, I’ve told her no pizzas.”

“Devil’s food. Keep telling Dan it’s not good for his waistline. Don’t let me catch you two eating it. What can I get you? Cereal, toast, eggs, you name it. If we don’t have it I can order on the next grocery shop.”

“Cereal. I was wondering how I’ll get around?”

“I’ve bought a small car for you. You’ll need to get used to the roads. Nigel has offered to go with you on your first few trips. Get a feel for the area.”

“Driven in Italy. Man that was crazy. Any good places I should know about?”

“Beaulieu village is close. Michelle runs the fine arts shop. Told her you were coming over. Said she’d be happy to introduce you to some of the local artists. One of her daughters has just finished a fine arts degree similar to yours, I think.”

“I have my camera with me. None of my art equipment. I’d like to do some painting while I’m here.”

“Let Nigel know what you want. Or, we could take a trip to Southampton when you’ve settled in.”

Nigel sat in the passenger seat, a finger and thumb pulling at a loose thread on his trousers, listening to Nicole fumble with the gears in the car. She eventually got it into reverse, braking violently to avoid the concrete pillar she just saw in time. Their route took them to the village, Nigel suggesting they park the car and take a walk along the high street. 

Michelle’s shop was at the far end. They entered, a woman looking up from the counter, recognising Nigel. “I’m guessing you’re here to pick up Dan’s latest piece. Such a good choice, I’ve wrapped it for you.”

“Michelle this is Dan’s niece, Nicole. Will you be coming to the house this evening?”

“Wouldn’t miss one of Dan’s parties. I’m bringing Waverly with me, Wynonna’s knee deep in nappies at the moment. She’s a little annoyed she can’t make it. Refuses to let John come with us.”

“Shame. Wynonna always manages to liven things up. Another time perhaps.”

Painting in hand, they stopped for a coffee in the Montagu Arms, lovingly referred to by locals as Monty’s, directly opposite Michelle’s fine arts shop. Nigel suggested they drive to the coastal town of Lymington, then inland to Brockenhurst, before returning to the house, Nicole finally having mastered the narrow roads and the gearbox. Caterers had arrived to help prepare for the party, Nigel suggesting Nicole use the pool before the guests arrive. Stretching out on one of the loungers she checked her messages. None from Shae, presumably too busy with exams and her own social life. 

They had had a few rocky patches, mostly resolved. Nicole’s work and Shae’s studies clashing, the pair eventually coming to an understanding they needed space to do their own thing, but would remain together. Nicole moved out of Shae’s apartment, Shae staying at Nicole’s most weekends, unless they were climbing, their shared passion. Nicole’s artwork was on display in every room of her own apartment. Her charcoal sketches of Shae were exceptional, her monochrome photographs of her lover equally exquisite. She had an eye for form and beauty.

The party was in full swing by the time Michelle and Waverly drove towards Dan’s, a late delivery to the shop keeping them. Waverly had been to the house a few times, helping her mother deliver artworks, or simply to hang out in his pool with a few friends, if Michelle was having dinner with him. Their mutual love of art had been the start of their friendship, her divorce and his accident bringing them closer. Purely plutonic, an easy acceptance of the other, Waverly and her sisters got the benefit of a large house with an indoor pool and their mother’s happiness.

Waverly spotted her friend Chrissy with her parents across the room. Helping herself to a soft drink from the passing waiter, she moved through the guests. “Have you seen her? Mum says she has red hair.”

“Not yet. Champ’s somewhere. Sniffing around Lucy. Don’t know why you don’t give him a chance?”

“You know perfectly well. Champ’s not my type.”

“He’s good fun though. When drunk. Only when drunk. Don’t look now but I think that’s her.”

Waverly looked round, Dan wheeling himself towards their group, a tall, red-haired woman by his side. Casually dressed, her navy shirt open at the neck, a full wine glass in her hand. Not who Waverly was expecting, certainly little family resemblance to Dan, Waverly assuming whoever this woman was got her looks and colouring from her mother’s side. Introductions over, Dan suggested Nicole stay and talk with Waverly while he went to find Michelle.

“So, you’re into art?” Nicole asked, taking a sip of wine. “I studied at Princeton. Heard of it?”

“No, I’m afraid I haven’t. What’s your preferred medium?”

“Photography, although sketching helps me relax. Only have my camera with me. Nigel is getting me a few things.”

“You can have some of mine. I’m more into oil. Just started with acrylic, but I’m loving it already.”

“Cool. I’d better circulate. Great meeting you. What did you say your name was again?”

“Waverly. Waverly Earp. Do you want my number?”

“Sure,” Nicole replied, taking out her phone. Numbers swapped, she smiled at her new British contact before moving off. “See you around Waverly Earp.”

Chrissy had her hand over her mouth trying not to laugh. “Do you want my number? I mean, make it obvious.”

“Oh fuck. Did that come across as too keen?”

“Just a little. Please be my friend new American person. Please, please. Here, have all my artist materials, and my phone number.”

“Too much?”

“Way too much. She played it very cool, unlike you.”

“She’s very good looking.”

“Waverly, behave. You know nothing about her.”

“Not yet. But, I’d like to find out.”


	2. This is now (Summer 2019)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the contemporary part of the story.
> 
> From now on chapters will alternate between the start of the Wayhaught relationship and where it is now.

Summer 2019…

The bell above the door told Michelle a customer had entered her shop. She let whoever it was have a few moments by themselves to browse the selection of paintings and artworks on display. “Won’t be a minute. We have paintings by two new artists just arrived.”

“It’s fine,” the familiar American accent alerting Michelle. “Like the fish glassware.”

Michelle emerged from the stockroom, brushing her hands on her trousers, glaring at the person standing in her shop. “How is Shae?”

“Is Waverly around?”

“No. Why?”

“Wanted to say hi. Catch up.”

“She’s with Champ now. Has been ever since…”

“Right. Can you tell her I called.”

“She really doesn’t need you in her life.”

“Can you tell her I’m sorry.”

Michelle had so many words she wanted to express in that moment, eyes looking Nicole up and down. She could manage only two. “Are you?”

Her quick exit from the shop gave Michelle little satisfaction. She had waited for this moment, its arrival not as enjoyable as she hoped. Climbing the stairs to the artist studio at the back, she tapped her daughter on the shoulder, lost in her own world of acrylic and Joyryde- I'm Gone. “Your American friend was downstairs.”

Waverly removed one earphone, wiping her brush on the damp cloth in her hand, selecting a new tube of paint, Hookers Green, squeezing a little onto the tray, selecting a smaller brush. “Did she say why?”

“The cheek. Always knew she was too arrogant.”

“You didn’t tell her I was here.”

“Told her you were with Champ. Wiped the smile off her face.”

“You shouldn’t have lied.”

“And tell her you haven’t been with anyone since…”

“Didn’t need you to lie. Where’s Wynonna?”

“Still in town. Lucky she wasn’t here. Would have lost several art pieces. Honestly, the cheek.”

Waverly replaced her earphone, a sign to her mother she no longer wanted to continue the conversation. Michelle returned downstairs, another customer had entered the shop, one of the ceramic pots in their hands. “Rob Whelpton, lovely artist, tug boat on rock. More of his designs upstairs.”

Nicole’s uncle watched as she got in his Range Rover. “Was it worth the visit?”

“Michelle’s still mad at me.”

Her uncle patted her knee. “Michelle’s very protective.”

“I get the feeling I’m never going to be welcome by that family after what I did.”

“You can’t blame them. I know I’m your uncle, so I understand, but you broke her heart.”

“There are so many things I’d do differently if I had the chance.”

“Shall we go get fish and chips? Take our minds off the past for a while.”

Waverly’s painting was nearing completion. Frozen dreams, one in a new series of works depicting winter in the surrounding countryside. She placed it against the wall, standing back to gain perspective, frustrated some of the tones were not dark enough. She would revisit tomorrow when her mind was in a better place.

She heard her mother calling to say she was popping out. With Wynonna not around it meant she had to man the shop, a job she hated. Her life revolved around painting. That was it. No partner, no children, not even a pet or a pot plant to call her own. Still living at home, no idea what she wanted anymore for her life, except to paint. Her phone buzzed, probably Wynonna she guessed, pulling it from the pocket of her dungarees, checking the message. Chrissy, local gossip, knower of everything in their village.

Chrissy: Your bird is back…!

Waverly: Came in

Chrissy: WTF. You give her hell?

Waverly: M told her I’m with Champ

Chrissy: LOL…serves her fucking right 

Waverly: Free for a liquid meal?

Chrissy: Defo. Still in work…boo. 6ish?

Waverly: Montys. I’ll get them in

Waverly had two glasses of wine lined up when Chrissy arrived at their local. She had spent the past half hour nursing her glass, reading through messages. Apparently, Nicole’s return had got round the village. Why those who knew her thought she needed to know, she would never understand, other than that’s what happened in a small village. Any news was everyone’s news. 

Chrissy turned up with Champ, he grinning. “So we’re dating are we?”

Waverly frowned. “Michelle’s idea. Told her she shouldn’t have.”

“I don’t know, would be fun trying. See where we get.”

“I’m not getting anywhere with you, Hardy. Plus, you’re engaged. Kind of takes you off the table.”

“Right. Forgot. Must check on the old girl later.”

Chrissy returned from the bar with a pint of beer for Champ, he gulping half before he had even sat down. “Thirsty work getting married.”

“And, you wonder why I never said yes.”

“Miss America showing up here again,” Chrissy interrupted, “what are the chances?”

“Was hoping very low,” Waverly replied. “Got that wrong.”

“Tucker told me she’s still with that other girl.”

“As if Tucker would know. Chrissy, how would Tucker know?”

“His sister, or it might have been his aunt, anyway someone he knows told him on good authority.”

“I hate this village. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. And, now everyone will think I’m stealing Champ.”

“Quite like the idea of you chasing me.” Champ offered. “Fine. I’ll explain to Lucy. Anyone for another drink?” 

Champ departed after three beers and several texts to his fiancée, who had been told by someone, who in turn had been told by someone else that he and Waverly were together. Knowing Waverly from school, Lucy categorically knew that was not the case, although was annoyed the rumour was circulating.

Chrissy remained to console her friend, saying she would find out as much as she could about Nicole’s reappearance. Waverly begged her not to. It was not something she wanted to know. What happened, happened. Any amount of reunions, or discussions, or fact finding would never change what happened. She strolled back along the High Street, past the shop, towards her mother’s house. About to put the key in the front door, a car horn made her lose grip. 

Cursing, she picked it up, not expecting to see the person she least wanted to see standing behind her. “I came to the shop. Your mother said you weren’t there.”

“What do you want?”

“Just to talk. She said you’re with Champ now. Please, can we talk?”

“About what? What is there to talk about?”

“Us. You. How have you been?”

Waverly felt the edge of the key dig into her hand. “You’ve got a fucking nerve. Really. Like it never happened.”

“I’m sorry. Can we go somewhere? Monty’s. I’ll buy you a drink.”

“Already had several. With my friends. The whole fucking village knows you’re back. Why didn’t you stay in America? Or, away from here.”

“I forgot what this place is like. Can we at least be friends?”

“Friends? Friends? Sure, Nicole, we’re friends. There done. Have a nice life.”

Michelle appeared at the door wondering why she could hear Waverly’s voice. “I thought I made myself clear earlier, you’re not welcome.”

“I’ll go. Waverly, I’m sorry. I really am.”

She heard her mother slam the door, refusing to look back, trying not to let Nicole’s return destroy whatever peace of mind she had been able to restore. She knew it was hopeless, heading upstairs, flinging herself on her bed, pretending the world no longer existed.

Wynonna arrived with Alice. They sat in the nana’s kitchen, Michelle giving her granddaughter a juice carton and a plate of carrot sticks. 

“Were you a good girl today?” Michelle asked.

“Yes, I was nana,” Wynonna replied, “and so was Alice. She was very good at the nursery. Played nicely with the other children, didn’t you Alice.”

Alice nodded, taking a carrot stick in each hand, nibbling them in turn.

“Nicole’s back,” Michelle said. “Asking for Waverly. Bold as brass.”

“You’re telling me she waltzed into the shop. Fucking nerve. If I’d been there.”

“Wynonna, not in front of Alice. I’m glad you weren’t. Knowing your temper I’d have less stock.”

“How’s Waves taking it? Can’t believe she had the fudging nerve.”

“Upstairs. At least she told her where to go. Can you believe she wants to see her again?”

“Thinks she owns the place. I’ll go check. Alice, stay with nana. She’s got a cookie.”

Wynonna tapped on Waverly’s door. “Can I come in? I’ve just heard. Fucking cheek.”

“I’ll be down later.”

“Waves, don’t let this drag you down. She probably thinks you’re still madly in love with her.”

“How was Alice’s day at the nursery?”

“Good. She didn’t hit anyone. Is this your way of saying go away?”

Waverly unlocked her door, letting Wynonna in. “The whole village knows. And now everyone thinks I’m dating Champ, which is even worse. One day back and she’s managed to ruin my life all over again.”

“She’s probably bored, or thinks it was all a game. Sorry, didn’t mean that. Fucking hate her.”

“Can’t stop her being here, but why now? When I was beginning to get my life back together.”

“Knowing Haught she’ll do another disappearing act. Alice wants to show you her drawing. Please, please say it’s good.”

Nicole sat on her bed staring at her phone, the last message from Shae told her they were through. She had wanted to return to England. She had wanted to contact Waverly, each time stopping herself, needing to say what she had to say in person. A lie, she could so easily have explained so many times before, not left her in limbo as she had.

Her uncle was in his study, reviewing the layout of the new store, Nicole having flown in from America to help with the launch. Standing beside his desk, her eyes scanned the detailed drawings. “I’ve checked with the office on my new advertising ideas. They should have it ready in time. I need to check we have Chemmy Alcott confirmed, and….”

Her uncle looked up. “Are you sure it’s such a good idea getting back in contact with Waverly? If today’s reception was anything to go by, she’s not exactly thrilled to see you.”

“I need her to know none of it was her fault.”

“By the sounds of it you simply want her forgiveness. You’re probably not going to get it.”

“I just want one chance to explain.”

“If she doesn’t want to talk, you will have to walk away. Nicole, she’s moved on. You need to as well.”

“I don’t think I can. Not this time.”


	3. Show me yours (2018)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole's interest in art is reawakened...

Then:

Shae hadn’t answered her phone. Nicole tried calling a few times only for it to go to voicemail. She wanted to tell her about Dan’s open evening, about her day out, simply hear her voice. Shae had a tendency to go silent when she needed space. Nicole wondered whether her encouragement to go to England was her way of getting Nicole out of the picture. She sent one text asking Shae to call.

She scrolled through the numbers given to her by those who had attended the party. A local artist, a particular favourite of Dan’s, offered to give her watercolour lessons, the light in that part of the country spectacular according to the artist. The woman running Beaulieu’s Chocolate Studio invited her to a chocolate making session. The landlady at the Montagu Arms was holding a wine tasting evening Tuesday week, to which she was invited. Then there was Waverly. 

Young. Cute. A little too cute for her liking. And, a little too eager for them to be friends. She preferred sultry, the hard to please type. Ones she had to work at to keep happy. Still, she was an artist, her mother owned an interesting shop, worth making contact she decided. She sent a text.

Nicole: Hi, thanks for offer.

Waverly: What offer?

Nicole: Art equip?

Waverly: Sorry. Totally forgot. Whatever you want.

Nicole: Where do I collect?

Waverly: Michelle’s Fine Arts Shop. End of High Street. Can’t miss it.

Nicole: Tomorrow?

Waverly: Perfect. Say thanks to Dan for a lovely evening.

Shae: Hi lover. How are the British?

Nicole spent the next twenty minutes on the phone to Shae. She could always tell when Shae had been drinking. She hoped it was because they were apart, or the stress of her exams, any excuse other than their future together was in jeopardy. The first person she had felt a connection to, if she had had the choice she would have passed on Dan’s offer to visit England, preferring to base her life around Shae’s. She knew Shae needed her, relied on her to keep her sane and sober.

The bell above the door told Michelle she had a customer. Appearing from the room at the back, she smiled, recognising Nicole. “Hello. I really must ring Dan and thank him for a wonderful party.”

“Is Waverly around?”

“Upstairs in the art studio. I can get her. Or, you can go up.”

“I’m here to collect some equipment.”

“Best go up then. She has so much. Spoilt. Very talented. I’m her mother, I can say that.”

Michelle led the way, entering Waverly’s studio, her daughter plugged into her music. She tapped her on the shoulder, Waverly removing an earphone, smiling at Nicole. “I’ve put a few things to one side. Didn’t know what you’d like.”

Nicole eyed the items Waverly had selected. “That’s a lot. Can I pay you?”

“A gift from one artist to another. As long as you promise to show me yours.”

“You mean my art, right. Can I see yours?”

“We hardly know each other.”

“I mean, you’re art.”

“I know. Welcome to England.”

Nicole was only too happy to see Waverly’s artwork. Whatever medium she worked in, her pieces were exceptional. Nicole took her time studying each piece, recognising Waverly’s creative ability was so far beyond hers as to make it look like a child had put a pencil to paper expecting praise. Carrying three bags, along with several blank canvases, Nicole deposited them in the boot of her car, heading back to Dan’s. 

She called the number of the guy offering watercolour lessons. Her passion for creating her own pieces reignited after only twenty minutes with her new British contact. 

Dan was giving her plenty of time to kick back, have some fun, before starting work with him. More laid back than his brother, he knew all work and no play makes a person dull. He was pleased Nicole had decided to resume her painting. He studied the pieces she had done with the local artist, nodding his head. “Very good indeed. I really like this view over the river. Can I keep it?”

“Sure. Saw Waverly’s work. Pretty good.”

“I have a few of her pieces in the hall. I’ll get Michelle to frame yours so I can show it off.”

“I’m beginning to think I should have kept going with my photography. You know what dad’s like, always wanting me to have a proper job, like Shae’s.”

“Shae’s career is important, but so is art. And, so is your happiness. I’m happy you want to be a part of my business, but I’ll be damned if it comes at the expense of your joy. To me the world is full of art and beauty. Why do you think I live here?”

Nicole pondered Dan’s words. “I did kind of let my creative side go. Only, Shae gets to save people, which is pretty cool. All I can do is point a camera at someone.”

“Never compare what you do with what others do. You do what you do. Shae does what she does. Art has the capacity to bring a person’s soul to life, to capture the beauty of this world.”

“That’s deep.”

“Nicole, you’re a very talented artist. Never forget that. Sorry, I’ve a couple of calls to make. Would you be able to take your piece to Michelle’s for framing? If you see anything you like in her shop let me know and I’ll consider purchasing.”

Nicole headed to the high street, stopping on the way to say hi to the woman in the chocolate studio, agreeing to come in later in the week for the free lesson. There were a couple of people in Michelle’s shop when she entered, Michelle busy explaining the work of one particular artist. Nicole took her time looking round, spotting a vase she liked. Waverly emerged from upstairs, hands dotted with paint, her dungarees splashed with different stripes of acrylic. 

“Hello again. Back so soon. Can’t have run out already.”

“Dan’s asked me to get this framed. Can I leave it for Michelle?”

“Of course. This is really good. Is it yours? Love the muted blues.”

“Haven’t painted for a while. Great light round here. And, views.”

“I know some interesting places you might want to consider if you’re looking for inspiration. I can show you whenever you’re free.”

“Thanks. It’s fine. I should be going. Tell Michelle not too dark a frame.”

“Offer’s there if you change your mind.”

Chrissy bounced in, full of the joys of spring, recognising Nicole. Not one for subtlety, she barged her way into their conversation, both looking at her, then at each other. She was here to collect Waverly for lunch, insisting Nicole join them. However much Nicole tried to extract herself from the invitation, Chrissy would not take no for an answer. She relented, following them to Monty’s, her phone buzzing with a message from Shae to say she would call later.

Drinks on the table, Chrissy proceeded to interrogate Nicole, she not looking particularly comfortable having her life exposed, one question at a time. “So, what’s your plans while you’re here?” Chrissy asked, taking a swig of wine.

“Work mostly. Dan’s letting me have some time to get back into my art.”

“Have you seen Waverly’s yet? She’s rather good.”

“More than good,” Nicole replied, looking directly at Waverly. “I’ve seen some incredible work, but yours is exceptional.”

Waverly took a gulp of her wine, desperate not to make eye contact with her American friend.

“That’s what I keep telling her,” Chrissy added. “She shouldn’t be stuck in this backwater. She should be in Paris, or London, or maybe New York.”

“Paris would be good,” Nicole suggested. “Tuscany is great too. Or, Morocco. Always fancied spending time in Morocco.”

“I’m happy here, for now. OK, maybe Paris would be interesting. I don’t know. We’ll see.”

Chrissy was on a mission. “Girl, you’re too good for this place. I can see you in Paris, with a French lover, eating paté.”

“I’m vegan remember. I could eat bread. Be a starving artist. Great look.”

“And, I would visit you and we’d go shopping on Boulevard Saint Germain and drink wine by the Seine.”

“Starving artist remember. More like one bottle of cheap red wine between us in a cramped studio flat.”

Nicole was texting a friend, Chrissy realising she had lost interest in their conversation. “What do you think? Waverly living in Paris, yes or no.”

Nicole looked up. “I would say yes. Always good to travel. Listen guys, I’d love to stay but I’ve got things to do. Thanks for lunch. Catch you later.”

They watched as she left the pub. “Well, we’re clearly not on her favourites list,” Chrissy said. “You in for one more drink?”

Waverly held out her glass. “I get the feeling we’re too young, or too not her type. Wonder what is her type?”

“Funny you should ask. Let me get a refill, then I’ll fill you in. So much to tell you.”

Chrissy returned with two more glasses of wine, telling Waverly someone at the party had asked Nicole if she was here alone. Nicole explained her relationship status, that she hoped her partner would be able to join her for a short break to see England. She let it slip her partner was a she and a very smart cookie. 

“Well, that’s it then,” Waverly sighed. “No wonder she doesn’t want to hang around with us.”

“Perhaps. Although, she’s dating a she. Guessed right.”

“No you didn’t. You never said anything about that. Anyway, how come I didn’t get any vibes from her? I’m normally pretty good.”

“Oh, I think you did know. The way you forced your number on her. I’m surprised you didn’t go full flirt. I saw the way you were looking.”

“Well, she’s my type. Cool and sophisticated. But, sadly taken. Best find that dingy Parisian studio and be a poor, struggling artist.”

Wines finished, Waverly went back to her own studio. The idea of travelling appealed, but if she was honest, she lacked the confidence to take herself off somewhere, preferring the comfort of home. One day perhaps.

Nicole’s day was dragging. She spent several hours taking photographs around the house, enjoying the chance to be by herself. Late afternoon, reviewing her efforts she felt that familiar lack of joy in her work. She sent a text to Waverly.

Nicole: Hi, your offer to show me places still on?

Waverly: Tomorrow 11ish?

Nicole: What do I bring?

Waverly: Whatever works for you.

Nicole put her phone down, feeling a buzz of excitement at the prospect of spending a few hours practising with someone who was very good. She wanted to try acrylic, but didn’t want to embarrass herself, deciding to bring a sketch book, pencils and her camera. Those were her strongest. 

Waverly’s car pulled up, fifteen minutes late, Nicole taking her time walking to the entrance to let her in, leading her to the bedroom. Waverly sat on the bed watching while Nicole packed her bag, not wanting to appear too keen. They set off in the direction of Brockenhurst, stopping at Hatchet Pond, picturesque, perfect for artists. The trunk of her car was full of artist materials, impressing Nicole. Waverly retrieved a large sketch pad along with several boxes of pencils. She handed Nicole two, small folding stools for her to carry heading off towards the water.

Reaching her favourite spot, Waverly set up one of the stools, taking a seat, pausing for a few minutes, allowing herself to soak up the view. She hadn’t spoken since leaving the car, her mind clearing itself to give her eyes time to adjust to the beauty around her. Nicole took her seat, positioning it several feet away, not wanting to encroach on Waverly’s space. An hour in Nicole was curious to see what Waverly had drawn, getting up, casually stretching, she moved closer to take a peak, her mouth falling open when she saw what she had drawn. 

“That’s…how did you do that, you weren’t even looking.”

“I peeked a few times. Hope you don’t mind. Haven’t done portraits in a while.”

“But, it’s so good. I can’t show you mine. Not now.”

“Please. If your watercolour is anything to go by.”

“One look. No comments. I’m a little sensitive when it comes to my work.”

Waverly viewed Nicole’s effort. “It’s lovely. No comments, I promise.”

“OK. I’ll allow you to comment. But, be kind.”

“Your tones are exquisite. The contrast of light and dark on the water is really good. I must try that. Your style is unique. I really like it. I’m not just saying that.”

“I’m better at photography.”

“Nicole, don’t put your work down. Unless you let your heart soar in your work, you’ll never enjoy it.”

“Can you sit the way you were just now? I’ve got an idea for a shot. Don’t look at me, just do what you were doing. That’s it.”

Nicole proceeded to take multiple shots of Waverly, letting her beauty blend into the landscape. Satisfied with her efforts she showed them to Waverly, her eyes saying all that needed to be said.


	4. Show me mine (2019)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole wants Waverly back...

Now:

Waverly entered the kitchen, Alice busy telling nana how another child at the nursery snatched the doll she was playing with from her. Michelle handed Alice her drawing. “Show Waverly what you made today.”

Alice held up the sheet of paper, a rainbow of coloured pencil lines and paint blotches. Waverly took it from her, admiring the talent of her young niece. “Alice this is really, really good. Your ability to combine colours is amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

“Can I see lady?”

“If you like. You mustn’t touch though, or you might smudge her and we lose the pencil lady.”

Alice took Waverly’s hand, heading up to her bedroom. She opened her folder, pulling out a few pieces, mostly portraits of the woman she cared deeply for. Alice went to touch her face. “No, mustn’t touch. Remember, these are mine.”

“But, I like her.”

“So did I Alice.”

Nicole finished sending a few emails to the Paris office. She headed to the pool, long slow strokes through the water, up and down, up and down. She remembered the times she and Waverly swam together in this very pool, that one occasion when everyone was out, abandoning bikinis, letting the water touch every part of their bodies. How they ran back to her room, locking the door, shutting the world out, the intensity of their bodies against each other bringing Waverly to tears. 

Nicole had never been with anyone who cried during love making. It scared her a little. That depth of passion, depth of feeling, something she reserved only for her art. She expressed herself through her creations, never through her emotions. Waverly was all about expression in every form. Art, dance, emotions, love making. All were the same to her. Her creativity blew Nicole’s mind, so talented, she felt like a student once more under the apprenticeship of a master. More in tune with her creative side than anyone Nicole had ever met, so much to offer, she could only stand back and watch.

Dan wheeled himself to the edge of the pool. The sound of the motor on his hoist brought her back into the moment, watching as it pulled him out of his wheelchair, allowing his body to dangle over the pool before lowering him into the water. He joined her in swimming laps, his upper body toned from years of continuous exercise. Eventually stopping, unable to keep up with his niece, he positioned his body near the steps, waiting for her to approach. “I’ve been thinking. What if I speak to Michelle? She’s not kept in contact since you left, but I’m hoping our friendship might go some way.”

“It’s OK. Really. I think I just wanted to see her face again. It’s cool.”

“If you say so. I’m ordering Hawaiian with extra jalapenos. I reckon we need a Breaking Bad session on the big screen. You in?”

“Sure. I’ve got a few things to do. Join you later.”

She left the pool, heading to her room, the thought of Waverly in that swimming pool uppermost in her mind. Showering, drying her hair, she sat looking at her reflection. Older, hopefully wiser, lonely, heart-breaker, business woman. Her phone rang. “Waverly?”

“No, it’s fucking not Nicole. Listen, I don’t know what fucking game you’re playing here, but leave my sister alone.”

“Wynonna, just hear me out. I fucked up. I seriously fucked up. And, I’m sorry. I can’t make any of this right…”

“She loved you. Did any of that matter, or are you so cold-hearted. You know your name’s mud round here.”

“Waves didn’t deserve that. I know I’ll never make it up to her, but please tell her I just want to talk.”

“You do not get to call my baby sister Waves. Ever again. Got it. She kept your phone number. Fucking unbelievable. Stay away from us.”

“I still love her.”

“Sorry. You what? You love her? I’m laughing. Can you hear me laughing Haught? Seriously, Nicole. Stay the fuck away. I’m warning you.”

Wynonna headed downstairs, Waverly’s phone in her hand, slamming it on the breakfast bar. “I’ve sorted out your American problem. She won’t be bothering you anymore.”

Waverly knew better than to question Wynonna’s methods, especially when she was in full rage mode. Michelle served dinner, everyone lost in their own thoughts, Alice looking at the adults puzzled as to why everyone was so quiet and had sad faces.

Waverly returned to her room. Phone in hand, not wanting to do what she was about to do, knowing if she didn’t it would eat away at her soul. She sent the text.

Waverly: Why now?

She put the phone down, picking up a sketchpad, scrolling through recent photos of views around Beaulieu on her camera to get an idea for her next painting. The phone buzzed.

Nicole: I miss you.

Waverly read the text, unsure how to answer. Tempted to go full-Wynonna, she controlled her response.

Waverly: I meant nothing to you.

Nicole: What I did can never be put right. I don’t deserve a second chance. 

Waverly: Too fucking right.

Nicole: Can we talk?

Waverly: No more to say. Goodbye.

Nicole: One talk. Then you never hear from me again. I promise. 

Nicole: Let me explain.

Nicole: Can I see you?

Nicole: I’ve made so many mistakes. 

Nicole: Should never have left England. 

Nicole: I hurt you.

Waverly: You ripped my heart out.

Nicole: I’m no longer with Shae.

Nicole: Please can I see you.

Waverly: No.

Waverly turned off her phone. She knew Nicole was trying to crawl her way back. She had spent all this time wondering why the person she thought loved her left for the airport one morning and never returned. Dumped in one short text message several days later saying she was back with Shae. That was it. No further calls returned, no messages answered. Her own mother had gone to Dan for an explanation, he surprised as anyone Nicole had done this. It was not like her he told Michelle. 

The shop was quiet the next day. Waverly resumed her painting, thoughts swirling, mind distracted, all showing up on the canvas. Frustrated, unable to make any progress, she headed to the Tea Rooms a few doors along from the shop, a peppermint tea on order and a slice of vegan quiche. She hadn’t turned her phone on since the night before, not wanting any further communication with Nicole. It lay on the table, upside down, like her life. She wanted something more than the feeling she had right now. The dull pain in her heart, wanting someone to love her, knowing it could no longer be Nicole.

The waitress placed the plate with a slice of quiche and salad on the table. Lifting her fork, she played with its edges, picking away bits, attempting to eat, not really in the mood. She wanted to not have to feel anymore. Not have to spend her life like this. Her back to the entrance, Nicole entered without her seeing, her eyes falling upon Waverly’s back. The sweep her neck, her hair, the way she carried her shoulders. Hesitating by the door, she knew every action she was taking was wrong, had been wrong, since the day she walked out of her life.

“I’ll go if you don’t want me here.”

Waverly jumped, a piece of quiche flying off her fork. “I can’t Nicole. I’m too tired.”

Nicole stood looking at the person she betrayed, knowing she needed to stop tormenting her, knowing she couldn’t. “Waverly, if I could erase what I did I would. None of it was your fault. It was all me. And, my fucked up life. And, my fucked up brain. I know I keep saying sorry...”

“Nicole, please, please stop talking. I’m not in a good place right now. I haven’t been since you left. I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t know what you want from me. But, whatever this stupid game is you’re playing right now, don’t make me a part of it. You nearly destroyed me once. I thought I was over you. You show up, all smiles, and let’s be friends, and I’m broken again because of you. Do you understand?”

“I do. I hurt people. I’ve hurt people. I’ll go. Waverly, I know you’re with someone, but if there was ever a chance…”

“For the record, not that it’s any of your business, but I’m not with Champ. Nicole, I still love you. That’s why all of this is so painful.”

Nicole fell on the chair opposite. “I need to tell you why I didn’t return.”

“You really don’t. It won’t change what you did. It won’t make me see you any differently.”

“I thought I loved Shae.”

“Nicole. Stop. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Shae. I hope you find whatever you’re looking for. I wish you all the best. Please don’t contact me again.”

“I’m back for good. I’m staying. I know what I did was selfish, and cruel, and unforgivable. I know I took what we had and threw it away. Believe me, not a day goes by when I don’t regret doing that. I can’t change the past. I can’t take back what I did. Can we…I’m sorry. Can I call you?”

Waverly pushed the plate away. “I could never trust you. Everything you do will be through that lens. Do you understand?”

“Waverly. Waves, if you change your mind. God, that sounds so lame. You’re right. I’ll go. I won’t bother you again. But, I meant what I said. I do love you.”

Nicole left her staring at a piece of cold quiche and limp lettuce, any pleasure in her life having deserted her. Chrissy had been trying to make contact, knowing Waverly had a tendency to switch her phone off when things were bothering her. She left several messages with Michelle telling her to switch her phone back on. 

“She’s back for good,” Chrissy began. “Mind you, we’re talking Miss Do a Runner here, so that probably doesn’t mean much.”

“Chrissy, I know.”

“She’s divorced. Can you believe she got married? Dan’s handing over European operations to her. She’s basing herself in his Southampton office. Maisy, you remember Maisy, Lucy’s cousin, anyway Maisy works there. Says Dan’s thinking about retiring in a few years.”

“I’ve seen her.”

“No. Really. Where? I’m so telling Champ. You up for a drink later?”

“I can’t. I need some time to work things out.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. Champ and I will drag you kicking and screaming if I have to. I’ll get Jeremy to join us. He’s Mr. Sensible. He’ll know what to do. I’ll swing by after work. I’m not having you sit inside moping. Not over her.”

Waverly read through the fourteen further messages from Nicole. She deleted every one. 

Several drinks in Waverly was at the bar, ordering another round. She felt a hand on her back, knowing immediately who it was. “Will you just fuck off, Nicole. I don’t need this.”

“I guessed you might be here. Look, I know everything I’m doing is pushing you further away, but…”

“When were you going to tell me you got married? Or, did that conveniently slip your mind, like our relationship.”

“Four days. The marriage lasted four days.”

“Still a fucking marriage. I’m too tired to be angry at you anymore. Just go. I’m with my friends.”

“It was never going to work with Shae.”

Waverly gripped the pint of beer in her hand. “Didn’t stop you marrying her.”

“Please, just have one meal with me. As friends.”

“Tell you what, I’ll save you the bother. Here’s a meal on me.” The beer cascaded down Nicole’s face, Waverly slamming a twenty pound note on the bar, storming out.

Chrissy rushed over to help Nicole who was now wearing a full pint. “Looks like you got the Wynonna treatment.” 

“I deserved it. At least she knows about the marriage.”

“Nicole, come sit with us. Just for a moment. I need to ask you something.”

“I’m dripping wet and the barman is looking at me. Another time.”

“No. We need to talk. Let’s go outside.”

The two stood outside, Nicole getting strange looks from those entering and leaving. Chrissy needed to know exactly what the agenda was for her best friend. She could see how much Nicole’s return was upsetting her. This had to stop. “Are you here to hurt her again?”

“No. I swear. Chrissy you have to believe me. I want her back.”

“But, you disappeared, married Shae, stopped returning her calls and texts. How can you expect her to want to get back with you?”

“Is there anything I can do to get her to see me? Anything?”

“I don’t know. She’s pretty mad at you, which is better than being indifferent I guess. Look, tell me to my face, are you actually serious about wanting her back, or just on a rejection phase from Shae?”

“Oh God. With all my heart. I’ve fucked up beyond fucked up. I just want her back.”

“So, my next question. You’re not one of those who just wants what they can’t have? I mean, that’s kind of what it looks like to me. And, it probably looks like that to Waverly.”

“No. Chrissy, I know now Waverly and I were meant for each other. It took me running away, messing up, to make me realise there could never be anyone else.”

“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t realise that before you jetted off home, married your ex-girlfriend and ghosted the person you’re now telling me you’re madly in love with.”

Nicole paused. “OK, so when you put it like that, it sounds like I don’t have a chance in hell with Waverly.”

“You shouldn’t. And I really, really, really shouldn’t be helping you. I swear, Nicole Haught, if you so much as put one foot wrong with Waverly I will hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands. We all love Waverly. She’s an amazing friend, and not bad at art. She’s also extremely fragile right now. So, if I help you get back with her, you must promise to love her forever without fucking this up.”

“I promise I won’t fuck this up. Not this time. Thank you Chrissy. I’d better go change. This is not a good look for me.”

“Beer’s great for your hair though. Haught, you’ve made a promise. One you must keep. God, I’m in so much trouble right now. Give me your number, I’ll see what I can do.”


	5. Chocolate & chests ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melted chocolate off fingers is delicious, according to Waverly...

Nicole studied the photos she had taken. Waverly was a natural beauty, she observed, charming with an easy manner. She was also crafty. The sketch of her was so realistic, yet she must have only studied her features briefly before creating it. How she wished she could draw like that. Dan was right, she thought, she really should stop comparing herself unfavourably. It had been a trait all her life.

Her parent's never encouraged her love of art, never stopped to consider it might be important to her, that it was something she took pleasure in and was good at. In fairness, it wasn't only her art they failed to see. They rarely stopped to consider her at all. Their own busy, selfish lives took up much of their time. Never a question of outright neglect, Nicole was simply left wanting emotionally, her own mother preferring to spend time with the vodka bottle over time with her only child. Her father was never around, which left Nicole with a family-sized hole in her life she found difficulty filling.

That’s where Dan and her parents differed. Dan loved art, had wanted to go to art school, until skiing took over his life. Some of his work had been exhibited at their local library. He even had a few enquiries to buy his pieces. When Dan spotted the potential in Nicole he made sure to send her art materials every birthday and Christmas. He would take her to galleries when he was visiting. Dan even paid her tuition fees at college, much to the irritation of his brother.

Michelle called to say the watercolour was ready for collection. Nicole waited as Michelle went to get it from the back of the shop. Waverly came in carrying three coffees. “We really have to stop meeting like this.”

“We must. Say, I have this chocolate making lesson, wanna join me?”

“Love to. Can’t. Mum and Wynonna are going out. Have to stay here today and look after the shop.”

“I can bring you some.”

“Are you any good at making chocolates?”

“Don’t know. I've never tried. You’ll find out.”

Wynonna rushed in. “Sorry, fucking babysitters. All arranged, lets me down at the last minute. Waves, can you look after your darling, sweet niece while we’re out. She loves you the most.”

“Did you bring her changing bag? And, her food. And, her favourite toy. She'll be miserable if she doesn't have it to play with.”

“Fuck, changing bag. I’ll pop back to the house. What’s her favourite toy again?”

“Dog, the white one with the blue ears. Remember her milk too.”

“God Waves, you’re a better mother than me. Blue dog, with ears.”

“White dog, blue ears. And, where’s Alice?”

“Car. I think she’s in the car. Let me check.”

Wynonna rushed out, Nicole watching. She reappeared, this time with Alice in her carry seat. “Fed and changed. Tell mum I won’t be long. White dog, blue ears, white dog, blue ears.”

“I’m guessing that’s Wynonna.”

“That’s Wynonna. So, you were saying about getting me to eat your chocolate.”

Nicole felt the heat in her cheeks. “If you want. Or, we could grab coffee sometime.”

“That’s very American. I'm more of a tea drinker. Can’t today, obviously. Babysitting, shop sitting. Supposed to be working on a new piece. Enjoy your chocolate lesson. Melted off fingers is delicious.”

Nicole had no response, the image of melted chocolate running off fingers making her suddenly feel very self-conscious. She left, wondering if Waverly was flirting. She hoped she wasn’t. Although, it was interesting having someone that easy to talk to. Shae was definitely not the kind to flirt, or the kind to lick melted chocolate from anyone’s fingers. 

The lesson over, she returned to the shop, Waverly singing to Alice, making her favourite toy dance. She waited for her to finish her song, handing her a small white box containing her own creations. “I told the woman you’re vegan.”

“You remembered. So few get veganism. I feel the need to wear it on a t-shirt all the time. Hello, I’m Waverly and I’m a vegan. Yes, that’s right…a vegan. Do you think that would fit on one shirt?”

“I guess. Small writing. You’re not that big up top.”

Waverly looked down at her chest. “Guess not. There’s a little there.”

“God, no. I didn’t mean those. God, really I meant your upper body. You have a small upper body. The rest of you is just fine.”

“Really? You think so. Always wanted bigger. Wynonna said I’d fall over if they were.”

Nicole licked her lip. “How did we go from chocolate to your chest?”

“No idea. T-shirts, we were talking about t-shirts, isn’t that right Alice?”

“About that coffee?”

“Yes. Or tea. Drop by tomorrow late morning. I need to get on with my piece, but I can spare time for you.”

Nicole was getting vibes. Definitely getting vibes. Enjoyable, but scary. She was a one girl person, had actually had very few partners, not one to put herself out there too much, more a lone wolf than a herd animal. Yet, she was enjoying Waverly’s company and there was no harm going for coffee. Or, tea. 

Dan was in the cinema room, watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, one of her favourites. He’d ordered pizza, knowing Nigel was out for the afternoon, the pair alternating between Nicole’s handmade chocolates and Dan’s extra hot Hawaiian. Shae sent a text telling her she was going to her mother’s for a few days to clear her head after the exam. It was Shae’s way of saying not to make contact. She sent a text back saying she missed her, was thinking about her, that she had made chocolates. Shae didn’t respond.

The film over Nicole headed to the pool for a few laps, then the exercise studio, hoping to work off some of what she had eaten. She would need to find a climbing club soon, or do some form of sport, her body beginning to tell her it was getting sluggish. She crawled into bed, letting the day pass. For some reason it kept returning to melted chocolate on Waverly’s fingers. The more she tried to banish the image the stronger it became. She switched on her phone, flicking through the photos she had of Shae, finding the sexiest one, using that to let her body relax. 

She was just at the point of no return when the phone rang. It was Waverly, Nicole desperately trying to ease her breathing, wondering whether to let it go to voicemail. She answered. “Hi, it’s late.”

“Sorry. Sorry, were you in the studio, only you sound out of breath?”

“Yep. Studio.”

“Right. Sorry, only I can’t make tomorrow morning. Mum’s out again. I’ll never get my work done. Anyway, sorry, can we make it 2ish. I know that’s not coffee time, but best I can do.”

“Sure. Gotta go.”

Waverly realised she had caught Nicole at a bad time. She rang Chrissy. “Hi, you free to talk?”

“Always. If it’s gossip I’m in the market. What you got for me?”

“I think I may have a little crush on Nicole.”

“Oooh, very interesting. Tell me more.”

“We’re going for coffee. She made chocolates. Vegan. Who does that? And, she gave me a funny look when I mentioned my breasts.”

“Oh my God. You didn’t show them to her did you?”

“No. Mentioned them. Didn’t get them out. That’s too funny. Imagine if someone walked in and there’s me showing off my assets.”

“That’s more Wynonna’s thing.” Chrissy replied. “I don’t want to rain on your parade, but she is with someone. Don’t go getting your hopes up. If she was single, I’d say go girl. But, the attached kind are not worth it.”

“I know. I’ll be sensible. Won’t go giving my heart out only to have it broken. She is good looking though. Wonder what hers look like?”

“Waves! I’ve eaten. Go wash your mind immediately. Drinks tomorrow evening? Champ said he’s buying. That’s a first. He’s trying to impress Lucy.”


	6. Do you trust me ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waverly needs to see Nicole...

“Waves listen,” Chrissy began, “I know she fucked you over, and if it was me I would have cut her tits off by now. By the way, nice going with the beer, but…”

“Chrissy, I don’t want to know. I want her to crawl back under a stone. She knows what she did is unforgivable. And, now she’s getting my friends to play along.”

“I’d never do anything that would hurt you. Yes, what she did was the worst. Worse than the worst. But, she knows she fucked up. Can you at least just make peace with her?”

“Why are you defending her? Chrissy, you’ve known me longer than Nicole. You watched me fall apart. You saw what she did to me. And, she’s back a few days and you’re already on her side.”

“Waves, I’m not on her side. I’m on yours. I know you love her. I know you will keep loving her forever. If there’s any way I can make it right between the pair of you I’ll do that. That’s what best friends are for. I’ll never be on her side. Always yours. Got it.”

“I can’t give her my heart again. I can’t. Look what she did.”

“I know. I know. I think, I hope she now realises what she did to you. This is so hard. She wants to have a meal with you. I’ve told her if she so much as blinks at another person I’ll kill her.”

“Chrissy, I can’t. I can’t. Tell her, if she wants to be friends, fine. Everything else is off the table.”

“Friends have meals. Just saying. OK, I’ll tell her. Waves, I love you. You know that. We’ll sort this mess out.”

Chrissy was straight on the phone to Nicole. She explained this would not be an easy process and Nicole would need to be patient. She also thought going for a meal with Waverly would not be in her best interests given the beer tipping incident in Monty’s earlier. Nicole knew this would have to be a waiting game. 

Nicole’s phone buzzed at 9.01pm.

Waverly: Lunch. Our pub. Noon.

Nicole: I’ll be there. I love you.

She waited for a response. None came. At least Chrissy had managed to get Waverly to have lunch with her. She would be prepared in case drinks went flying. 

The drive to Lymington was uneventful. Nicole parked near their pub, half an hour early, wandering along the cobbled streets of the town, gazing in shops. She made her way to The Ship, an old haunt of theirs and her acquired British friends. She missed their silly conversation, their way of drinking life’s problems away. 

She sat in one of the alcoves they used to frequent, waiting. No Waverly. An hour went by, she was beginning to wonder if she had been set up when Waverly entered, looking more relaxed than she had on their previous meetings. She stood, words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop herself. “Waverly, nothing I do right now is ever going to make up for what I did.”

“I haven’t got long. Michelle wants me back at the shop by two.”

“Can I get you a drink? Do you have time for food?”

“I’ve got us a room.”

Nicole felt her legs buckle. “No. I mean. Yes. Why? OK. As in…”

“Show me you love me now, or this ends here.”

“Are you sure. I want to, but. Waves, I thought we were through.”

“You’ll keep fucking with my heart until we get this over with. We make love, we find out if this is real, otherwise we part.”

“No. I’m not ready. Waves, please, this isn’t how I want us to be.”

“Take it, or leave it, Nicole. I’m not having you crawling around all doe eyes when I need to focus on my work. If you really love me you’ll do this.”

“Waves. Yes. I do.”

Waverly grabbed her hand, leading her to the reception desk, collecting a key, dragging her towards the stairs. Room 1, a double bed before them. Closing the door, throwing the key onto the dressing table, she began undressing, Nicole standing, watching, not believing what was happening.

Waverly climbed on the bed, now in only her underwear, looking at Nicole. She was like a deer in headlights, not knowing how her life had changed in such a short space of time. Waverly patted the bed beside her, Nicole climbing alongside, still dressed, brain in overload.

“Is this what you want?” Nicole asked. “I’ll give you everything, if this is what you want.”

“Oh, this is what I want,” Waverly replied. “But, I need something more from you.”

“Anything. Tell me.”

“I need you to show you trust me.”

“I do. It’s me you need to doubt. Waves, I’ll do anything. Tell me.”

“Take your clothes off.”

Nicole looked at Waverly. There was a new confidence in her. Something she liked. She got off the bed, removing everything, laying down again, looking into Waverly’s eyes. There was a fire in them, more powerful than she had ever seen.

“I need you to let me guide you. Will you let me do that?”

“Anything. Waves. Anything.”

Waverly moved off the bed, removing a chord from her bag, climbing back on the bed, positioning herself above Nicole. Their bodies were together once more, Waverly taking Nicole’s wrists, tying them, making sure she could not get loose, feeding the other end of the chord through the bar in the bed. She pulled on it a couple of times, making sure Nicole was securely tied. Her head dipped, moving its way down Nicole’s body, feeling her respond.

She had her. Where she wanted her. Where she had wanted her from the moment she knew she had walked out on her. Sitting up, straddling her former lover, she looked long into those deep brown eyes. “This is what it felt like when you left me.”

She moved herself off the bed, letting Nicole watch as she dressed, close the door, leave her life.

“Waves. You can’t leave me here like this. Waves, hello. Waves. Anyone.”

They left her tied to the bed, calling out for just over an hour. Enough for her to get the message. She had fucked with one of their own. And, no one does that. Chrissy was waiting to untie her. Nicole refused to speak to her, knowing she had been set up. 

Chrissy had a few choice words. “Nicole, take this as a warning, or get the hell out of Waverly’s life. She doesn’t need you, or your pity story about whatever happened with you and Shae. She’s better than that. Treat her accordingly.”

Nicole dressed, left the room. Message understood.

She sat in her car. Two choices lay before her. Contact Waverly. Not contact Waverly.

Nicole: I get it. 

Nicole: I’ll love you till the day I die.

Nicole: I’m sorry. I really am.

Nicole: You can punish me forever. I’ll keep coming back.

Nicole: I deserve everything. Please, just let me be a part of your life.

Waverly: ONE more chance…

Nicole: Can you tie me up again.

Waverly: …

She had one more chance. Waverly was giving her one more chance. That’s all she wanted. As much as she had been humiliated by her friends, had beer poured over her, she had broken through Waverly’s barrier. All she had to do now was not mess this up. A message flashed up from Shae, asking her to call. She let it ring a few times, Shae’s voice in her ear, her words slurred.

“I’ve been thinking. Never gave us a real chance. I miss you. I know that now. I got too caught up in my own life. Come back and we can make a go of this.”

“Shae, I’m in England. I’m not coming back. It could have worked between us, but it didn’t. We both wanted something the other couldn’t give.”

“But, we were so good together. At least give it one more try. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll know.”

“I can’t. I’m here to make a go of it with Waverly. She’s pretty pissed with me right now, which is understandable. Shae, I’m sorry. I really am.”

“You’ve chosen her over me. You could have me and you’ve chosen some small town girl, who paints.”

“She’s a fantastic artist. Look, Shae, I’m not going to defend Waverly. She doesn’t need defending.”

Shae hung up, Nicole knowing this would not be the last she would hear from her. 

Dan was in the kitchen, Nigel preparing something that smelled delicious. She sat, lost in her own thoughts, not wanting to be alone. Dan could see she was struggling with something. “OK, spill. You look as if the world has stopped.”

“Don’t know where to begin. Waverly’s giving me one more chance. So is Shae. I’ve completely messed up on all sides.”

“Have you? Hand on heart, who do you want to be with?”

“Waverly. But, what if she decides she doesn’t want me after giving me a chance?”

“Then she doesn’t want you. And, you will have done everything in your power to win her back.”

“But, what if Shae is willing to make it work this time?”

“Nicole, you and Shae didn’t work because from what you told me, Shae wasn’t prepared to put the effort in to make it work. There’s a reason she didn’t. She knew what she would be losing, just as you knew what you were losing choosing her over Waverly.”

“So, you’re saying I should forget Shae.”

“You came all this way for another chance with Waverly. She’s giving you that chance. If you have any doubts, stop this now. For everyone’s sake. You tried with Shae. You gave it your best. You even married her to keep her happy, even though you didn’t want to. She still walked out on you.”

“I know. So, why has she come back now, when I’m trying to make it work with Waverly?”

“Bad timing, I guess. Or, the Universe telling you to get your head straight on who you love. If it’s Waverly, go after her, make it right. If it’s Shae, get on the next plane home and make that right. But, I’ll tell you this, you’ll never have another chance with Waverly. I’m amazed she’s even given you this one.”

“So, am I. Mind you, it came at a cost, but it was so worth it. Thanks Dan. I’m going for a swim, clear my head. I know what I have to do.”


	7. The personal touch ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole is beginning to see Waverly in a new way...

Waverly was already in the tea rooms when Nicole arrived. She had positioned herself in direct line of the door, a few other customers were busy chatting, looking at tourist leaflets of the area. She waved, catching Nicole’s eye, smiling back, her phone ringing. She held up her index finger, standing outside the café, reappearing a few minutes later. “Hi. Had to take that. Coffee, or tea?”

“I’ve had a tea already. Water is fine.”

Nicole ordered at the counter, returning, taking a seat opposite, playing with her phone.

Waverly was no longer sure this was a good idea. “Sorry, we can do this another time. If you’ve other things you need to be doing.”

“No. It’s just…I’m having a few problems back home. Makes it more difficult when you’re thousands of miles apart.”

“I don’t want to pry, but, whatever it is it’s obviously upsetting you. I can’t say I can help, but I’m a good listener.”

“It’s my partner, Shae. She thinks we should cool things.”

“Have you been with her long?”

“Since Princeton, but we've had breaks. Thought coming here would give us a chance to see what we have in a different light. All its done is made her realise she doesn’t want me in her life. It’s fine.”

“Just keep calling, sending her messages. Tell her you love her. If she loves you, she’ll come round. Maybe she’s worried that you’re not there with her.”

“Maybe. Hey, so what’s happening in your life?”

“Nothing much. I have a few paintings I need to finish. Michelle’s thinking of taking Alice and Wynonna on a short break, while Doc is away working. I’ll be left manning the shop.”

“Who’s Doc?”

“John, Wynonna’s partner. Works in pharmaceuticals.”

“I could swing by. Not due to start work for a while. Getting pretty bored.”

“If you like. We could practise sketching. Need to be downstairs, which is annoying, but at least Alice gets to have time with nana.”

“You’re family are quite close. Mine’s the opposite. Not really in contact that often.”

“My dad left us for someone else. See him occasionally. Mum was sad for a while, but she’s over it now.”

The waitress brought over Nicole’s coffee and a water. They sat talking about art, about other places Waverly had in mind for Nicole. By the time they parted company, Nicole had forgotten all about Shae’s cooling of their relationship, deciding she would like to get to know Waverly a little better. It was only when she got to her room, seeing a message from Shae, her mind returned to the problem. Waverly’s advice to keep communicating would be ignored, she decided. What was the point telling Shae she loved her, that she would be back soon, that they would be able to discuss what they both needed and how to make it work. It hadn’t worked in the past. Let Shae do her own thing if that was what she wanted, she concluded. She was looking forward to her next session with Waverly.

Michelle's shop was quiet. Sketch book on her knees Nicole attempted her first drawing of Waverly. The curve of her lips, the angle of her jaw, the way her hair fell across her shoulders. There was a beauty in her face Nicole had missed until now. Her eyes had been clouded by Shae’s looks and Waverly’s youthfulness. Her pencil creating Waverly’s features allowed her to see her for the first time. She came alive, her body no longer petite, but incredibly sexy in a way she didn’t need to flaunt. 

Her first sketch finished, she tore it from the pad, placing it on the ledge nearby. Waverly was curious to see, getting up, walking over, picking up the piece. Nicole tried to take it back. “I’m not happy with it, needs more work.”

“It’s perfect,” Waverly replied. “Seriously, don’t do anything more to it, or you’ll over-complicate the lines.”

“You think? I like to work on rough sketches. Get more detail in them. You need to sit again so I can do another.”

“My turn. We said, we’d take it in turns. I’ll be quick.”

Waverly picked up her pad and a piece of charcoal, working as fast as she could to capture Nicole’s face. She was finished within a few minutes, handing the pad to Nicole. She huffed, deciding her work lacked any natural grace. Waverly could sense she was competing. “Stop. Close your eyes. I know a trick that will get you out of your head. My art teacher showed me.”

“I’m not in my head. Fine, do it. I just wish I drew like you.”

Waverly lifted Nicole’s right hand, removing the pencil, bringing it to her face. She moved her hand around her face, Nicole gradually realising she needed to relax into the moment. “Let your fingers sense me, feel me, know me. Let my face be beyond what you think it is, like a sculptor revealing features as they chip away. Let it come to you.”

“Wow. Oh, wow. This is so different. I wish I had this in my classes.”

“Shush. No talking. Just feeling. When you’re ready open your eyes and draw me. Not what you think I look like. Draw me.”

Nicole allowed herself to be immersed in the experience, not wanting it to end. The touch of Waverly’s skin under her fingers more sensual than she dared express. She opened her eyes, gazing at Waverly one more time before commencing her drawing. It took no more than a minute. And, there it was. The best drawing she had ever done of a face. She stared at it, then at Waverly, then back at the drawing. “That was amazing. I’m doing that again.”

“Be careful who you do it on. It’s very personal.”

“You drew me without touching my face. And, yours was even better than this.”

“Perhaps. If you let me study your face with my hands, I can show you how my art transforms.”

“Do it. I need to see this.”

Waverly closed her eyes, her hand brushed against Nicole’s features, sending a shiver throughout her body. It was more than mere touching. She was exploring her with her fingers, learning her. She closed her own eyes, letting her face be known. The sudden loss of touch made her open her eyes, wishing it had gone on for longer. Waverly was already drawing, her hand moving rapidly across the pad, her eyes intent on her creation. As soon as she was done, she turned the pad to show Nicole. Her mouth fell open. “That’s incredible. Waverly, that’s…”

“Works even better on the body,” Waverly said, winking. “Always wondered if my art teacher got off when we did life drawing.”

“Tell me your teacher was not the model for nude classes? That’s gross. Most of my teachers I would not have wanted to see their body, let alone touch.”

“She was quite good looking.”

Nicole didn’t return the next day. Waverly wanted to call, find out if she wanted to do another sketching session, or simply talk about art. She found it refreshing working with someone new. Her mother would occasionally offer her services to new artists, or friends wanting to dabble. It paid well, that and selling her own work. She had built up quite a reputation for her range, clients waiting to see what Michelle put online, most of Waverly’s pieces ended up in a bidding war. It helped give her a little independence, keep her car running, buy nice clothes, have drinking money when out with Chrissy. 

Her family returned early afternoon. She had a choice, go work on her painting upstairs, or spend a few hours drawing at Hatchet Pond. She decided she needed a break from the shop, heading to the pond, setting up her easel, returning to the car to fetch her canvas and paints. She had just closed the boot when Nicole’s car pulled up beside hers. Getting out, she had her camera with her. “Michelle said you’d be here. I was wondering if I could take a few more photos.”

“Sure. What part do you want to start with?”

“I was thinking upper body if it’s not too cold.”

Waverly looked at her. “I meant the pond. What were you thinking?”

“Oh. Err, no the pond’s fine. I’ll take photos of the pond.”

“Nicole, we’re artists, we’re used to seeing things out on display. Did you want to do a photo shoot of me?”

Nicole lowered her gaze. “Ever since you showed me that technique with your face, it’s been on my mind. I’m best with the camera. I'll understand if it’s too exposed here. And, too cold.”

“It is a bit cold. OK, I'll do it, but you’ll have to be quick in case my bits drop off. Where do you want me?”

“I was thinking by the trees. Your skin tone, the light and shade through the leaves would work perfectly. Are you sure this is OK?”

“Let’s do it before I change my mind.”

They strolled to a wooded area, checking no one was around. Nicole selected the tree she wanted to photograph Waverly against, taking a few shots to get an understanding of the light, asking Waverly to lean against the tree. Not pose. She showed her the first few shots, both deciding the contrast worked well. 

Waverly positioned herself against the tree once more. “Do you want me to remove my coat now?”

Nicole nodded, watching through the eyepiece of her camera. “Perfect. Just hold it in your hand loosely. Wow, that really works. A few more. Are you OK going further?”

“Sure. Give me a moment.” Waverly removed her top, holding it in her hand. “Like this, or out of shot?”

“No. Like that. Definitely not small. Sorry, perfect. Lower your head a little. That’s it. Turn a little to your left.” Nicole approached. “Can we do the thing with the face again? I want to see if it works in this medium.”

“Right, so when you say face. You mean just my face. Nowhere else?”

“Oh God. No, just your face. Only your face,” Nicole’s eyes were glued on Waverly’s chest without realising. “I mean, I would, but no.”

“Nicole, if you need to touch me, touch me. I’m a big girl, well not that big. Plus, I’m getting cold so you’d better do it quick.”

Nicole slung the camera over her shoulder, closing her eyes, allowing her fingers to touch Waverly’s face, trailing them down her neck, across her shoulders, down her arms. She could feel the goose bumps on Waverly’s arms, figuring she was getting cold. Her hand moved across to Waverly’s stomach, moving slowly up the centre, realising where she was near. She paused, knowing if she went any further it would be too intimate. Her hand pulled away, eyes opening, gazing into green eyes. “I better, I should take the shot.”

Her hands held the camera as steady as they could. She focused, Waverly had come alive once more, the tree she was leaning against blending into the background. Shot after shot, after shot she captured Waverly’s essence. Waverly was dressing, shivering, walking over to see Nicole’s efforts. Her head nodding, liking what she saw. “There’s certainly a better connection with the later shots,” she commented. “I can see you were looking at me, rather than pointing the camera as you had before. Glad to have been of service. You staying to draw?”

“No, I…do you fancy dinner one evening? I can get Nigel to knock something up for us. Although, I do a mean pasta.”

“At Dan’s? OK, I’ll bring dessert.”

“Thank you.”

“For dessert? You haven’t tried it yet. You might want to reserve judgment until afterwards.”

“I meant for today. I’d given up on my art. Shae wasn’t into it in a big way.”

“Anytime. I get as much out of it as you do. Seeing the joy on your face."

They walked back to their cars, Waverly retrieving her materials, heading off to paint. Nicole watched as she sat calming herself in preparation for capturing the scene before her. Waverly Earp, she thought, what are you doing to me?

Dan was in fine form when Waverly arrived. Nigel had prepared a vegan feast, everyone sitting together in the main dining room to enjoy an evening of talk around all things art. She left shortly after 11pm, everyone complimenting her on the dessert. Dan had had two helpings, Nigel stopping him from having a third. 

“You could do a lot worse,” Dan offered, topping up Nicole’s wine glass. “She’s beautiful, if a little reserved, talented beyond belief. And, she likes you.”

“I know. I don’t want to lead her on. Not while I’m with Shae. Although, that’s debatable right now. She does this thing to connect you with the moment. It’s really cool.”

“What does Shae have that keeps you with her?” Dan asked.

“Well. She’s smart. Great body. She’ll be a doctor eventually. She wants to live in Boston. She has great taste in music.”

“I see. And, what does Waverly have that makes you want her?”

Nicole put down her wine glass. “That obvious?”

Dan nodded. “You couldn’t keep your eyes off her. You undressed her at least twice.”

“She’s Waverly. She’s her own person. No, it’s more than that. She is art. When I’m with her it’s as though the world has come to life again. I feel her joy.”

“May I make an observation,” Nigel interrupted. “I’ve not met Shae, but the way you speak about her, and forgive me here, but it’s about what Shae does, or wants to do. When you speak about Waverly it’s about what she is. What do you think Dan?”

“No, I agree. But, our heart goes to that which we believe completes us. Perhaps Nicole believes Shae completes her in some way.”

Nicole was looking at her phone. She had sent Waverly a text checking she got back OK. Waverly had sent a cheeky text back making her smile. She looked up realising everyone had stopped talking. “OK, I like her.”


	8. Vegas at sunset ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole needs to talk to someone...

Waverly knew what she did to Nicole in that hotel room was mean. And wrong. Very wrong. She had said to Chrissy two wrongs would not make it right between her and Nicole. Chrissy reassured her the wrong she was about to do would feel right. Which, after tying up her ex-lover, did feel right, in so many ways that were wrong. 

She would not have thought to do it but for Chrissy. Chrissy was nothing if not a master at getting payback on anyone she perceived to have wronged her. Or, her best friend. Waverly was back in her studio, attempting to paint, the image of Nicole naked, tied to the bed still in her mind.

She missed her body, most of all she missed the person she thought she had known, before Nicole had chosen Shae over her. She wanted her back. She wanted what they once had back. She wanted everything to be before Nicole walked out. 

Chrissy was calling. “You should have seen her face when I untied her. You’re right, she does have a fantastic body.”

“I’ve said I’ll give her one more chance. I don’t know. What if she goes back to Shae?”

“She might. She’s done it once. Probably will do it again. But, you’re not over her. So, you have a choice, go with it, or get out now.”

“What scares me is knowing she was with me when she had her heart set on someone else. How can I ever trust her?”

“Waves. This isn’t like you, all doubting and unsure. Step back, chillax, don’t commit to anything serious just yet. She hasn’t fully learnt her lesson. I can tell. Leave it to aunty Chrissy.”

“Chrissy, don't do anything. The hotel room was too far already. Whatever you have in mind, I’m not part of it.”

“Fine. I do think you need to tread carefully with her. Get the feeling she thinks there's no consequences to her actions.”

Nicole sent a text to Shae, telling her she didn’t want a second chance. She had been dragged back into Shae's little power games too many times. Saying they were through for good only to demand they get married. Who gets married on an ultimatum like that, she wondered, other than those who had run away from real love. It wasn’t even a proper marriage. Vegas at sunset, after yet another frosty conversation about whether Nicole ever loved her. They couldn’t even agree which tacky venue to use, Shae storming off in a huff, not relenting until she got her way.

That had been the problem from the very start. Shae knew she had Nicole wrapped around her little finger, her way, or no way. She liked having that power in their relationship, lording it over Nicole. Even her career choice was used as a power play. Fireworks would fly occasionally, never from Nicole, too calm, too detached. No matter what Nicole did it was never enough. She simply couldn’t please the girl.

She took her camera, heading to Hatchet Pond, to the place where she first had become aware of Waverly and the power she held over her. Waverly’s car was there, parked in its usual spot, Nicole knowing she was here to get away from everything and everyone. Her especially. She didn’t want to intrude, but she needed to see her, be with her. Walking by the edge of the water, she eventually found her in a new spot, not one they had visited before. She stopped, taking in the image, her camera coming to her eye instinctively. A couple of shots in, she reviewed them, realising her connection to Waverly had diminished.

Approaching, Waverly jumped when she felt Nicole’s hand on her shoulder. “Fuck. Don’t do that. Scared the life out of me. So, you managed to escape.”

“About that.”

“It was Chrissy’s idea.”

“I figured. You were never into bondage. Really sexy though.”

“Was, kind of. Look, Nicole, I know I said I’d give you one more chance, but…”

“I understand. I can’t expect you to come running back after what I did. If it’s any consolation, found out Shae had been with someone while we were on a break. Fucking hurt.”

“Why did you marry her? That’s what I don’t understand. You gave me a ring and married her.”

“Vegas. Chapel of Love. Shae didn’t speak to me the rest of the trip. I knew as soon as I’d done it, it was the worst decision of my life.”

“So, you gave up what we had for that. It would have been easier to accept you’d got married in a swanky hotel, or somewhere exotic. I thought I knew you, Nicole. I think I only ever knew what you wanted me to know.”

“I couldn’t make Shae happy. No matter what I did, what I didn’t do. You ever meet someone who doesn’t see you. The real you.”

“Hello. I’m looking at her right now.”

“I’m truly sorry for what I did to you. I know I keep saying it, but you are the one person in my life who gave instead of taking. I should have realised that.”

“And, why didn’t you have the decency to keep in contact. Or, tell me you’d got married. At least I would have had some closure.”

“I thought if I disappeared it would be easier for everyone. I’m not proud of getting married.”

“And, you’re not married now right? Or, are you keeping that up your sleeve just in case things don’t work out here?”

“Definitely, not married. Shae’s made contact, wants us to try again. I’ve told her we’re through, that I’m here.”

Waverly was shaking her head. “I don’t trust you Nicole. I’m sorry, but I can’t give myself to you again. I prayed you’d answer one of my messages. I prayed to hear your voice. And, then I stopped praying. And, now I’m praying for you to be the person I thought I once knew. And, that’s not good enough. It’s not strong enough to take us forward. I’m sorry. I really am.”

“I know it was too much to ask of you. I’ll never stop loving you.”

Nicole walked away, Waverly waiting until she was out of view before breaking down. She would have taken her to the woods, made love against any tree, to feel her again, but their connection had been severed. It would end up being meaningless sex, which she no longer wanted. 

Wynonna was in the kitchen feeding Alice when she returned. The look on Waverly’s face telling her she was in a bad way. She heard her going upstairs, her door closing, Ben Böhmer: Breathing on full blast, a sign she was drowning out the world. Michelle was in the garden cutting back a few of the bushes, Wynonna asking her to keep an eye on Alice while she go be with her baby sister.

She hammered on the door a few times, before realising it was unlocked. “You OK?”

“No. I’m…I just need a bit of time by myself.”

“Waves, this isn’t you. That bitch has stolen your joy. She’s caused nothing but trouble. I thought she got the message to leave you alone.”

“Tied her to a bed.”

“Kinky. OK, never had you for kinky. Tell me you’re not back together?”

“Chrissy’s idea. Tie her up, leave her in the room. The Ship.”

“I should have known Chrissy was behind it. Fucking love Chrissy. How long?”

“An hour. Chrissy wanted to leave her there longer.”

“I would have. So, you’re not back together. Thank fuck for that.”

“We’re not back together. I can’t trust her Wyn. She got married in Vegas.”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me. Give me your phone.”

“No. I don’t trust you either. I thought I knew her. Whoever I knew vanished.”

“You’re best off without her. Doc and I have had our moments, but I trust him. Well, I say trust, I’ve told him if he so much as puts a foot out of line his nuts are coming off.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t trust her. I look at her, I see her mouth moving, I hear her say she’s sorry. None of it matters.”

“Have you thought about counselling?”

“Mum mentioned it. I’m broken Wyn. I can’t go forwards. I can’t go backwards. What do I do?”

“You need to talk to someone. And, stay the fuck away from Nicole.”

Dan was watching Die Hard 4.0 when she entered the cinema room. “Love this bit. I need you to go to Paris on Thursday. Meeting with the designers. You OK?”

“No. I’ve screwed up with Waverly.”

Dan paused the film, turning the lights up. “I hate seeing you like this. It breaks my heart. Piece of advice. When I had my accident I gave up initially, everything I thought I had in my life was taken from me. My freedom, the sport I loved, even my dignity. It took me three years to feel like me again.”

“Why did I ever think Shae was the one?”

“Because you wanted her to be. We all wondered when you ended up in Vegas whether you were on drugs. Would have been easier to explain. I would have flown you to Mauritius if you’d asked. But, Vegas.”

“I’ve lost everything. Dan, I’ve lost everything. If I can’t be with Waverly, what’s the point?”

“Hey. Never, ever give up. Nicole, look at me. If you love Waverly, you fight every single day to get her back. But, you broke her trust and by the sounds of it you no longer trust yourself. I had to go to a therapist to get my head straight. And, yes, there were moments I so easily could have given up. I didn’t.”

“Talking to someone about how I screwed up is not going to get Waverly back.”

“Not yet. But, you need to understand why you did what you did to her. I don’t think it was just your need to be with Shae. You need to live like a person with nothing to hide.”

“Dan, I’m sorry. Everyone’s hurting and it’s my fault.”

He could see her eyes tearing up. “Squiggles, you mean the world to me. And, so does Waverly. Nothing would give me greater joy than to see the two of you back together, happy. But, there’s a lot of hard work between here and there. You’ve got to be prepared to put that work in, otherwise you need to walk away.”

“I’ll do the work.”

Dan called his therapist. From his own experience of dealing with the loss of his legs he knew this would have to be what his therapist had referred to as a second-order change in thinking. Nicole would need to rethink her whole life, transform it into what would work for her and Waverly. She would need to see the world in a different way, challenge assumptions she had made, work from a new and different worldview. A tall ask, but one Dan knew, once mastered, would put her in a better place. 

He also knew he needed to make contact with Michelle. She needed to be involved, if the couple were to succeed. He missed her, had been annoyed at Nicole initially for ruining the one friendship he enjoyed the most. But, family was family and they each retreated to their own corners, licking their wounds. 

He dialled her number. It went to voicemail. “Michelle, it’s Dan. We need to talk. I think we need to help them sort this out. And, I don’t want Waverly hurt any more. Give me a call.”

Michelle listened to the message. She was still hurt by what his family had done to her daughter, but she knew Dan, knew this was an olive branch. She called him. “Waverly’s a mess. Why Dan? Hasn’t Nicole done enough damage already?”

“She has. I’ve given her my therapist’s number. I’m so sorry. I think she’s beginning to realise how much damage she’s done. Are you free for dinner one evening? Michelle, I really miss your company.”

“I’ll think about it. I can’t be seen mixing with you if it hurts Waverly.”

“I understand. I love my niece dearly, but what she did to Waverly…she didn’t deserve that. I’ve told her so. Text me if you change your mind about dinner.”


	9. Coffee, tea, maybe ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only Shae wasn't in the picture...

Nicole: Dessert was great.

Waverly: Better with melted chocolate.

Nicole: Too tempting…

Waverly: Off fingers…

Nicole: Could have stayed. 

Waverly: I like my own warm bed…

Nicole: You’re quite something.

Waverly: Goodnight Nicole Haught.

Nicole: Goodnight Waverly Earp.

Nicole: Coffee? Monty’s.

Waverly: Tea!

Nicole: Tomorrow…

Waverly: Maybe…

Nicole was already in Monty’s as she entered. She had waited to order, watching her stroll over to the table, sit down, paint on her hands. She liked her easy manner. She liked not having to dance for her attention. She simply liked her.

“Why are you smiling?” Waverly asked, picking up the food menu, putting it down again.

“Am I? I don’t know, Barely know you, but you have a way about you. You’re easy to be with.”

“You’re saying I’m easy? That’s rather rude Miss Haught.”

“No. Not easy, as in easy. Easy. God, now you’re making me nervous.”

“Relax. I’m easy if you want me to be easy. And, that came out wrong.”

They both laughed at the same time, Waverly smiling back, Nicole sensing they were growing more comfortable with each other. Drinks ordered at the bar, Nicole waited for the barman to make one latte coffee and one herbal tea. She placed them on the table, stirring hers wondering what to talk about.

Waverly played with the string on the teabag dangling from her mug. “When do you start work with Dan?”

“Soon. Doing a few things for him already. Mostly advertising. I may need to go to Paris.”

“Never been. If Chrissy has anything to do with it, she’d have me over there in a shot, just so she could visit. I’m happy here. Well, happy enough for now. I may go. Or, Tuscany, like you said.”

“Do you ever get bored being here? It’s not exactly buzzing.”

“Sometimes. Have my friends. Like being with mum. And, Wynonna and John. I’d miss Alice growing up too.”

“Couldn’t wait to leave home. Parents never got on. Always arguing. Mostly about me. Stopped contacting them when I went to Princeton.”

“I could never blank my parents. OK, my dad’s a bit unreliable, but I still call him. Didn’t you miss them?”

“Not really. Easier than having to listen to them telling me I screwed up doing a fine arts degree and loving women. Dad only started speaking to me when he found out Shae’s going to be a doctor.”

“How is Shae? You were pretty upset she’d dumped you.”

“That’s Shae. On, off, on, off. I want it to work between us, but…hey, so why haven’t you got anyone?”

“You’re very good at that, aren’t you?”

“Good at what?”

“Deflecting. I ask a question, you deflect. OK, so why am I not with anyone? Had a few relationships at college. And, yes I’m not proud but one was with my teacher. That was messy, in so many ways. Interesting though. Older woman thing. God, she was good…”

Nicole’s mouth was open. “Your teacher. Wow. None of mine were worth considering. Your teacher. I’m impressed.”

“Why thank you. Didn’t last long. Great education. There’s not much going on here unfortunately. All a bit samey, as we Brits would say.”

“Don’t follow.”

“Same old faces. Champ keeps trying to go out with me. I’m sure I can do better than him.”

“Definitely. What are your plans for this evening?”

“Here. Drinking. Listening to Chrissy tell me what’s going on. She’s like live Twitter, have you noticed.”

“She does like to know everyone’s business. I prefer keeping that to myself. So, this evening?”

“Right. What about this evening?”

“Want to see a film?”

“Southampton? Could do. Any one you fancy?”

“Dan’s. He’s got a great catalogue of films. He’s away with Nigel. I could get pizza.”

“Nicole, you’re with Shae. I like you. As a friend, but I’m getting the feeling we’re moving towards something.”

“I’m kind of not with Shae right now. OK, just friends. Come as a friend.”

“That’s so Freudian,” Waverly replied, breaking into a grin. “Look, I think you’re great. The first person I’ve used my touchy art thing on. Well, apart from my teacher. And you got it. But, I don’t do complicated. I will know you’re with Shae even if you say you’re not.”

“So, it’s a yes then.”

“Fine. But, just friends. I will come as a friend.”

“Oh, right. I see what you meant about Freudian. Yes, come as a friend.”

The two sat giggling, enjoying each other’s company. Nicole intrigued to know what Waverly’s teacher had taught her besides a very erotic art technique for connecting with a subject. Dan would be away with Nigel, a trip to Munich for a winter sports clothing convention. He’d said she could have a few friends over, as long as nothing got damaged. She only needed one person to come.

Shae hadn’t made contact since saying she wanted to cool things. Nicole didn’t care. She was used to Shae disappearing on her. It was part of the back and forth in their relationship. Although, Waverly was right, there was no clear way of knowing whether they were officially no longer dating, or Shae simply wanted to go do her own thing without having to account to Nicole. Never one for confrontation, certainly not with Shae, she was happy to let things slide for a while.

Waverly was busy finishing a painting when Chrissy burst into the studio. “You have to come for a drink. I’m gasping. Plus, you’ve said nothing about your meal at Dan’s. How am I to keep going if you don’t feed me information?”

“They liked the dessert. I may have a problem.”

“Too much green in the background?”

“Not my painting. Do you think so? I can tone it down. Quite like the green. Nicole’s invited me over to watch a film.”

“She’s got the hots. Haught has got the hots for you.”

“I think she might be interested. Caught her looking. She thought she was being subtle, but I know when someone is watching me. She’s with Shae. Says they’re on a break, but I’m not sure.”

“Difficult. She’s here. Shae is there. Could be a fake. Have her dessert and eat it.”

“That’s what I’m thinking. She keeps a lot back. Half-truths. You just know when someone isn’t telling you everything. And, I don’t want to start anything and then she goes back to Shae.”

“So, you’re going to Dan’s then?”

“Too right. We can have a quick drink. Said I'd go to Dan's 8ish. Do you think I’m doing the right thing going?”

“Waverly Earp. Go, have fun. Fuck like bunnies. Enjoy. Let her go back to Shae.”

“See. Who needs a therapist when I have a friend like you? Are you sure there’s too much green in the background?”

“No idea. You’re the artist.”

Waverly set off for Dan’s. Chrissy had given her friend a longer pep talk about being sensible. She would be sensible, within reason. No harm in sampling the menu she told Chrissy. As friends, perhaps with benefits. Nicole opened the door as she pulled up, waiting for her to enter. They headed to the cinema room, Nicole having ordered pizzas. A flick through Dan’s films they both agreed it had to be the first Harry Potter film. Seats reclined, pizzas near enough to reach, Nicole dimmed the lights, letting the film commence.

As much as she wanted to, Nicole couldn’t concentrate. All she could think was how to move nearer to Waverly. She edged across her seat, glancing over occasionally at Waverly who appeared engrossed in the film. She wasn’t sure whether to reach out and touch her arm, or go take a cold shower. Waverly looked over, then back at the film. “Shall we pause it?”

“Do you want to watch it?”

“I did, only you’re fidgeting too much. Either do what you’re dying to do now, or after the film ends.”

“I’ll pause it. Are you sure you’re OK with this?”

“I won’t know till we try. And, we’re friends. Nothing more.”

That was all the encouragement Nicole needed. Film paused, she wondered how they would get close on reclining seats. She needn’t have worried. Waverly got up, straddling Nicole, gazing into her eyes. She let herself go silent, waiting for the right moment. And, then it came, Nicole felt soft lips on hers. Slow at first, the barest of touches. She wanted to move quickly into the kiss, Waverly pulling back ever so slightly, her words but a whisper. “Slow. Don’t rush.”

Nicole relaxed, the first time she had relaxed that evening. Eyes closed, allowing herself to feel Waverly. She wanted more, so much more, yet Waverly was in control. She felt hands go to her hair, brushing it away from her face, the weight of Waverly on her legs. Her hands were holding Waverly in place, a slight rocking movement as their lips danced. She thought she knew how to kiss. Even here Waverly was the master, guiding her in ways Shae would never. Shae was all about her own pleasure, Waverly was about sharing. She could feel it, the give and take. Not too much, just enough. Generous. She broke away.

Waverly was looking at her. “You OK? We can stop.”

“No. You’re…I wondered what it would be like. But, this is…”

“Better? Worse? Tell me what you want. Guide me.”

“Better. So much better. It’s like you know me.”

“Perhaps. You’re not the easiest to read. So, do we talk, or do we suck face?”

“Face. Suck face. Do what you just did again.”

They resumed their sucking of lips. Nicole getting carried away once more, Waverly slowing her, wanting them to go at a pace where they could connect. She could feel Nicole breaking away again. “What’s wrong? You’re tensing up.”

“No. It’s just. I’ve never felt this connected. How are you doing this?”

“I can feel your movements. And, I like you. It’s easier if you like someone. Let’s watch the film.”

“Must we. This is so much more fun.”

“It is. But, you’re not relaxed and I’m not sure if you’re here with me, or somewhere else.”

“Here. Definitely here. One hundred percent here.”

Waverly crawled off Nicole. “Can I be honest with you?”

“OK.”

“I’m getting ex-girlfriend vibes from you. It’s fine. I know you probably aren’t sure where you stand with Shae, but I’m kind of getting the whole comparison thing. Like I’m not her. I’m going to go. This has been lovely. You’re lovely. I’m sure Shae’s lovely. This isn’t for me.”

“Waverly wait. I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re nothing like Shae. She’s a selfish bitch and I’ve never been kissed by her the way you’ve kissed me. She’s not in my life right now. I want to see where this goes with you.”

“I know. But, you’re giving me mixed messages. Let’s call it a night. We can still be friends.”

Nicole was crestfallen, unable to hide her disappointment. She rarely let down her guard. She had done so with Waverly and here she was walking out on what should have been a perfect evening. She knew she still had feelings for Shae, but she now had feelings for Waverly. She walked her to the door, not knowing if she would see her again. Returning to the cinema room, she pulled out her phone, annoyed that Shae had come between her and Waverly.

Nicole: You’re right, we’re through. Don’t contact me again.

Shae: OK babes. I’ll collect my things from your apartment.

Nicole: So we’re over?

Shae: If that’s what you want…

She was playing her, Nicole thought, wanting to fire off another text. She decided not to go back. She would speak to Shae in person when was next in the States. She knew only too well Shae could manipulate her into changing her mind. She wanted to contact Waverly, but she too had walked out on her. Her phone buzzed. It was Waverly.

Waverly: Interesting evening. Thank you. 

Nicole: I’ve ended it with Shae.

Waverly: Goodnight Haught lips…

Nicole: What are you doing to me…!


	10. Let's talk about ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole realises she needs someone to talk to about why she screwed up...

Nicole sat in the chair opposite the therapist. Middle-aged, still attractive, she could see why Dan had worked with her. She was writing a few notes on her pad, having asked some introductory questions about her purpose for seeking counselling and what she expected to get out of their sessions.

Nicole knew exactly what she wanted to get out of counselling. Waverly.

“Tell me in your own words what led to the break-up of your relationship.”

“I cheated on her. I went back to my ex-partner, got married, stopped all contact.”

“I see. And, are you still with your other partner?”

“No.”

“Forgive me, but do you want to be in therapy? I sense your resistance. I can only work with you if you are open and honest with me.”

“I fucked up. I thought I knew what I wanted. And, then…have you ever been pulled in two directions and gone the wrong way?”

“Often. But, that doesn’t explain your choices. All actions are motivated. My job, essentially your job is to uncover those motivations, so we, you are aware. So you can choose future actions consciously.”

“I love Waverly, but when it came to committing I couldn’t.”

“So, that’s where we start. Tell me what scares you about Waverly.”

“She’s everything I’m not. She’s beyond talented. Gifted. She’s gifted. She feels the world around her, gives her heart to it. And, all I could do was bask in her shadow. I’m not jealous of her. Far from it. It’s as if…I could never live up to her expectations.”

“Was she demanding?”

“Never. Not like Shae. Fuck, Shae would have me doing backflips just to get one word from her. I got used to that. Someone telling me what to do. You know she hated me wearing yellow, or green, or purple. Said it didn’t suit me.”

“Who told you you couldn’t be you?”

Nicole paused, digging into her life. “My dad. I guess my dad. None of this is his fault. I did this.”

“None of this is anyone’s fault. Nicole, we do what we do. There are reasons for our actions and there are consequences of those actions. You’re here to work through whatever it is that is stopping you from having a fulfilling life. All blame is left outside this room.”

“You know the thing I love about Waverly. Her passion for art. She doesn’t care if people love it, or hate it, she keeps doing her thing.”

“Tell me about art. It’s clearly important to you.”

“I’d wanted to be an artist since I can remember. I wasn’t great in school. Dyslexia. Words jumping all over the place. But, put a pencil in my hand. Dan bought me a camera. Dad was pissed, said he was turning me into a stalker. Dan got me.”

“Dan’s pretty perceptive. So, what did art give you?”

“Words. Fuck, that’s only just hit me. I could express myself. That’s what Waverly showed me. There’s a way of seeing the world…why the fuck did I leave her?”

“That’s what you’re here to discover.” 

Nicole left the therapist’s house, wondering why she had never considered any of what they had discussed. She wanted to contact Waverly, tell her she was changing, her therapist advised little contact until she fully understood why she was making contact again. She had a flight to catch to Paris. She would be away for a few days, time to contemplate her life.

Waverly sat looking at her therapist. An older man, late sixties she guessed, wondering why Wynonna had suggested him.

“Tell me about yourself.”

“I’m an artist. I paint. I have a studio above my mother’s art shop.”

“Are you happy?”

“No. Definitely not happy. That’s why I’m here.”

“Explain.”

“The person I loved left me, went back to America, married her ex-partner, stopped all contact with me. And, is now trying to get back with me.”

“I see. How do you feel about your lover?”

“Oh, let me see. Fucked off. Completely distrusting. Amazed she has the fucking nerve to show up after all this time, looking to get back with me.”

“You have trust issues.”

“Trust issues? Sorry, but trust issues? Yes, of course I have trust issues.” Waverly got up. “I’m not paying you to tell me I have fucking trust issues with a woman who’s broken every single bit of trust I ever had with someone I loved. Fucking trust issues.”

Waverly stormed out. The therapist was left to finish his notes with the words his client had trust issues.

She would find her own counsellor, she concluded, driving back to Beaulieu. It came in the form of a lovely lady Michelle had used, recommended by Dan, who unbeknownst to her was now Nicole’s therapist. Their session got off to a better start. “So, tell me why you want to remain in contact with your ex-partner after what she did.”

“She fascinates me. I could be myself with her and tell her about my world. I thought she understood me. I don’t know why she ran away. I don’t know what I couldn’t give her that someone else could. I want what we had. Not what we have now.”

“I understand. Betrayal is extremely painful. The betrayed person struggles with trust. But, beyond that they struggle with the trauma of losing someone they loved. That is the most painful part of the process. I must say before we continue, I believe your ex-partner is also a client of mine. I am more than happy to continue my services with you, but I needed to make that clear.”

“Nicole is having therapy? Did she say anything about me?”

“I cannot reveal anything about my client’s conversations. I hope at some stage the two of you can join me in couple’s counselling. I would also caution you to remain honest with me. If you feel that might not be possible, I would suggest one of you find another counsellor.”

“I’ll go. Let Nicole sort things out. Thank you. It’s been useful.”

“No. Waverly, sit. You don’t need to go. Let’s at least finish this session. My time is yours.”

The counsellor spent the remainder of the session discussing loss and the grief that comes with loss, Waverly realising that was what she had been suffering ever since Nicole had done what she had done. They agreed to continue having sessions twice a week, until such time as both of them were ready to sit down together in the same room.

Nicole sat having dinner alone in her Paris hotel. There were diners laughing at other tables, enjoying their lives, a relaxed atmosphere to the place, and her. Lost within a world of pain. She remembered the conversation in Monty’s, Chrissy suggesting Waverly go be an artist in Paris, the two drinking wine by the river, Waverly saying she would be a suffering artist. At this moment, she felt like the suffering artist. Full of self-pity, wondering why she couldn’t make anyone happy, including herself. She ordered another glass of wine, taking it to her room, pulling out her phone.

Nicole: I’m in Paris. Told not to contact you.

Waverly: I know. I’m seeing your therapist.

Nicole: You are? How you doing?

Waverly: Sad. Lonely. Confused.

Nicole: Me too. I can see you in Paris.

Waverly: We’re not supposed to have contact.

Nicole: No, I can see you as an artist in Paris. In your dungarees. Why did I fuck this up?

Waverly: Can’t answer that. Sleep well. Thinking of you.

Nicole read the last message over and over. That was her Waverly. That was who she had given up to go back to someone who cared little if she slept well. Several hours of meetings, she was on her way back to Beaulieu wanting more than anything to see Waverly. She had another therapy session booked for that evening, the therapist happy to come to Dan’s house. 

They talked about betrayal. About the need for honest communication. The therapist explained how Waverly would be feeling. “Your ex-partner needs to know you accept what you did. That you are aware of the why. She knows the how, but not what led to you acting the way you did. At this stage your words will mean nothing to her. You will need to understand what led to you cheating on her.”

“I didn’t trust myself enough. I didn’t think I could be with someone like Waverly. I chose the bad over the good. Don’t get me wrong, I adored Shae, thought the world revolved around her. She drew me in. But, I wasn’t me with her. I was what she wanted me to be. All Waverly ever wanted was for me to be myself. And, I was too scared to be that person.”

“What scares you most about being you?”

“Not being good enough. Being gay. Being a red head. Being taller.” Nicole knew these were only surface reasons, she would have to dig deeper. Dan’s office suddenly became stuffy, a breakthrough moment was approaching and she wasn’t sure she wanted it. Her mind was telling her to run. Get the hell out of Dodge, her heart said she needed to face what had long been her biggest fear. She couldn’t look at the therapist for fear of breaking down. The words left her mouth. “Being loved.”

“Is that what scares you the most?”

Nicole nodded. “I saw it in her eyes. I felt it in her body. That total commitment. She loved me with every part of her being. And, it was too much. I didn’t deserve what she was giving me. I didn’t…I’m sorry, can we stop.”

“Of course. This is a huge step Nicole. It will feel painful to go through, but you are travelling in a direction you now choose. We have another session booked for Monday. Are you happy to come to my house?”

“Sure. I made contact with Waverly. She’s still thinking of me. How can I ever deserve someone like that?”

“I cannot stop you being in contact. That is your choice. I would caution what you say to each other. What I would also say is you deserve happiness. It may, or may not come in the form of your ex-partner. Time will tell. For now, you need to concentrate on you. What has motivated you in the past, whether you want to continue doing what you have done, or adapt to a new way of operating.”

Nicole’s next session went better. The therapist explained how trust can be regained. How Nicole needed to clearly understand what Waverly had felt and experienced, to prove to her she was truly sorry, willing to change and put in all the hard work to earn back her trust, no matter what. 

The word ‘safe’ was mentioned over, and over. Nicole needed to show Waverly she was safe to love again. The more she listened, the more she realised how much she had hurt Waverly. There were tears. Tears of grief. Tears of remorse. Tears of self-pity. She wasn’t one to cry, but they had to come.

The therapist gave her strict instructions. If she were to make contact, she must make her life an open book to Waverly. Give her all the time and space she needed to vent her feelings. Let her cry, ask all the questions she needed to ask, let her rage, doubt, go back and forth with her emotions. Accept the dance towards regaining intimacy might feel like two steps forward, four back. That one day it might seem like there’s hope, the next they might be further apart. 

“Nicole, you will need to stay calm while you navigate the bumps and setbacks. No overreacting to anything Waverly does. You have to be patient. Let her see what you’re prepared to do for her. For love.”

“I understand. Time and patience.”

“You need to trust yourself enough to know you won’t cheat, or disappear. All promises made must be kept. All words and actions need to come from unwavering integrity. You must do what you say you’re going to do. No lies, no excuses, no exceptions.”

“Will she ever see me differently to what she sees now?”

“I cannot give you that answer. I can only tell you what you must do.”

“If only I’d done this before I went back to Shae.”

“Nicole, no regrets. If you ever feel stuck, remember to stop, ask how would love respond? There will be times when it feels like the distance between you is growing, or your conversations shift from reunion to break up. Those are the times you lean in, take deep long breaths and say…I love you. You are the one I want. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you. It feels scary right now, but we’ll get through this.”

The therapist handed her a small card on which those words were printed. Nicole repeated them to herself. “I do love her. How can I love her this much and have caused her so much pain?”

“It is enough you are beginning to understand the consequences of your actions. It will guide you in your future actions.”

Waverly was due to see the therapist the next day. She sat playing with a hairclip, for some reason feeling more anxious than usual.

“Tell me what’s bothering you,” the therapist began. “You appear ill at ease today.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever trust her. I want to trust her, but every time I think I can everything she did comes flooding back. It’s there all the time.”

“It will always be there. It will never go away, but it will be part of your shared history, something you will have worked at to understand and hopefully grow beyond.”

“What I don’t understand is why she ghosted me. One text to say she was going back to Shae. I rang, I sent messages. Nothing. That’s what hurt the most. Like she erased me from her life.”

“Stopping all communication is extremely painful. It is an avoidance strategy, when not able to deal with direct confrontation. It lacks insight, both in terms of a person’s own behaviour and how it will affect others.”

“I wasn’t given a chance to ask questions. I just wanted to know why? Why she chose Shae over me?”

“When someone decides to return to an ex-partner, they can feel the urge to avoid that which might cause them to doubt their decision. Again, it is an avoidance strategy. They may well have spoken badly about their ex-partner, but now are looking for reconciliation. It opens them up to judgement and having an uncomfortable conversation can produce dread and anxiety making the person freeze.”

“So, you’re saying Nicole avoided having a conversation with me, because she was scared I would judge her or might make her change her mind. I’d never do that. I’d be angry, but I would rather have her talk it through with me. Show me some respect. She was the one who judged me.”

“It may look that way from your perspective. You are correct, it lacked respect for you and it denied you the opportunity to understand the actions being taken.”

“I wish she’d never come back. I have to deal with all this all over again. I don’t know why she wants to give us another go. What we had was amazing, but now, what’s the point.”

“There are no guaranteed outcomes for either of you. It may well be you decide this is not a healthy enough relationship for you to continue with. And, I would strongly advise you to consider very carefully any future you have with your ex-partner.”

“So, you’re saying I shouldn’t get back with Nicole.”

“I am saying both of you need to take a long, hard look at what has happened. And, I would say the decision must lay with you, not your ex-partner as to whether you go forward in any relationship.”


	11. Three's a crowd ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only Nicole could stop thinking about Shae...

Chrissy was on the phone to Waverly mid-morning. “So, how was it? I’m guessing full on sex, am I right?”

“Wrong. I bailed. Got the feeling I was being compared to Shae.”

“Yuck. Hate it when that happens. Tell me she didn’t say you’re nothing like my other girlfriend.”

“Almost. I mean, she’s really good at kissing, but, I could tell she wasn’t relaxed, as if she wasn’t supposed to be with me.”

“You think it was nerves? She puts on this cool, indifferent act, maybe she’s shy.”

“Could be. I’m used to someone with a little more confidence in that department. Crap, I’m doing it to her. Comparing her to Rosita.”

“Waves, your teacher was in her late thirties. Of course she’s not going to have the sexual confidence of an older teacher who knew how to get you into bed.”

“Guess so. I don’t know. We’ll see. Kind of left in a hurry. Should I call her?”

“Up to you. Is she with her ex or not?”

“Honestly, no idea. These international relationships are so hard.”

“Says Miss Cosmopolitan.” Chrissy teased. “You know what you need?”

“I know what I’d like. She’s left me feeling really horny.”

“You need a night out in the city. You could ask Miss I’m not sure who my girlfriend is to come along. Your call. Fuck, need to go. Boss is looking at me.”

Waverly was undecided. She toyed with the cap on one of her paint tubes. Unscrewing it, forcing some of the contents onto the tray, her brush poised to absorb the vibrant blue. She could hear her mother calling, knowing she would need to break away from her work, go see what she wanted.

Nicole was standing in the shop holding a box of chocolates from the Chocolate Studio. They looked at each other, neither knowing what to say. Nicole remembered she had the chocolates. “Vegan. They didn’t have a t-shirt your size.”

“Extra-large if I keep eating these. Thank you. You OK?”

“Sure. Want a coffee? Tea, you want a tea?”

“Can’t, so behind on my piece. Come up. Sit with me.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Sure. Why am I saying sure now? I’m turning American. Come on, before I change my mind.”

Nicole followed her upstairs, entering the studio, seeing her latest effort. “How do you paint like that?”

“I let it speak to me. Does that sound crazy?”

Nicole sat on the only other stool in the room, staring at Waverly’s painting. “You connect with your work.”

“I can feel where it needs to go. Have to be really calm inside though. My teacher taught me that. Still my mind, let whatever is in my heart speak.”

“Same teacher you were close to?”

“She had a way of seeing the world. God, her art was sex on canvas.”

“And, you didn’t stay with her.”

“Obviously. Sex is one thing, but after a while it becomes meh if there’s nothing behind it. So, Miss Haught, tell me about your sex life.”

“Nothing to say. Been with Shae forever. Never done it with a teacher.”

“And, Shae is your only partner?”

“No. I’ve had others…been, made love to others. Are you sure I’m not disturbing you?”

“You don’t do sex talk do you?”

“More hands on.”

“OK,” Waverly replied, studying Nicole's face, the urge to kiss her becoming more powerful. “Prove it.”

“But, I thought you didn’t like my style.”

“Nicole, I didn’t like being in a threesome.”

“Ouch. Message received. Would you let me try again?”

“I might. Depends what you have in mind.”

Nicole stood, knowing this could be her last chance to show Waverly she wanted to take what was growing between them further. Her words came out as a command. “Turn round. Start painting.”

She saw Waverly take a sharp breath in. It was now. It had to be now. She stood behind her as her hand moved the brush to the canvas. Nicole moved her hair away from her neck, exposing skin, her lips feeling Waverly’s body respond as they connected. Her hands were on her hips, moving her body into Waverly’s.

Breathing picking up, she could see her new lover’s hand shaking as she attempted to apply paint to the area her brush was focused on. Nicole couldn’t hold back, hands moving up Waverly’s waist, finding entry inside her dungarees, bare skin causing her to miss a beat with her lips. Waverly dropped the brush, the sound of it hitting the floor breaking the moment.

“Wait, wait. Nicole, the door.”

Nicole was confused, until she realised Waverly wanted complete privacy. She turned the key, sealing them in. Waverly turned up the music: Gabriel & Dresden – Only Road.

They resumed their positions, Waverly no longer bothering to paint. She wanted to know Nicole. Beyond conversation. Eyes closed, Nicole standing behind her, hands once more on bare skin, moving up under her skimpy t-shirt. 

Nicole could feel Waverly’s rapid breathing, knowing she was having an effect on her, her own breathing matching the pace. She felt her way towards where Waverly was longing for her to explore, her touch making Waverly gasp. Destination achieved.

Waverly’s arms grabbed the back of her neck, holding on, letting Nicole go where she wanted. 

Nicole felt her hand shaking as she made contact. Soft. She needed more. She needed everything. Her right hand moving away towards what was being made available elsewhere. She knew she was being invited in, she knew all she had to do was move her hand down. Her eyes closed, her body against Waverly’s, moving in rhythm. She felt the ridge of cotton, her hand pausing against a heaving stomach, fingers slipping between, down towards what she had wanted since the photo shoot in the woods.

And then Shae. Her mind trying to clear itself of any thoughts of her. Her hand resting, poised. Shae. Fucking Shae. Remembering how she liked to be touched. How this would never be acceptable. Unbridled passion not her thing. Her hand pulled away, her mind fucking up this one chance. She felt the change in Waverly, realising she had stopped short of what she wanted too.

The gap between their bodies widened, Nicole not knowing if she should run, or stay and explain to Waverly she had fucked up what was perfect. Waverly turned, her legs opening to receive her, resting her head on Nicole’s heart, her arms locked around her waist. “I understand. I’m not her. I can’t be her. This is too soon for you.”

Nicole’s eyes were stinging, desperate not to let Waverly see how emotional she was. “I’m sorry. I think you’re wonderful. Another time, perhaps.”

Waverly watched as Nicole fumbled with the lock on the door, leaving. Not even a goodbye kiss. That girl was trouble, she concluded, picking up her paintbrush, wondering why someone with everything Nicole had to offer acted as though they were undeserving of love. 

Chrissy called to say the taxi would pick her up just after 9pm at Michelle’s. Wynonna had decided to go with them, needing a night away from nappies, Doc given strict instructions what to do with Alice. Michelle was on call should he need her. He called her shortly after the girls had left to say Alice was crying and he couldn’t find her favourite toy. Michelle retrieved it from Waverly’s studio, dropping it over. She stayed for the rest of the evening to make sure Alice was sleeping, Doc having taken up residence on the couch in front of the TV.

It had been a while since the sisters had been out on the town together. Waverly being away at university, Wynonna being pregnant with Alice, life had got in the way. Tonight was their night, Wynonna determined to let her hair down. Chrissy made sure her girls were refreshed with vodka shots. Their friends were on hand to keep the party atmosphere going. Several drinks in, way too much dancing, Wynonna needed to find a chill out area. “I don’t know how you youngsters keep going. Who’s in for another round?”

Waverly shook her head. “Too much already. Need a bit of advice.”

“Don’t mix grape and grain. Never ends well,” Wynonna offered.

“Sisterly advice.”

Wynonna focused on Waverly. “OK. I’ll do my best. Not great with advice.”

“I’m kind of seeing Nicole. But, it’s complicated.”

“As in Miss America. And, by complicated you mean what?”

“She’s with someone. I get the feeling she wants to be with me. Have you ever been with someone who’s there then disappears on you?”

“Most of my ex-lovers. Surprised Doc stayed around. Although…we are good together.”

“I mean when you’re with someone and they’re there with you, the next they’re somewhere else.”

“Right. Nope. I usually keep their attention with these,” Wynonna replied, cupping her assets, moving them up and down.

“You told me bigger wasn’t better, now you’re saying yours get more attention.”

“Baby sister jealous. Don’t be. These are milk boobs. Incredibly sore right now and I’m fucked if Doc goes anywhere near them.”

“What do I do about Miss America?”

Wynonna downed a shot of vodka. “If I was you, I’d play it really cool. Let her do the running. If she can’t see what she has with you let her go.”

“She scares me.”

“Never a good sign. Great for sex, but comes at a cost. Waverly, she’s exotic. Don’t let that cloud your judgement. Right, another round of shots.”

They danced the night away, Waverly knowing she didn’t need someone as complicated as Nicole in her life right now. She was young, still exploring her world, finding her way. She had no need for someone who didn’t know her mind. Let Nicole keep Shae, she decided. Better to let her go now. The rest of the night was a blur.


	12. Kiss me quick ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole needs to take the pressure off Waverly...

The therapy sessions were helping. Nicole was beginning to understand how she had ended up in a dysfunctional relationship with Shae. How she tended to close down her emotions and her passions rather than confront a problem. She gradually came to understand why they had been attracted to each other and why their relationship gravitated towards game playing rather than true connection. 

She wanted to say so many things to her, about how hurt she felt, how lonely she had been. Her therapist cautioned her not to proceed with communications until she fully understood what her intentions were for making contact. She also cautioned her not to emotionally unload on her ex-partner, especially given she may well not be able to handle Nicole’s newly found insights about herself.

Waverly was slowly beginning to understand Nicole’s actions were driven not by a desire to hurt her, although they most certainly had. Rather, they were driven out of fear. Out of a desperate need to protect herself from being vulnerable in their relationship. The therapist could tell Waverly was the more mature emotionally of the two, her ability to ask questions, to sit and listen to her therapist, her way of explaining her feelings. All pointed to her being more secure in her attachment to others, while Nicole clearly avoided deep attachment. 

Nicole waited for Waverly to answer. “How are you? How’s therapy going?”

“Fine. You?”

“Good. Listen, I know it’s still early days, but I’d like to buy you that meal.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea right now. There’s still so much for me to process. Another time perhaps. But thank you.”

“Will we ever get back together?”

“I can’t say. At least I’m beginning to understand what happened. Why I never thought to go to therapy before.”

“Me too. Do we have a chance?”

“Nicole, don’t pressure me. And, stop rushing us. Look, I’ve got to go. I am thinking of you.”

“No. Wait, Waverly, I’m sorry. I’m lonely. God, this is hard. I want us…I want you. Remember when…”

“I’m lonely too. My love, we need to find ourselves before we find each other again. I can’t promise what the future holds, but it can’t be what our past held. I couldn’t go through that again, ever. You need to give me time to make peace with what happened.”

“I’m scared. Scared you’ll come out the other side and not want to give me another chance.”

“I love you. I know you’re scared. I know all of this is painful for you. Keep going for me. I miss you.”

Nicole felt the tears coming, wiping them away as best she could. She wondered if she should simply walk away from this, let Waverly have her life back. She called her therapist. It went to voicemail. Even her lousy therapist didn’t want to talk to her, she thought. She left a message. “I need to talk to you. I can’t go on. I’ve messed up with Waverly.”

Her therapist was with another client. As soon as she heard Nicole’s message she called her. “Nicole, tell me what’s happening.”

She was sobbing. “I called Waverly. She doesn’t want us to get back together.”

“Did she say that?”

“No. She needs time to process, to understand. But, I can hear it. I can hear she doesn’t want us.”

“We talked about giving Waverly space. We also talked about open communication. I sense you are interpreting her words in a way that is making you believe there is little future in re-establishing your relationship. I suggest you come in early tomorrow say 7.30am. We can discuss how you’re feeling. This is all part of the process. Nicole, are you happy to come in tomorrow?”

“What’s the point? There’s no point. I’ve lost her, no amount of talking will change that.”

“I’m coming over. Give me half an hour I’ll be with you. Nicole, this will pass.”

Dan let her in. “She’s really upset. I’m not sure how much you’re going to achieve right now.”

“I’ll do my best. I was worried in the way she was speaking. Can we use your office again?”

Dan knocked on Nicole’s door. “Jill’s here. Can I come in?”

“I can’t Dan. I’m done talking. Tell her to go.”

“Nicole, just let me in for a moment. You don’t have to talk to Jill, but I think we need to talk.”

He heard the door unlock, Nicole moving back towards the bed. He wheeled himself towards her, placing his hand on her knee. “It breaks my heart to see you like this. I know you’re hurting and everything feels impossible. I’ve been there. I thought about giving up many times. But, when you reach a difficult part, or a scary part, it’s telling you you’re getting close to a breakthrough.”

“She…I don’t think she wants to get back with me. Dan, what do I do? What if I go through all this and she’s not there at the end of it all.”

“I know Waverly. She loves you, but she’s hurting right now. As you are. If you rush this, or run away from this you deny the possibility of there even being a chance of you two getting back together. Would you like me to send Jill away? You don’t have to speak to her, but I think it would help you.”

“I’ll speak to her. Dan, thank you. I’m sorry I’m like this. I can usually keep my shit together.”

“I would rather you were like this. I think you’ve been holding your shit together for far too long. This is who I want to see. The real you. OK, the snot coming out of your nose is not a good look, but the rest of you is perfect.”

Nicole laughed as she cried, hugging her uncle, knowing she was an emotional wreck, knowing he loved her just the way she was. Jill smiled when she entered Dan’s office. Nicole sat in one of the armchairs, sniffing, feeling very sorry for herself. “I just want to be happy again.”

“And, that’s where we’ll start.”

Jill stayed for two hours. When she left Nicole was in a better place. She acknowledged she had panicked, rushed the process, wanted something from Waverly before she was ready. She needed to trust what was happening, to allow her fears to be there without overreacting. Jill suggested she give Waverly a few days, then if she wanted to make contact send her a text beforehand to let her know when she wanted to speak. To keep their conversations light, expectation free. Non-demanding. Nicole hugged her as she was leaving, something she would never have done before therapy. 

Waverly sat in Jill’s home scanning the books on her shelves, unaware Nicole had had a melt down after their last phone call. “Nicole called me,” she began. “Wanted to have a meal. I told her I wasn’t ready. I am ready I think, but she started pushing and I backed away. I think I did the right thing. I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to be sure if we get back together she knows how to make it work this time.”

“You did the right thing. There is no time limit on how long this will take for either of you. Both of you are going through your own healing journeys. One may have a slightly shorter journey than the other, time will tell. I know you’re not ready for couples counselling just yet. Other than that, I cannot say how long this will take you, or your ex-partner.”

Their session went well, Waverly leaving Jill’s home feeling more at peace than she had in a long time. She sent Nicole a text.

Waverly: I love you.

Nicole: I love you too. I’m sorry for freaking out on you.

Waverly: I do want that meal. Can’t promise I won’t pour beer over you.

Nicole: Are you sure?

Waverly: About the beer…

Nicole: The meal…

Waverly: LOL…yes. 

Nicole: Tomorrow?

Waverly: Tomorrow’s good. 

Nicole: I’ll pick you up at 7.

Waverly: Best not. Text me the restaurant, I’ll meet you there. 

Nicole: Love you.

Waverly: I know you do. Go do things.

Waverly: Don’t think about me tying you up.

Nicole: Bring that chord with you. 

Waverly: I might…

In the space of twenty four hours Nicole had gone from giving up on everything to feeling things were going to be alright. Jill had reassured her this might happen on multiple occasions. She told her to call any time she felt anxious, or was not coping with a situation. Nicole rang her from her car waiting for Waverly. Jill guided her to relax, to keep telling Waverly she loved her, to recite the phrase on the card if things became stressful. She wished her a pleasant evening.

Waverly was ten minutes late, pulling up near Nicole’s car, not seeing her waiting inside. Nicole could see her doing her hair in the mirror, putting on lipstick. Waverly rarely wore lipstick, she thought, something new. She wondered what it might taste like on her lips. She calmed her breathing, knowing better than to turn up with lust written all over her face and body. Try as she might her thoughts became more erotic, the hotel room, Waverly on top of her, the look in her eyes.

“Breathe, Nicole, you’ve got this. Just breathe. Let everything go. This is a meal with a friend, who I want to fuck so badly. Breathe, breathe." Waverly tapped on her window. “Fuck. Sorry, hi,” realising she was speaking through glass. She lowered the window. “Sorry, hi again. You look amazing. Is this still OK?”

“I’m here. Shall we go in, or do you want to stay out here?”

Nicole wanted to climb in the back of her car and take her there. She climbed out of the car. “Go in. Warmer. I like your outfit. Very you.”

“Thank you. Love yours. Purple really suits you. Did you book a table?”

“Of course. The one in the corner. I remembered.”

“I’m sorry I said no before. I wasn’t ready. Jill’s helped me a lot.”

“And me,” Nicole stopped, taking Waverly’s hand, feeling her own shake. “I’m so sorry about what I said. What I’ve done. What I’m doing to you right now. I’m sorry.”

“Nicole, would you do something for me? Well, two things.”

"Name them."

“Stop saying sorry while we’re having the meal. And…”

“And…”

“Kiss me.”


	13. Vertically, or horizontally ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hangover has unexpected benefits...

Waverly woke with a sore head. She remembered the taxi ride home, she remembered putting her key in the door. She must have found her way to bed somehow. Her mother came in. “You’ve some explaining to do missy.”

Head under her pillow, not wanting the world to be so loud, her hangover kicking in. “Have I?”

“Firstly, key left in door. Secondly, tap left running. And, whatever you were talking to Nicole about at 2am this morning I should not have had to hear.”

“Sorry. Too many shots. Was I really on the phone to Nicole? I have no idea what I said to her, wait, oh no, it’s coming back. I’d better call her.”

Nicole was exercising. She had finally found a climbing club she wanted to try. Her phone rang, deciding to let it go to voicemail. Ten more minutes of working out, her abs in need of toning. Listening to Waverly’s message she couldn’t help but laugh. Full of apologies, not quite knowing what she had said to her exactly.

Nicole knew full well what was on Waverly’s mind when she called. She realised as soon as Waverly started talking she was drunk. Cute drunk, a very sexy drunk, clearly having forgotten all about Nicole’s disappearing act from her studio, wanting to carry on where they had left off. Nicole was only too willing to try again, although perhaps when Waverly was a little less drunk.

She called her. “How’s the head?”

Waverly’s voice now raspy. “Sore. Very sore. About last night, Really, really sorry. Don’t usually drunk call friends. I blame Wynonna and all those shots. Did I say anything embarrassing?”

“You wanted me to fuck you in the woods. The art studio. Also, my bed, the swimming pool and the back of my car.”

“Oh, so pretty much everywhere. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Don’t be. Best call I’ve had in ages. Couldn’t get back to sleep obviously, thinking about everywhere you want me to do it to you.”

“In my defence, I was very, very drunk.”

“So you don’t want me to fuck you everywhere?”

“If I said yes, would I sound like a really horny person?”

“Most definitely.”

“I’m never going to be able to look at you ever again.”

“What are you doing later?” Nicole asked.

“Duvet day. Rehydrating. Staying alive. Staying out of Michelle’s way. Left the key in the door. Thank God this village is so dull no one bothered stealing anything.”

“Will Michelle be in the shop?”

“Why?”

“Only you never mentioned your bed. Just wondering if you wanted to add it to the list.”

“I look dreadful. My head’s splitting. If you’ve a cure for those.”

“I might. I’ll call when I’m outside.”

“Fine. Don’t expect too much. I’m rather fragile at the moment.”

Nicole rocked up shortly after 11am. She called, waiting for Waverly to answer. It went to voicemail. She sent a text, called again. A sleepy Waverly answered. “Hello. Sorry, fell asleep. I’ll let you in.”

“Wow, you look rough.”

“Thanks. This is what Wynonna does. Come in. I need to take some painkillers and remove my brain. God, it hurts.”

Nicole entered carrying emergency hangover supplies. Vegan pizza, candy, orange juice. She followed Waverly to the kitchen, placing everything on the breakfast bar, sitting on one of the high stools. Waverly poured herself a large glass of water, opening a kitchen cupboard, extracting a box of headache pills, popping two in her mouth, taking several gulps of water, resting her head on the work surface. “Would you like a coffee? I can make you a coffee. Might need to lie down again.”

“That would be sensible. Listen, I can go if you like. You’re not well.”

“No, stay.”

Waverly took Nicole’s hand, leading her upstairs to her room, climbing back into bed. Nicole was at a loss what to do. She stood gazing down at someone who was fast taking over her life. Waverly sat up. “Sorry, did you want to lie next to me. I’m not much good at the moment. I promise I won’t puke.”

Nicole took off her shoes, her jacket, her Princeton sweatshirt, climbing alongside Waverly, lying on top of the duvet, letting her hand rest on Waverly’s hip. This felt good, she thought. No pressure to do anything other than be next to her. She moved a little closer, the smell of her hair filling her nostrils, the thin strap on her night top revealing her bare shoulders. She moved her hand up to Waverly’s hair, brushing it away to expose even more skin. Waverly sighed, telling her she approved. She lay there, Waverly drifting off to sleep again, snoring lightly. Nicole closed her eyes letting the world drift away too. 

She woke a few hours later, the sensation of Waverly stroking her hair. “You have very pretty features, do you know that?”

“Hello again. There’s cold pizza downstairs. And juice. Candy. Your basic hangover essentials.”

“I’m feeling better. Never going clubbing with Wynonna ever again.”

“I don’t know. Drunk Waverly, sex talking me is kind of cute.”

“Can’t believe I did that. What stays in sober comes out drunk, as they say. Look, I can tell you’re not over Shae. I understand. Really.”

“I am. I am over her. It's...it's...I keep letting her crawl back into my life. Waverly, I like you. A lot. I’ve not been with anyone serious apart from Shae. But, you feel right to me. Home.”

“I feel like a home to you?” Waverly teased. “Cottage, or apartment, or Dan’s place?”

“Definitely small English cottage.”

Waverly pulled herself on top of Nicole, laying her head against her chest. “So mean. Right, for that I must kiss you.”

Waverly lifted herself towards Nicole’s lips, sensing Nicole was more relaxed than she had been on their last two encounters. She planted a kiss on Nicole’s cheek. “I may have hangover breath.”

“Don’t mind. Let me find out.” Nicole pushed herself up, Waverly straddling her, looking deep into her eyes, her hands pulling Waverly’s hips into her, lips meeting. “Not bad. Needs a little pizza to spice things up.”

“Oh, so you want spicy?”

Waverly lifted her top over her head, Nicole’s eyes immediately going to bare skin, taking in the vision before her. Before she could even stop herself her lips had found Waverly, the gasp she let out telling Nicole she had found home. Nicole’s eyes closed once more, leaning back, letting Waverly take over, letting her have her body to explore. Shae most definitely was no longer in the picture.

The button on her jeans was being undone, the sound of a zip releasing, the touch of fingers moving across her skin. Moving lower. Moving towards. She could hear her own breathing, feel her own heart pounding a faster rhythm, Waverly’s fingers moving with her body. And then, and then, the first touch, her own hands going to her head, her own words leaving her mouth. “More, more, Waverly, faster.”

Waverly responded, going with Nicole’s hips as they rocked to increase the sensation. Nicole wanted to bare herself completely, expose everything to her new lover, let her have all that was her. Waverly eased her movements sensing this was becoming too intense for Nicole. “You OK? I can stop.”

“Don’t stop. Oh God, don’t stop.”

“Faster, or slower?”

“Faster. Please don’t stop.”

Waverly resumed her movements, Nicole leaning into each stroke, lost in the moment. She could feel Waverly hesitating to go further, her own hand reaching down to guide Waverly to what she wanted. As Waverly entered she let out a cry, her body needing this contact more than she realised.

Waverly could feel how much she wanted her, their bodies dancing together, Nicole so close, not wanting her to stop. Her head dipped, wanting to be near Nicole, to hear her heart, feel their togetherness.

Then the tears came, Waverly too caught up in her own emotions, feeling Nicole tighten around her, the deep moan from Nicole’s lips as Waverly sent her over the edge. Breathing into the moment, Nicole opened her eyes. “What’s wrong? Waverly, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Probably the hangover. Can I lay on you?”

“You can do whatever you fucking like after that. My God, oh my God, I’m still shaking.”

“That’s the first time I’ve heard you swear. I like it.”

“Is there anything you’re not good at? Seriously.”

“Drinking with Wynonna.”

“Bet you’re even good at rock climbing.”

“That’s pretty random after making love. No, never tried it.”

“Right I’m taking you climbing.”

“Now? I’m not dressed for it.”

“Waverly, Waverly, Waverly, where have you been all my life?”

Nicole left before Michelle returned, the two having consumed cold pizza and lukewarm orange juice. Chrissy sent a message to say she had been dying all day, couldn’t make drinks later, or ever again her head hurting that much. Waverly decided she would keep her duvet day with Nicole quiet for now. As much as it was special, their moment, she still had the feeling the relationship was haunted by Nicole’s ex. She would need to take this slowly, she thought, make sure Nicole was ready. More importantly, make sure she was available. 

Not that she was looking for anything serious with Nicole, knowing she may well return to the States at some future date. She did not want what they were currently exploring to end up being meaningless sex. Mind you, any sex with Nicole right now was good, she decided, her appetite suitably whetted.

Other than a few text messages, Nicole had not been in contact since visiting Waverly at her home. Waverly wasn’t too concerned, happy to be able to get on with her painting while babysitting Alice. She had just finished the latest piece when her phone buzzed. Nicole was inviting her to the indoor climbing gym in Southampton. Beginner slot booked, Nicole picked Waverly up outside Michelle’s shop, Waverly looking nervous. Chrissy wanted to gate crash, saying it would be worth the photos on her phone, Waverly telling her she would get Nicole to take enough embarrassing shots to satisfy her curiosity as to whether she could hang off a rock face thirty feet in the air.

The place was buzzing when they arrived. Several groups of kids having lessons, some better than others. Waverly watched as those with more confidence ascended with ease, those who hesitated struggling to find footholds and positions for their fingers. Her first thought was to draw the scene, its colours, its contours. Capture the vibrancy of the place. Then she remembered she was here at the invite of Nicole, who had told her climbing was her first love. Naturally agile, yoga devotee, Waverly knew better than to outshine Nicole in this one arena.

She quickly was realising Nicole was competitive. Climbing was something she had mastered and Waverly wanted her to take the lead. Nicole helped her with the harness, fitting her own, standing back to let the instructor check Waverly’s was on properly. A young guy, early twenties, attempting to grow a beard, introduced himself. “Hi, I’m Robin. So, either of you climbed before?”

“Never,” Waverly replied. “Not sure how good I am with heights.”

“No worries. We go slow, at your pace.” He turned to Nicole. “You a beginner too?”

“Been climbing a few years.”

“Oh yeah. Anywhere good?”

“Joshua Tree, the Gunks, Leavenworth, Todra…”

“Definitely not a beginner. You might be showing me a few tricks at this rate.”

Nicole looked at Waverly, who winked back, mouthing the word ‘tricks.’ She felt happy being able to do something better than her new lover. She returned the wink, standing back, letting Robin demonstrate the basic holds and movements up the easiest of climbing walls. Nicole watched as Waverly made her first attempts, getting so far, stalling, Robin allowing her to descend on the rope to start again. 

Waverly’s session over, she watched as Nicole scaled the hardest wall to the top effortlessly, her long legs and athletic body making all the tricky manoeuvres look easy. Robin applauded as she descended on the rope. “Your technique is excellent. Best I’ve seen, definitely learnt a few tricks today. Thanks girls. Good going Waverly. Book up another lesson sometime. You’ll soon be as good as Nicole.”

They waited until they were outside before grinning at each other. Waverly couldn’t resist. “Tricks. Any tricks you want to show me?”

“So many.”

“Vertically, or horizontally?”

“You fancy coming back to Dan’s?”


	14. You say Alexa ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole explains to Waverly why she might have acted the way she did...

A quick kiss in the car park, they walked hand in hand towards the entrance. The restaurant was fairly quiet, mostly other couples enjoying an Italian meal, waiters standing around looking bored. Nicole watched as a waiter moved Waverly’s chair out allowing her to be seated, taking the menu from him, looking over at Nicole. “I love this place, good choice.”

“Thanks. Listen, I’m sorry about everything. Fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to say sorry.”

“Nicole, relax. You can say it. I just want us both to enjoy this.”

“How’s your work coming along? Seen all the pieces Michelle puts online. Dan’s purchased one from your last series. Sunrise over Beaulieu. Stunning.”

“Can you thank him for me. Out of curiosity, why were you looking at my work online?”

“Stay connected to you. My way of keeping in touch. Crazy right?”

“Not crazy. Romantic.”

“I’m trying acrylics. Need a good teacher.”

“Do you now. So you’ve kept up with your art? I’m glad.”

“Only dabbling. Not like before, not like when I was with you.”

“How’s your photography going?”

“Fine. Listen, can I tell you something. I’ve been meaning to, but…”

“Of course. What is it, you look worried.”

“Jill thinks she knows what might be behind my way of handling things.”

“OK. Tell me.”

“She thinks I might have mild alexithymia. Like I’m colour blind to emotions.”

“Seriously? It would make sense. Oh God, Nicole, I’m sorry. Can it be treated?”

“I think so. I hope so. I want to stop hurting people. You mostly.”

Waverly could feel her emotions bubbling to the surface. Jill mentioned this might have been one of the reasons why Nicole’s anxiety in the relationship was heightened, although she hadn’t specifically mentioned whatever the term was Nicole was now using. She calmed her breathing, taking a moment, letting it pass. “Do you know what this Alexa condition is?”

“Alexithymia. I don’t understand emotions the way others do.”

“Right. And, that’s why you did what you did to me?”

“I did what I did because I couldn’t see what I had right in front of my eyes. Although, having alexithymia contributed to me fucking everything up. Shall we order?”

“Hold on. So you knew what you were doing, or you didn’t know what you were doing?”

“Bit of both. I don’t do negative emotions that’s for sure. When things get too much I run.”

“Obviously. When you say you don’t do negative emotions. You’re happy all the time? I’m confused. What don’t you do?”

“I don’t do your negative emotions. The vegan garlic pasta with roasted tomatoes sounds good.”

“When was I negative? And, for that matter, since when was this all my fault.”

Nicole raised her eyes from the menu, looking directly at Waverly. “Aren’t you going to order?”

“You’ve just accused me of being the reason you ran off and got married to your ex-partner.”

Nicole looked confused. “No I didn’t. I said I don’t understand negative emotions. I close down. Block them out. I’m working with Jill to cope with them when they arise.”

“So you’re not blaming me.”

“No. Why would you think that? None of this is your fault.”

“I’m going to need a very large drink,” Waverly said. “Crap, I’m driving.”

They ordered, the emotional distance between them narrowing a little, Waverly wondering why she had not noticed Nicole’s ability to emotionally cut herself off when overloaded by negative feelings. And then, those moments when it had occurred came to her. Like not seeing red vans, then seeing every single one when you consciously think about them. 

The meal was pleasant enough. No pressure, Waverly all the while looking at Nicole wondering who she really was. She needed to speak to Jill, waiting for her next therapy session to unload everything she had held back during her evening with Nicole. “Can she have a normal relationship? That’s all I want to know.”

Jill raised her eyes from her notes. “Yes, of course. But, they handle the world differently than you and I. They fall in love. The difficulty is in expressing that love.”

“So, Nicole loved me? As in really loved me. But, she destroyed what she supposedly loved. It doesn't make sense.”

“You are correct. Her behaviour puzzled me too. That's why I began exploring possible causes for such behaviour. Did you ever hear your ex-partner express what she was feeling? Did she ever tell you she was angry, or happy, excited, worried?”

Waverly thought. “Perhaps. Well, no. Not often. I thought she wanted to come across as cool and sophisticated. So, she can’t tell me she’s feeling those feelings? I’m so confused.”

“She will be feeling these emotions, but if you asked her to tell you what that emotion is she may well not be able to name it. Where you could identify your feelings as being sad, or hurt, your ex-partner cannot.”

Waverly sat playing with the end of her shirt. “I’m still confused. She doesn’t feel anything for me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Quite the opposite. She feels a lot. Too much on occasions. More than she is able to cope with. The intensity of her emotions for you drove her to act in the only way she knew how. To run.”

“What scares me is whether she’ll run again. That things get too much for her and she decides to quit.”

“That may well happen. I cannot give you assurances your ex-partner will be able to handle all her emotions. The one positive is she agreed to undertake counselling and has remained committed to the process. That is a huge step.”

“We went for a meal. Did she tell you? I loved being with her again. But, she said my negative emotions were the cause of her running.”

“You were never the cause Waverly. Nicole’s interpretation of what was happening was the cause. Never you. Remember, you have a deeper, broader emotional range. You feel things and are able to express those feelings without them overwhelming you. Think of Nicole as only being able to paint in black and white, when you have the whole rainbow available to you.”

Waverly gasped, the enormity of Nicole’s condition hitting her. “She only does monochrome photography. Oh God, her whole emotional life has been monochrome. I can’t.”

Waverly broke down. The first time she had cried in front of Jill. They finished the session with more guidance on how to deal with someone unable to understand the full spectrum of emotions available to others. All Waverly wanted to do was hug Nicole, make her understand what it was like to be loved. 

She called as soon as she left Jill’s office. “Nicole Haught, I love you. Do you understand?”

“Hi, you OK?”

“Of course I’m OK. I love you. I don’t want to scare you away, but I love you.”

“I’m in the middle of a meeting. Can I call you later?”

“What time?”

“4.25. Is that OK? Waverly, are you OK?”

“Yes. I love you. 4.25, I’ll be waiting.”

The time approached. Waverly put down her paintbrush, staring at her phone on the small table beside her easel. One minute to go. She prayed Nicole would ring. 4.25 flashed on her phone. 4.26. 4.27. Her heart broke. Every emotion about being left, about being ghosted flooding back. Her phone rang. It was Nicole. “Hi, last guy wouldn’t stop talking. You OK?”

“I’m an emotional wreck right now. How are you doing?”

“Great. Feel a weight’s been lifted. You fancy another trip to the climbing gym?”

“Sure. No, actually I don’t. You know what I want right now?”

“I thought you liked climbing.”

“I do. Can you come over and hold me?”

“Are you sure? We’re not supposed to, until…”

“Nicole. Yes, or no?”

“Give me forty minutes to finish up here.”

Waverly went downstairs. No customers, Michelle sitting behind the counter, lazily flicking through a glassware catalogue. She looked up as Waverly reached the foot of the stairs, knowing the look on her daughter’s face. “Is she worth all this? Darling, there are so many more suitable people for you. Does it have to be her?”

“She’s coming over. I need her. She’s screwed up, but I can’t let go.”

“That’s not how love works my darling. Look at me and your father.”

“This is different. I think, I hope it will work this time. It’s got to work.”

Waverly strolled along the High Street to her house. Her phone buzzed. Chrissy wanted to know if she was up for their usual drink. She declined, entering the house, sitting in the kitchen, waiting. A knock on the front door told her someone was outside. 

Opening it, she half expected it not to be Nicole. She stood there, a pizza box in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other. “Not the Seine, but this is the best I could do.”

Waverly broke down. She no longer had control over her emotions. She no longer could be calm and measured against the barrage of feelings she had about everything that had happened. Was happening. Nicole stood watching Waverly melt down, not knowing what to do.

“I can go if you like. Not a good a time.”

“Fucking feel something for me. For once.”

“I do. Waverly I do. What do I do? Show me what to do?”

“I’m hurting Nicole. You hurt me and my heart. I want you to never hurt me again. Never. You hear.”

“I hear. What do I do?”

Waverly took her hand, leading her upstairs, closing the door on the world. She lay on the bed, Nicole still holding the pizza and wine. Realising they no longer were necessary, she placed them on Waverly’s dressing table, taking her shoes off, her sweatshirt, lying down beside Waverly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alexithymia = Individuals with this condition are usually aware of their emotional arousal. However, they have difficulty differentiating their own emotions and verbalizing them. Also makes it difficult for people to identify and respond to emotions in others.


	15. Let's get naked ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do after you've climbed a wall...

Dan was out with Nigel. Nicole entered the house, the lights in the hall coming on automatically, pulling Waverly inside by the hand. “Fancy something to eat?”

“But of course. Wait, you meant food didn’t you?”

Nicole looked at Waverly, confused by her response. “I can make us pasta.”

“Do you want pasta?”

“Climbing always makes me hungry.”

“Fine, let’s have pasta. Although, I’m hungry for something else.”

“You don’t want pasta?”

“Nicole, pasta is fine. We can have pasta.”

“Unless you want me to have sex with you.”

Waverly let out a frustrated sigh. “Can I have both?”

“So you do want pasta?”

Waverly took Nicole’s hand. “Fuck it. Pasta can wait. I can’t.”

Nicole switched on the light in her bedroom, closing the blinds, watching as Waverly climbed on the bed. She really was hungry, but Waverly wanted something else. She sat on the edge looking at her. “Can I get you water?”

“You OK? You’re not as relaxed as you were.”

“I’m fine. Just need water.”

Nicole went to the kitchen, pulling open the fridge door, looking for something to eat. She stood devouring several slices of cheese, two tomatoes and was about to start on a large tub of hummus when Waverly’s voice made her jump. “What are you doing?”

“I was hungry,” Nicole replied, holding out the tub in her hand. “Want some?”

“You only had to say.”

Nicole stared at her. “I did. So, you want pasta?”

Waverly couldn’t stop laughing. Regaining her composure she wrapped her arms round Nicole’s waist gazing up into brown innocent eyes. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. Yes, let’s have pasta. Lots of pasta.”

Nicole’s body relaxed. “I really like your laugh.”

They sat eating, enjoying each other’s company, discussing Robin’s not so subtle flirting with Nicole. She had not picked up on it, Waverly having to explain how he had been hitting on her. Their discussions eventually turned to Shae. Nicole told her how she got into climbing at Princeton, looking to join clubs, take part in activities that were new to her. She wanted the challenge, the ability to conquer what looked impossible. It was where she met Shae, her description of their first meeting matter of fact, Waverly assuming that was how Nicole operated. Cool and sophisticated. Drawing in the curious, enticing those interested like moths to a flame. 

“What did you like about Shae?”

“Best climber in the group. Taught me most of the moves I know. She’d been climbing for years. Guess I wanted to be like her. Do what she did.”

“You wanted to be a doctor?”

“God no. All that blood. Have no idea how she does that. She would show me all these medical photos online, threw up in her bathroom after seeing one.”

“Don’t think I could be a doctor either. Fantastic those who do. Always knew I would be an artist of some kind. Tried drama, dance, but it all came down to holding a paintbrush in my hand.”

“I get that. I get what art is.”

“I cry sometimes when painting. Do you ever get emotional with your art?”

Nicole looked at her. “I guess so. Do you want to have sex now?”

“Sure. Why not. Can’t fit any more pasta in. Look, we don’t have to. I may be super horny right now, wanting to rip all your clothes off, but I’m also happy lying next to you and cuddling. In fact, I’d love to do that.”

Nicole beamed, taking Waverly’s hand, leading her back to the bedroom. They lay together with the lights off, Nicole stroking her hair, telling her how pretty she looked. Waverly needed the bathroom, hopping off the bed, closing the door to the ensuite, pulling out her phone. She sent a text to Chrissy.

Waverly: Hi, you still up?

Chrissy: Asleep. Why?

Waverly: I’m at Dan’s. 

Chrissy: Woohoo…have fun. Night.

Waverly: Only, she’s not exactly Miss Passionate.

Chrissy: Boo. You need alcohol. Or YouTube to get her in the mood.

Waverly: Do you think she’s not into me?

Chrissy: No idea. Where are you?

Waverly: Nicole’s bathroom. 

Chrissy: OK. Continue. 

Waverly: I think she’s still into her ex.

Chrissy: Could be. But you there. Ex not there. Do what a girl gotta do.

Waverly: Why can’t I date you? You’re easier to work out.

Chrissy: I know. Now go do. I need my beauty sleep. Huggles. Will send you my therapy bill in the morning…luv ya…

Waverly returned to the bedroom, Nicole had removed her clothes and was now lying on top of the bed wearing only a night vest and shorts. Interesting, she thought, trying to work out if this was Nicole’s way of saying she was ready for more than just cuddling. She started to undress, Nicole watching her intently, each item discarded making a small pile on the floor. As she went to remove her bra Nicole stopped her, her voice low and husky. “No. I want to do that.”

The command sent a shiver through Waverly’s body, her hands moving away from the clasp, climbing onto the bed, kneeling. “I like forceful Nicole. Can she come out to play?”

Nicole sat up, feeding her hands round Waverly’s back, releasing the clasp, letting the item fall. Her hands cupped Waverly, her movements clinical, mechanical, disappointing, devoid of any sensuality, as if she was merely repeating what had been learnt elsewhere without bothering to understand the person she now was with. Waverly stopped her. “Nicole, feel me, close your eyes and feel me.”

Nicole closed her eyes, letting her other senses take over. Waverly suddenly came alive against her finger tips. Skin on skin. Soft, silky, smooth skin. The change in the rhythm of her movements created a more natural connection, all urgency to get the act over with vanished. In its place a new desire, one of slow exploration, taking her time to map out this unfamiliar territory, taking her time to discover every inch of the beautiful curves and contours of this perfect body before her through the lightest of touches. 

She could hear Waverly’s breathing, faster than normal. She could feel how her body was now responding. Her smell intoxicating, a mixture of subtle perfume and heavenly body spray. Candy floss. Hints of sugar. Coconut shampoo, or conditioner, she couldn’t decide which. Edible. Perfectly edible. 

Her eyes opened momentarily, searching for Waverly’s mouth, needing her taste, moving nearer until she was close enough to feel Waverly’s breath on her face. Her tongue reached out, hungry for more connection, running it delicately across Waverly’s lower lip, caressing her, then entering, withdrawing, waiting for Waverly to follow her lead. 

Waverly responded perfectly, her movements matching Nicole’s, learning quickly how her new lover wanted to dance on her lips, guide her in how she wanted to make love. This exotic creature. This mysterious creature, so hard to decipher. Lead and she would follow. Anywhere she chose to go. Their kissing became seamless, their breaths merging, air flowing between them.

I’m breathing her in, Nicole thought, as she felt Waverly’s breath against her lips. The intensity of the moment made her open her eyes once more, draw back a little, just enough to focus on Waverly’s face, the angle of her jaw, the shape of her nose, the deepest of green eyes seeping into her soul. 

Her thirst was rising, an insatiable need for it to be quenched, knowing what she wanted, like a drink of ice cold water after a hot, hard climb. Her hand pushed Waverly back, her head hitting the pillow, an audible gasp in response to the sudden action. Nicole knelt before her, her hand on top of the last item she was wearing, fingers tracing the lace edge across her lower abdomen. Her hands tugged at the garment, wanting it removed, peeling it away to reveal everything. Hands stroked Waverly’s thighs, caressing them open, her body responding perfectly.

Nicole lowered her head, her lips kissing a path down her stomach, feeling the movement of her breathing, seeing the sheen of sweat forming over her body. A small cry as she nipped the skin on her pelvic bone, her hands now on either thigh, holding back, waiting to be invited, tongue poised.

And she waited, sensing Waverly wanted her, knowing the satisfaction of having someone beg her to continue. “Nicole, please.”

It was all she needed to hear. Her tongue took over, Waverly’s cry telling her she held all the power now. Nicole lifted her head, breaking contact with silky softness. “You want me inside, don't you.”

“Yes. Yes,” Waverly cried out.

She sought entry, the deep moan in response sending her into emotional overload. Her mind began racing, knowing she needed to control her actions, her breathing, her thoughts. Not too fast. Slow, slow. Take your time, she thought. No need to rush. It was too late. Her movements became faster. 

Thoughts flooded her of how perfect Waverly looked, how perfect her body looked, everything about her perfect. Youthful, flawless. Flawless skin, flawless features, perfection bucking her hips beneath her. She felt Waverly’s body shaking, needing release, needing to experience the surge of energy. Her mind had already zoned out, overwhelmed, the intensity of the moment too much. Her voice distant now, far away. Words leaving her without any conscious thought behind them. “I’m yours.”

Waverly let out a long cry, tears filling her eyes, a delicious heat flooding across her, out to her hips, her legs, her heart, her throat.

The sound of Waverly’s voice brought her back into the room. “Oh my God, oh my God, you’re good. So good. That was…”

She pulled herself alongside Waverly, holding her close, listening to her profess her love for her. All she wanted to do was sleep. She closed her eyes, letting the world drift away.


	16. One way ticket ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole's way of dealing with stress needs some work...

They spent the night locked in each other’s arms. Waverly alternated between crying and stroking Nicole’s face, Nicole doing her best to comfort her, still unsure how to exactly. She could see Waverly was upset, but had no response to that emotion. All she could feel was a tightness in her stomach and across her shoulders. Jill had told her to be aware of any physical symptoms she was experiencing. These would be her signals to let her know her emotions were in play.

Wynonna dropped Alice off at the nursery, heading to the shop. She helped out a few days a week, partly to give her a break from doing nothing, partly to say she was doing something if Doc ever questioned her tendency to do nothing all day. She considered the gym, facials, getting her hair trimmed, hanging out with equally bored friends a heavy enough to do list without having to work somewhere full-time listening to annoying co-workers. Plus, she was a mother. 

Michelle was in the back room framing a print when she breezed in. “You know, I’m beginning to wonder which side of the family Alice takes after.”

“Nicole is at the house with Waverly. Before you go storming in, she seems pretty intent on making a go of it again. I’m worried, Wyn, I don’t trust her.”

Before Michelle could utter another word Wynonna was out the shop, running towards the house, letting herself in. Waverly heard her pounding up the stairs, hammering on the door. “Haught, get your fucking hands off my sister now.”

The pair stared at the door. Waverly knew Wynonna when furious would do anything her mind was set on. “Wyn, it’s OK. Really, I want this.”

She heard the foot slam into her door. “I’ll fucking break it down if you don’t open it Waverly.”

“Wyn, no. This is my choice. Leave us. Please.”

Another thud. The wood around the lock splintered. “You’re dead Haught. Do you hear me? You are not doing this to her. I’m not letting you destroy her again.”

Waverly could see the fear in Nicole’s eyes. “It’s OK. She’s mad that’s all. Let me open the door? I’ll talk to her.”

“I need to go. Maybe this wasn’t a great idea.”

“Wait. We need to face this, together. We need to talk this through. God, why does everything have to be so messed up with you?”

Nicole was already dressing as fast as she could. She opened the window to Waverly’s bedroom, looking back one last time, climbing out, scaling the wall. She was gone by the time Wynonna had kicked in Waverly’s door, ready to strangle her.

“Where the fuck is she? Waves, where is she?”

“Window. You could have waited for me to unlock it. Mum’s going to do her nut when she sees what you’ve done.”

“I don’t fucking care. You might be all loved up again with Miss Runaway, but if I catch her she’s dead. Do you hear me? ”

“Wyn, this isn’t your fight. She has alexithymia. She can’t read emotions like us.”

“She’ll have asphyxia when I get my hands on her. And, what’s this alexi rubbish? That’s fucking made up for a start. Waves you’re being played again. Trust me.”

“It’s different. Wyn, believe me. My therapist explained everything. She’s changed.”

“Right. So where is your lover?”

Waverly snapped back to reality. “That’s not fair. You chased her away.”

“Rest my case. Waverly. Rest my case. She’s fucking run off again. Hasn’t she?”

It was all too much for Waverly. The tears came, Wynonna consoling her, realising her anger at Nicole was clouding her compassion for her baby sister. “Shush, Waves, I’m sorry,” Wynonna soothed, sitting on the bed, holding her. “I was only going to rip her arms and legs off. Maybe her head. You don’t need someone like that in your life. Whatever hold she has on you, you’re worth so much more.”

“Probably won’t ever see her again after this.”

“Waves, Doc and I have had some heated moments. Never seen him jump out of a window. You need someone who can stay in the same room, fuck it the same country even.”

“Why is this so hard? I need to call her. Find out where we stand.”

“No you fucking don’t. Whatever hold she has over you, you can’t carry this relationship for her to jump out of a window when things get too much.”

Nicole was sitting in her car, shaking, fingers fumbling as she tried to reach Jill. 

“I’m about to start a session with a client. Can I call you back?”

“Sure. Wynonna tried to kill me.”

“Nicole, can you wait one hour. I’ll call you back. Can you wait?”

“I can wait.”

Nicole dialled Reservations for American Airlines. “I need a flight to JFK. Earliest available.”

“We have one out 16.05 from Heathrow today, would you like me to go ahead with the booking?”

“Yes.”

Jill phoned as soon as she could. It went to voicemail. She called again fifteen minutes later. No reply. She called Dan. “Hi, sorry, I wouldn’t normally get you involved, but I think Nicole’s having another episode. Have you spoken to her?”

“No, why? Nigel’s at home. I’m in Paris. Is she OK?”

“I think she’s had an altercation with Waverly’s sister. My gut feeling is she’ll try to run. If she chooses to go that must be her decision. But, she’s doing so well in therapy.”

“I understand. Leave it to me. I’ll let you know what’s happening. Jill, thank you.”

“Let me know if you need me.”

Dan phoned Nigel. Nicole was using a credit card Dan had given her, the flight payment showing up online, both realising what she was about to do. Nigel waited until Nicole entered the house, going to her room, hurriedly throwing things in a bag, ready to escape once more. He phoned Dan. “She’s going now, do you want me to stop her.”

“No. Call Waverly and Jill. Tell them she’s running again. I’ll catch a flight to Heathrow. Can you meet us there?”

“What if she just needs to go? My heart breaks for her, but what if she was never meant to be caged?”

“My love, you and I both know Waverly would never imprison our Nicole. She’s special that’s all. Needs to be loved differently. My screwed up brother and his wife had the most perfect child imaginable and did this to her.”

“Dan, don’t. I’m too emotional right now. OK, we do this for Nicole. If you think it’s best.”

Nigel let Nicole leave. He decided it would be better to call Michelle rather than burden Waverly.

“Hi, Michelle it’s Nigel, you free to talk?”

“Really not a good time. Listen, whatever Nicole is up to can you please, please tell her to back off. Waverly’s distraught. I’m near breaking point, and Wynonna’s ready to kill someone.”

“I’m so, so sorry. Nicole is not the easiest. She’s running again. Something’s spooked her. We can let her go, or we bring her home. Dan’s flying in from Paris to be there for her.”

“This is not Waverly’s problem. She doesn’t need this Nigel.”

“I know. But, I think if she was there. It would show Nicole running isn’t the solution. I’ll leave it with you. You know, I really miss you.”

Michelle was in two minds whether to tell Waverly. Knowing Nicole had decided to do this, she secretly wanted her to run so she would not be around to hurt Waverly anymore. Yet, the thought of keeping this from Waverly, if she ever found out, made her go to her daughter. 

Waverly had called Nicole multiple times, all going to voicemail. She sent texts, none replied. She was beside herself, knowing in her heart Nicole had gone again. Michelle entered her bedroom, shaking her head at the damage to the door. “My darling, I’ve just spoken with Nigel. Nicole’s heading to Heathrow. Dan’s flying in from Paris to try to stop her. They’ve asked if we’ll go. I’ll go with you if you want me to.”

Waverly sat on the edge of her bed, her heart breaking, knowing this was what she feared most in taking Nicole back. “I have to let her go. I have to let her go. I can’t do this anymore. My whole life will end up me waiting for her to do this. Every time we argue, I’ll be looking at her thinking is she going to stay, or disappear on me? I can’t live like that.”

“I know. You’re right. You can’t live like this. The stress would make you ill. I’ll tell Nigel we’re not going.”

Waverly wanted the world to go away. She couldn’t even lock her door after Wynonna’s rescue bid. She lay down, head under her pillow, sobbing. Her phone rang, Chrissy wanted to know if she was around for lunch. As soon as she heard Waverly, she ran to the bathroom in work, locking herself in one of the stalls. “Waves, calm down. What’s happened?”

“She’s gone. She’s catching a flight to New York. I can’t. I’m done.”

“The bitch. The absolute. She promised me she wouldn’t. Oh, Waves, I’m so, so sorry. I’ll come over lunchtime. You need your people around you right now. Sweetie, we all love you. Stay strong.”

Nicole sat in traffic, the motorway busier than usual. She felt unusually calm, despite the intense pain in her stomach. The junction for Heathrow was approaching. She indicated to leave the motorway, driving towards the long stay car parks, finding a space, removing her bag from the boot. 

As she walked towards the entrance to the airport her body froze, suddenly realising what she was doing. She stood shaking in the middle of the car park, a car horn bringing her to her senses. She looked at her bag, the car keys in her hand, knowing she was about to run from everything she wanted in her life.

The same car horn. A man waving his fist at her. She had to get back to Waverly. The alarm on her car went off as she entered, a cacophony of noise and chaos, all her own making. She gripped the steering wheel, holding on for dear life, beads of sweat forming on her brow. “Breathe, breathe,” she repeated. “This will pass.” Her phone rang. She had left it on the passenger seat of the car. It was Dan.

She managed to prise one hand from the wheel. “Nicole where are you?”

“I love her Dan.”

“I know you do. Where are you?”

“Heathrow. Car park. Having a panic attack.”

“Nigel is on his way. Stay where you are.”

“I need to get to Waverly. Just need a moment.”

“Nicole, don’t drive. Let Nigel bring you home. We’ll sort your car out later.”

“I’m going to be sick. Dan I’ve got to go.”

By the time Nigel called to find out where she was parked her panic attack had eased. The breathing exercises she had been taught were helping, her mind still in a fog. Her stomach ached. She called Jill on the way back to Beaulieu, telling her what happened in Waverly’s room, how Wynonna’s rage had caused her to overreact. How Waverly’s emotions had confused her, unnerved her, had set in motion the chain of events leading her to take flight. How she had been on autopilot until she reached the airport. Jill reassured her she was now taking back control of her life. That she was able to see the pattern of behaviour and decide whether to act differently.

Nicole saw all the messages from Waverly. She called. Chrissy answered the phone. “You promised. She’s too good for you.”

“Chrissy please, let me speak to her. I need to speak to her. I’m coming home. I’m not leaving. Please, give Waverly the phone.”

“And have you hurt her again. She’s better off without you.”

“Just let me speak to her. I promise this is the last time this ever happens. Please Chrissy.”

Chrissy handed Waverly the phone. “I’m done Nicole. I can’t live like this. It’s killing me.”

“I’m coming back. I got to the airport. I honestly was going to go. And, I couldn’t. I stopped myself. I stopped myself. Because of you. I can’t leave you. Please. You’re all I have.”

“Why didn’t you answer my calls? Or, messages. I’ve been worried sick.”

“I’m sorry. Dan’s flying back from Paris. Nigel’s bringing me home. And, you’re upset with me. I can’t keep messing everyone’s lives up. Marry me, Waverly, marry me.”

“What? That’s not how it works Nicole. You can’t do what you’re doing to me and then ask that.”

“I’ll come to yours. We can talk. Don’t go anywhere.”

“That’s your territory.”

She hung up, Chrissy looking at her, knowing she had to get back to work, knowing her friend needed someone to stay with her. She called Jeremy. His car pulled up as Chrissy was leaving Michelle’s house. He had stopped off at the supermarket for emotional support food, Chrissy hugging him, telling him to stay with her till she got out of work. The pair sat watching a comedy, munching through the provisions, Waverly drinking red wine. 

It was early evening. Michelle was in the shop putting out a few new pieces, Wynonna was home with Alice. The lights of a car shone in through the lounge window. Waverly had fallen asleep, Jeremy rubbing her leg occasionally, trying not to laugh too loudly at the jokes in Ghostbusters. The hammering on the door made her wake with a start. Jeremy paused the film, looking at the door, looking at Waverly.

He went to the window. “It’s Nicole. Do you want me to let her in?”

Waverly looked out, Nicole had her hands together begging to let her in. She knew she had to get this over with. Opening the door, Nicole grabbed her hand, pulling her out, Waverly resisting. “Nicole, no.”

Jeremy stood wondering what to do, watching the scene unfold before him. He could see Nicole was on a mission, Waverly not wanting to go wherever Nicole was taking her. He grabbed Waverly’s other arm pulling her back inside the house. It took Waverly shouting ‘stop’ for both to let go. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Not ever.”

“I can’t do this without you.”

“Do you have any idea how worried I was?”

“No. That’s the problem. But, I’m working on it. I’m here aren’t I?”

“Stop. Just stop. You’re expecting me to say well done after what you did, after what you nearly did again. I’ve a good mind to let Wynonna strangle you.”

“She can. I deserve it. Come back with me? Nigel’s waiting.”

“No. This has to stop. I can’t do this anymore.”

“I’m not leaving. Either you come with me, or I sit outside your door waiting for Wynonna to rip me to pieces.”

“Don’t you dare put this on me. Don’t you dare. Fine, sit outside. Hope it rains. And, I’m ringing Wynonna.”

Nicole sat on the doorstep. “I’m not going.”

Waverly threw her hands up. “Alright, come in. The neighbours are looking. God, why? All I want is a peaceful life.”

Nicole entered, Jeremy standing back just in case he needed to grab Waverly again. Waverly slumped on the couch, pouring more wine for herself, taking a large swig. “I just want normal. Is that too much to ask?”

Nicole sat beside her, her hand reaching out, touching Waverly’s back. “I’m doing my best. I can’t promise normal. All I can promise is I’ll keep working with Jill to make things less fucked up.”

"Just one call Nicole. Just one. Do you know how hard it is for me to trust you right now?”

“I get it. I’m sorry. Please come back with me? I need you. My heart aches. Well, my stomach mostly.”

Waverly stared at her, believing her, desperately not wanting to. She put down her wine, looking at Jeremy, returning her gaze to Nicole. “I want to slap you so hard right now. Don’t ever do this again to me, you hear.”


	17. Who's your tribe ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The learning curve of love begins for Nicole...

Waverly stayed for breakfast. Nigel made scrambled tofu on rye bread having gone vegan after a lengthy conversation with Nicole’s new love interest some years earlier. He adored Waverly, as did Dan, her incredible talent as an artist, her easy way with people, her ability to take life as it came. 

Wynonna was fun. Waverly was family.

Nicole tucked into a bacon sandwich, quieter than usual, Dan looking over occasionally, winking when Waverly wasn’t looking. Nicole was feeling extremely self-conscious. Having her new relationship out on full display made her edgy. She needed to get out, do something else.

Waverly was talking to her. “Are you doing anything later? I need to finish off a painting if you want to come watch.”

“I…I’ve got a few things to do. I’ll drop you home.”

“OK. Chrissy probably wants drinks after work. Monty’s.”

“Great. Listen, I need to get a few things from my room. Be right back.”

She left the breakfast party, heading to her room, lying on the bed, wondering why she had let herself be dragged into having sex with Waverly so soon, not realising her behaviour had had everything to do with it. 

She had waited over a year before jumping into bed with Shae. Partly because neither had been ready, also Shae’s strict upbringing meant she wasn’t into bed hopping as she called it. Like Nicole, she had had very few partners, none of which she had introduced to her parents for fear of being cut off from the family’s wealth. She kept her sexuality hidden. She never mentioned her relationship with Nicole to them. Shame.

Dan was eager to talk to Waverly, using Nicole’s disappearing act to ask if everything was OK. “She’s one of a kind our Nicole. I’m glad you two are finally together. I said Nigel, didn’t I, if there was one person right for her it would be you.”

“Early days. I know she’s getting over Shae. I don’t want to rush this.”

“I’d be the first to say Shae wasn’t right for her. We all saw the light go out in Nicole. She closed down. She had so much promise as an artist, but when she left Princeton it was like she was a different person.”

“Did you ever meet Shae?”

“Never. Seen photos on Nicole’s Instagram. Into climbing. Ranked fourth in the States. I think Nicole looked up to her. Let her show her the way.”

Nigel was giggling. “Looked up to her as a rock climber.”

Dan got the joke, laughing, Waverly watching two grown men acting like silly teenagers. She adored their easy style, their way of being together despite Dan’s disability. She wondered where Nicole was, a half a bacon sandwich left on her plate. She entered the bedroom, Nicole lying on the bed, her phone out, texting someone. “I can get a cab if you’re busy.”

“No, I’ll give you a lift. Just needed to reply to a few messages. You ready to go?”

“If you are. Listen, Nicole, about last night. It was amazing. But, if you want to take things slow I don’t mind. No pressure.”

Nicole hopped off the bed, approaching, taking Waverly in her arms, kissing her. Waverly was at a loss. She no longer knew if Nicole wanted her, didn’t want her, was playing games. The journey back to her house was silent, she looking out the window, Nicole tapping the steering wheel with her thumb. She went to give Nicole a kiss, managing to just catch her lips, the distinct feeling her presence was no longer required.

She showered, changed, dried her hair, walked the short distance to Michelle’s shop. Her mother was in the back as she entered, popping her head out thinking she had a customer. “And, where were you last night?”

“Nicole’s.”

“So, you two are an item then?”

“Not really. Can’t work her out. I’ll be upstairs.”

She headed to her studio, taking off her sweatshirt, sitting on her stool, staring at her latest work. It lacked something. Passion. The colours were too dull. Not her best work. Squeezing a tube of electric yellow onto her tray, she began to bring the painting to life all the while wondering how she could do the same with her relationship with Nicole. Nicole, sex on legs. 

Her phone buzzed. “So, how was Miss America?” Chrissy asked.

Waverly called her best friend. “So, she’s great in bed. I mean really great. But…”

“Oh no, there’s a but. Tell aunt Chrissy.”

“Honestly think she’s not over her ex. She’s all in the moment, then gone, as if I’m a nuisance. Really fucking annoying. And, insulting if I’m being honest.”

“You ever think she might be using Shae to get you? Just a thought, but that guy I was dating, you remember, the one from the accounts department, kept mentioning his ex-girlfriend, like he had choices. Turns out he’d only dated her a few times. Nothing serious.”

“I don’t know. One minute she’s Miss Cool, next she’s Miss Intense. And, I mean intense with a capital Sex. Rosita was full on intense sometimes, but Nicole is in a different league.”

“My advice would be back off, let her do the running, or climbing, whatever she’s into.”

“Right. She’s fucking hard work that’s for sure. Drinks? Need a powwow. Can you gather the troops? Need Jeremy, if he’s around. And, Lucy, she’s good at these things. And, Champ if he’ll behave himself around Lucy.”

“Consider it done. Have you made your mind up about going to the Eden festival? I can share a tent with you if Miss America bails.”

“Crap, I’d forgotten. Definitely, put me down. And, I’m with you. Fuck Miss America.”

“That’s more your territory. Monty’s 6ish, depending on the others.”

Nicole hadn’t made contact all day. No calls, no voicemails, no texts. Waverly was beginning to chalk up their night together to experience. She now knew Nicole was good in bed, very, very good, dominant when she needed to be, a powerhouse of eroticism Waverly craved. But, Waverly was nothing if not sensible. She promised herself not to lose her head to this exotic creature. This mysterious creature who kept her dangling. Her phone buzzed.

Nicole: What are you wearing?

Waverly: Nothing.

Nicole: Put on your dungarees.

Waverly: I don’t do orders.

Nicole: You did last night.

Waverly: That was last night. 

Nicole: Do it for me.

Nicole waited for Waverly’s response. She wanted her again. Her mood had changed, no longer stressed by their first time together at Dan’s, she wanted to feel skin on skin, breath on breath. She had learnt with Shae that being dominant sometimes got her what she wanted. And, she wanted.

Nicole: YES OR NO

Waverly: No. ALL CAPS is really childish. I don’t do kids…

Nicole didn’t know what to do. She wanted Waverly and she was resisting.

Nicole: where are you?

Waverly: Wouldn’t you like to know…

There was only one place Waverly would be. Monty’s. She set off in her car, determined to have Waverly again. 

She pulled up in the car park, watching Waverly’s friends enter Monty’s. She knew Waverly was inside enjoying their company. Suddenly, she felt very alone, struggling with a loneliness that had been there since childhood. Knowing she had never found her tribe as Waverly had. 

She had spent the better half of her life fixated on how unfair it was others were born into healthy and loving families. That some had an easier time making friends and enjoying relationships, simply because they had been taught how to when young. Those lucky people, like Waverly, never having to question whether or not they were lovable. They knew they were. With their loving circle of support, knowing they had a stable family to lean on.

Having fled a dysfunctional home, sterile of emotions, Shae became her family. As she hers. Their only family. Each taking care of the other, each realising they needed to heal, neither knowing how. They clung to each other like abandoned souls, trusting the other would keep them safe. Both intelligent, both supremely talented, their upbringing had left them bereft of love. Growing up in dysfunctional families, they wound up spending most of their time and energy trying to make other people care. It never worked. Not for long. Nicole would befriend someone only to find she, or he, simply wanted to use her in school for better grades. 

She was used to friends treating her like garbage. Why would Waverly be any different, she thought. She rang her number. Waverly answered. “Hey, where are you?”

“Outside. If you want to be with your friends I understand.”

“I’m coming out. Chrissy’s ordered shots. It’s going to get messy. I see you. Can you see me waving?”

“Yes. Are you sure? I can go?”

“Nicole. You’re one of us now. Better get used to being drunk.”

A long kiss in the car park, Waverly led Nicole by the hand into Monty’s, ordering more drinks. At first Nicole tried to act cool, but sitting next to Chrissy her act quickly was demolished as they got into a shot drinking competition. Waverly looked on, enjoying Nicole becoming more relaxed within her tribe. Her friends. There for her through thick or thin, as she would be for them. Her extended family. 

Nicole was in no shape to drive as they left Monty’s, Waverly taking her hand, walking her up the high street towards her house. “You know, Nicole Haught, you’re changing my life.”

“Do you love me?” Nicole asked. Her words slurred, her mouth no longer working properly after the number of vodka shots she’d consumed.

“We’ll see,” Waverly already knowing the answer in her heart.


	18. What's to love ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole is loved, if only she had someone to show her...

Waverly phoned her mother. “I’m going back to Dan’s.”

“Darling, are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Don’t tell Wynonna, it will only cause problems.”

“I won’t. My darling, I don’t want you suffering for this relationship. Do you hear?”

“I hear. I’m sorry about all this. I’ll pay for the repairs on my door.”

“Don’t be silly. I’ll make Wynonna pay. No, it’s fine. Just don’t let Nicole break your heart again. Promise.”

“Promise. Love you.”

“Love you too, my darling.”

Waverly packed a few things in a bag, not quite sure whether she was doing the right thing. Jeremy sat on her bed munching carrot sticks, also not quite sure how to advise one of his closest friends. Eventually, he found his voice. “Waves, you and I go way back. I keep thinking Nicole’s a black hole, sucking everything and everyone in around her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great, but…”

“Jez, I know everyone’s worried right now. Fuck, I’m worried right now. It’s fine. Really. Please don’t worry about me, and thank you. Having you here today means the world.”

“Can I give you one piece of advice? Whatever is going on in Nicole’s mind she has to be the one to sort herself out. You can’t do that. You can’t take on that responsibility.”

Waverly hugged her best friend. “I know. I just wish…”

Jeremy watched as Waverly walked out of Michelle’s house with Nicole, getting into Nigel’s car, driving off. He was in the process of tidying up the lounge when Michelle entered. He could see she had been crying. He immediately went over, hugging her, telling her things would be alright. She nodded, not entirely convinced, inviting him to stay for dinner. He accepted, sensing she needed company, sensing she needed someone to offload her worries on about Waverly. 

Nigel’s car swept up the driveway, Waverly looking at the house which had held so many good memories, a light and airy place where she had had so many fun times as a teenager. The water fights in the pool, cinema days eating too much popcorn. Its walls now appeared to have a darker hue, a heaviness, a sadness. Such a beautiful building, she thought, for the first time noticing the salty stains crying out of the brickwork, leaving white streaks. Nicole studied her face. “Waves, I’ll make this right. I promise.”

Waverly squeezed her hand, she no longer had any words in response. She wanted a normal life back, not one of constant anxiety. Her nerves were raw, she wondered if she would ever be calm enough, quiet enough in her own heart and mind, to ever paint again and there was Nicole promising to make things right, when she was the person who had made everything wrong in her life. Nigel dropped them off at the front door. Nicole entered, waiting for Waverly to follow. She stood, momentarily, knowing the action of stepping over the threshold was telling Nicole she accepted what she had done. 

She turned, heading towards the garage, looking for Nigel. She wanted to go home. She found him still in the car talking to Dan on speakerphone. As soon as he saw her he knew he should not have brought her back. He ended his call. “I’ll take you to Michelle’s. Waverly, it’s fine. It’s too soon. For everyone.”

“I’m sorry. What do I do? She’s inside me and all I want to do is tear my own heart out to stop the pain she’s causing me.”

Nicole had followed, hearing what Waverly said. “Maybe I should have got that plane.”

“Stop. Nicole, please just stop. I can’t love you if this is what I’ll have to face. I can’t be strong for both of us. I can’t. I’m barely holding it together right now. And, you saying stuff like that is not helping.”

“But, you don’t want me.”

“No. Nicole, I want you. I don’t want all the shit that comes with wanting you.”

“But, you said you want to rip your heart out.”

Waverly’s voice hit rage level. “Because I fucking love you.”

“Nicole let me take Waverly home,” Nigel offered. “Dan’s on his way and Jill said she’ll drop by.”

Nicole approached Waverly, desperate for her to stay. Selfishly wanting her, without recognising her need to go. “I love you too. Can you at least stay till Dan gets here?”

Waverly looked at Nigel. “Only if you want to stay. Waverly, if you want to go, I’ll take you.”

She shook her head, walking back towards the house.

Jill arrived before Dan, traffic on the motorway having delayed him. They went to Dan’s office, Jill letting the pair settle, observing how they interacted with each other. “So, who wants to start?”

Both were silent, Waverly playing with the edge of her shirt, Nicole looking at the titles of books on Dan’s shelves. “OK, Waverly tell me what’s happening with you right now.”

“I’m tired. I’m confused. I’m sad. I don’t know where I stand in this relationship. I’m scared for the future.”

Nicole was looking at her. “How can you have that many emotions?”

“Nicole,” Jill interrupted. “Waverly was speaking. You will have a turn afterwards. Waverly continue."

“I thought we were getting somewhere. And, then Wynonna breaks down my door, Nicole jumps out a window, books a flight home, doesn’t answer my calls, or texts. I knew this would happen. I just knew.”

Jill turned to Nicole. “Nicole what are you feeling right now, listening to what Waverly has said?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t get on the flight. I’m here.”

“We know, but what are you feeling?”

“I have a pain across my shoulders and I think I’m getting a headache.”

“What does that tell you?” Jill pressed. “What do those physical signals tell you?”

“That I fucked up.”

“Remember Nicole, no blame within the counselling session. What are your physical signs telling you?”

“That I’m blocking out negative emotions.”

“Are you able to connect with those emotions?”

“No. Why would I want to do that?”

“Negative emotions guide us as much as positive ones. We have talked about why you have suppressed such emotions. I wonder with Waverly here this might be a good time to begin to explore these emotions.”

Nicole became restless, Waverly looking over, seeing how distressed Nicole was. “Jill, it’s fine. I know Nicole has problems expressing emotions. It’s fine.”

“Waverly, that is for Nicole to decide. I understand you don’t want Nicole to suffer, and clearly she is suffering, but this is her opportunity to explore the feelings that have stopped her having a fulfilling relationship with those she seeks to be close to.”

Waverly turned to Nicole. “I can step out if you need to talk to Jill alone. I don’t mind.”

“I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I don’t understand how you could love me, when I don’t love any part of who I am. How? How can you look at me and tell me you love me, when all I’ve ever done is hurt you?”

The shocked look on Waverly’s face told Jill they were nearing a pivotal moment in their relationship. “Waverly, what do you feel hearing Nicole say this?”

“I…I had no idea. Nicole, I had no idea. My God, you’ve carried that. How could you think that about yourself? You’re amazing. You’re super smart, have a fantastic body, beautiful eyes and you’re really good at…”

Jill was smiling. “Continue. Nicole, can you hear what Waverly is saying?”

“That’s not me,” she replied. “That’s not what I was told.”

“Who told you differently?” Jill asked. “Who made you not believe in yourself?”

Nicole was silent, knowing precisely who had drummed it into her every single day of her young life she wasn’t wanted. That she had ruined her parent’s life. That if she hadn’t been born her mother would be free of the idiot she had married. Nicole had had to carry her mother’s lack of maternal interest in her own child all this time, forgiving her mother every single time she did something hurtful, until one day she no longer cared. No longer bothered to seek her approval. No longer needed any of the negative emotions she had felt about herself. She simply switched off that side of her life.

And, with no emotional support network to fall back on with her father it was the simplest, easiest way to deal with the hand life had played her. If her mother was callous, her father was cold-hearted, choosing to see the world only through his cynically blinkered eyes. For all their wealth, for all their advantages, they lacked rich hearts, emotionally blind to the beauty of the child they had brought into this world.

“Nicole, who told you differently?” Jill pressed.

Nicole’s voice was but a whisper. “My parents.”

“What did your parents do to make you feel worthless?”

“They didn’t want me. I screwed up their lives. I should never have been born.”

Tears were falling from Waverly’s eyes. “How could they think that? You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Nicole, how could anyone not love you?”

“Nicole, Waverly is asking you a question.”

Nicole couldn’t look at Waverly. “I fucked up their life. That’s what they told me.”

“But, you didn’t ask to be born,” Waverly replied, sobbing now, desperate to hug Nicole. “How could you ever be the cause of whatever they decided about you? Nicole, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say my parents made me think I was unlovable? You’re not. You’re more than lovable. Even when you jet off and marry someone else.”

Nicole looked up, tears in her own eyes. “I’m not lovable. I’m really not. I’ll keep hurting you. That’s not fair.”

Waverly got up, going over to Nicole, kneeling by her chair, taking both her hands. “I can’t heal you. I know that now, but I’ll stand beside you, whatever you have to go through. Nicole, look at me. I’m not your fucking parents OK. I love you. I’m here for you.”

Nicole looked into Waverly’s eyes. “I know.”

Jill knew there had been a major shift in their relationship. She hugged them both, saying a quick hello to Nigel and Dan, who had eventually made it home. Waverly no longer needed a lift back to Beaulieu. She would stay the night. Dan offered her one of the other bedrooms, she opting for the second one, Nicole staying with her for a while, both lying on the bed holding each other crying. 

Nicole went back to her own room shortly after midnight, only to return to Waverly’s room fifteen minutes later, stripping, getting into bed with her. The rest of the night was filled with the steamiest sex either had ever experienced.


	19. Just an option ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The question of children is raised...

Drunk sex ensued, Waverly alternating between passionate kisses and giggles. For whatever reason, making love after multiple vodka shots had this effect on her. At least she wasn’t crying. They eventually fell asleep, Nicole waking first, wondering where she was, her head reminding her she had consumed one too many drinks the night before.

Waverly’s phone rang. She was in no mood to answer it, guessing it was probably Wynonna looking to her to babysit Alice. Groaning, she placed a pillow over her head, letting it go to voicemail. Nicole needed headache pills. Remembering Waverly had them in a kitchen cupboard, she retrieved some of her clothes from the floor, making her way downstairs. Two pills in her hand she moved to the sink for water. Wynonna’s voice startled her. “Morning. Guessing you stayed given what you’re not wearing.”

Nicole put a hand to her head, Wynonna’s voice far too loud. “Too many shots. No match for Chrissy. Bit fragile.”

“Not even I can out-drink Chrissy,” Wynonna admitted. “Is Waverly upstairs? Need her to babysit Alice for a few hours.”

“She’s fragile too. Not sure she’ll be in a fit state.”

“Fuck. Need a plan B. Nicole, how are you with kids?”

“Not great. Never really worked them out.”

“I can give you a quick run through. Pretty simple really. Feed one end, make sure the other end is dry.”

“But…I need to be somewhere.”

“It’s only for a few hours. Owe you big time.”

“Fine. Where is she?”

“Outside in the car, along with all her stuff. She has a bigger bag than me.”

Alice was deposited on Nicole, Nicole completely bewildered by her new responsibility. She had no idea how to change a nappy, let alone feed an infant. Alice looked lovingly into her eyes. “It’s fine Alice, we’ll get through this. Shall we go check on Waverly?”

Waverly was still under the pillow when they entered, emerging only when she heard Alice’s babbling. “Babysitting with a hangover. Great.”

“I’ve got you some pills and water. I can look after Alice, I think. She’s kind of taken to me.”

Waverly peered out through bloodshot eyes. “She has. She’s normally fussy. Let me know if you need a hand. She likes me singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ to her. And, get dog-dog to do the actions, she’ll be in fits of giggles.”

“Like you last night. God, you’re funny when you’re drunk.”

“Sorry, can’t help it. Either crying or laughing. That’s me.”

Nicole returned downstairs, pulling out her phone to search for the song Waverly suggested. Finding it on YouTube, she started the video, retrieving Alice’s favourite toy from the bag Wynonna left, Alice mesmerised by the crazy dance actions Nicole performed with dog-dog. The video over, Nicole scrolled through other songs, selecting one she knew. As the video began Alice’s lower lip quivered, tears coming to her eyes. She let out a long wail. “No, no, Alice I’ll put the other one back on. Don’t cry. Dog-dog doesn’t want you to cry. Please Alice.”

Nicole was stressed. This was harder than she imagined. She played the first video, soothing Alice, she mesmerised once more by dog-dog dancing. Over and over the song played, Nicole realising why Wynonna was happy to leave Alice with whoever she could for a break. She walked upstairs again, Alice cradled in her arms, now knowing the entire lyrics. “I think she needs changing. She’s kind of smelly.”

Waverly prised herself off the pillow, still looking fragile. “If you get me her bag I’ll do it. Nothing like changing a nappy with a sore head, is there Alice-boo.”

“It’s actually fun playing with her,” Nicole said, as Waverly did the necessary. “Well, apart from this bit. Wow, that’s a lot out of one kid.”

Waverly laughed. “Indeed. OK, Alice all done. Let’s see what mama left you to eat.”

The three sat on the bed, Alice on Waverly’s knees, sucking a baby cracker, listening to Waverly and Nicole sing her favourite song. “This is really cosy,” Waverly said, making Alice do some of the actions with her free hand, “like one happy family.”

“Wouldn’t know,” Nicole replied, forgetting to keep dog-dog dancing. “Assumed most families were like mine.”

Alice stared at dog-dog, then Nicole, about to cry. “Sorry, Alice. Look, dog-dog dancing again. Look, dog-dog doing backflips.”

The infant squealed with delight. “Do you ever think about having kids?” Waverly asked.

“Never. I mean, don’t fancy having one. Kind of get how they work. You?”

“Maybe. One day perhaps. Quite happy looking after Alice for now, with her adorable eyes, like yours.”

Nicole broke into song again, Waverly watching as she made silly faces to make Alice laugh, kissing dog-dog, putting the toy to Alice’s lips to kiss. Her act was convincing, making it look as though this came naturally to her, all the while remembering how little her own mother played with her as a child. How she was told to sit in front of the television for hours while her mother entertained her rich friends with poker at the dining table. It was how she got into drawing, dyslexia rendering books useless and boring, her mother not bothering to find out why. 

If her mother was absent emotionally, her father was absent physically. Either working late, socialising, or playing golf with his executive friends. He had been having an affair with his secretary for years, extended business trips, weekends away. Nicole’s mother suspected, but frankly didn’t care, a loveless marriage, he being rich enough to support her lifestyle of booze and betting. He chose to stay married, their arrangement suiting them both, so long as no questions were asked. 

“Shall we take Alice to the park?” Waverly suggested. “She loves sitting on my lap as I swing her.”

“Sure. Need to get back to Dan’s sometime today. Supposed to be going through his roll-out plans.”

“Oh God, sorry. No, you go. I can look after Alice. Keep thinking everyone lives their life like mine.”

“I can stay, unless you don’t want me here?”

“Alice, do you want aunty Nicole to stay?”

Alice reached out, Nicole taking her in her arms, dribbling down her sweatshirt. “Guess I’m staying.”

The park was a short walk from the house. Nicole carried Alice, Wynonna failing to leave the pram. Her pretty coat, woolly hat and matching mittens, she looked every bit the designer kid from a fashion catalogue. The look in Nicole’s eyes told Waverly she was enjoying herself. Although, she could never be sure. She was so hard to read, sometimes passionately hot, sometimes ice cold. 

Other mothers were fussing over their children as they entered, Waverly leading the way to the swings, Alice’s eyes fixed on her. She held out her arms to receive her niece, Alice clinging to Nicole, burying her head in her shoulder. “Looks like you’ll have to be swing master,” Waverly said, holding the seat steady.

Nicole sat, one hand grasping the chain of the swing, the other holding onto Alice for dear life. She began to panic. What if she dropped her, she thought. What if Alice didn’t like swinging with her? What if Waverly wanted children as part of their relationship?

“Hey, you OK?” Waverly asked. “You look really worried.”

“I need to go. I’m sorry. I’ll call you.”

She handed Alice back to Waverly, not bothering to kiss either goodbye, not turning round on hearing Alice crying. Driving back to Dan’s she knew she had let anxiety get the better of her. That tight feeling in her stomach, a headache returning. 

Dan was in the pool when she returned, his daily exercises keeping his body as fit as he could. She entered the water, matching his laps, the two swimming in silence for a while. He moved to the side, beckoning her over. “I need you to go to Paris for me. I’ve also got an important meeting lined up in New York end of the week. I’d like you with me.”

“Sure. Could do with the break.”

“You OK?” Dan asked. “You look upset.”

“Hangover that’s all.”

“How’s it going with Waverly? Nigel thinks the world of her. Wish he hadn’t gone vegan, but he’s such a good cook, it doesn’t really matter. Although, Hawaiian pizza with extra jalapenos, am I right?”

“You’re right.” Nicole replied. 

“Do you want to invite Waverly? I can get Nigel to book a ticket for her. Shame to waste the Paris hotel.”

“No. It’s fine. She’s busy right now with her paintings.”

Nicole left the pool, showering, heading to her room. She was restless. She wanted Waverly, she simply didn’t want all the pressure that came with a relationship. She had been enjoying herself in the park, but Waverly’s comment about children had begun playing on her mind. She didn’t want to think about that, didn’t want to make plans around such events. 

It was simpler with Shae. Shae had her work, she had hers. They rarely talked about committing to each other, never discussed children, neither quite knowing how to be in the relationship. They did things together, lived together for a while, enjoyed life as a couple, but were emotionally single, each having their own exit strategy should things not work out. Nicole sent Shae a text. 

Nicole: Coming home soon. Can we meet?

Shae: Why?

Nicole: Miss you. 

Shae: Busy right now.

Nicole: Where am I with you?

Shae: Seriously!

Nicole: Do you still love me?

Shae: Depends.

Nicole looked at the last text. Her anxiety levels through the roof. She sent a text to Waverly to say she would be out of the country for a while, that she’d catch up with her when back. Waverly replied wishing her a safe journey, asking how long she would be away. Nicole didn’t respond.

She let herself into the hotel room. Swanky, great views over the city, Shae would love it, she thought, as she placed her bags on the stand. She sent her a text.

Nicole: In Paris. So you.

Shae: Don’t tease. You know how much Paris means to me.

Nicole: I can see the Eiffel Tower from my window.

Shae: Have fun.

Waverly: How’s you?

Nicole: Fine. Have a few things I need to do.

Waverly read Nicole’s response. She knew Nicole blew hot and cold. She knew a cold shoulder response when she read one. She decided not to answer. If Nicole was not in the mood to talk to her, she was not going to chase after love. She missed her.

The meeting in Paris went well. Nicole’s contributions helped pave the way to a strategy to get Dan’s new shops talked about. She briefed him on her way to the airport, he congratulating her on confidently pushing for a more innovative advertising concept, while other executives wanted to play it safe. He could tell she had vision, a creative streak that would be to his advantage once he brought her fully on board with his ideas on how to expand the business.

Nicole checked her phone. Waverly had not been in contact, nor had Shae. She called Shae’s number.

“Hi, didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

“Dan has our flight booked to New York for Saturday. You around?”

“Nikky, I’ll be at my parents. Now’s not a good time.”

Nicole called Waverly. It went to answerphone. No one loved her, she thought, as she hung up, not bothering to leave a message for Waverly. With little more than a day’s turnaround between flights, she decided to leave calling Waverly again until she returned from the States. She was quiet on the flight out, Dan discussing how he wanted the New York meeting to go, Nicole nodding, not really paying attention. Dan could sense something was bothering her. 

The meeting over, they sat the hotel lobby, Dan ordering a large whiskey, Nicole choosing a beer. “So, where are you right now?” Dan asked. “Is it Waverly? You’ve not talked about her since we left England.”

“I rang Shae. She’s at her parents. Not sure what to do.”

“But, I thought it was over between you and Shae. I thought that’s why you are with Waverly.”

“I’m not with anyone,” Nicole snapped. “I don’t need to have someone attached to me.”

“OK, only is it fair leading Waverly on if you still have feelings for Shae?”

“I’m not leading her on. We know where we stand.”

“You might. But, does she?”

Waverly was in her studio when Nicole entered, Michelle smiling, telling her to go up. She entered, Waverly having started a new piece, lost in her own world. Nicole’s hand on her shoulder made her jump, her brush sending a line of white across the canvas. She turned, looking at Nicole, returning to her art. “I like it,” Nicole said. “Good use of blue. You fancy getting a coffee?”

“No thanks.”

“Tea. You fancy getting a tea?”

“Not really. Rather busy. Another time perhaps.”

“Right. Are you free for dinner one evening?”

Waverly turned again, studying Nicole. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Why? I was thinking the Italian in Lyndhurst. The one you said you liked.”

Waverly put down her brush. “You walked out of the park, disappeared for a week, gave the impression you didn’t want to speak to me. Kind of not in the mood for this.”

“No. I, look…I had to do things for Dan. I’m sorry about the park, all got a bit much.”

“Bit much. Sitting on a swing with Alice is too much for you?”

“No. Talking about kids.”

“Grow up Nicole. If you get scared having a conversation like that, how the hell can you be with someone?”

“I’m just not into all this family thing. Not yet, anyway.”

“Who the fuck said anything about families. And, don’t assume when I say I might want children someday you factor into the equation. Right now, you most definitely don’t.”

“So, you don’t want to go to Lyndhurst for a meal?”

“Seriously, Nicole, leave before I throw something at you.”

“I’ll call you.”

“Really. When? Next week, next month, whenever you feel like it. How about never, save you the inconvenience of having to schedule me into your ultra-busy life.”

Nicole left with her tail between her legs, Michelle no longer smiling having heard Waverly’s raised voice. Michelle went up as soon as she had left the shop. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Nicole treating me like an option.”

“Don’t you let her. Your father did that with us. Until he decided his other option was preferable.”


	20. The naked truth ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wynonna interrupts...

Nicole snuggled in behind Waverly feeling her warmth as their two bodies moved closer. “Is this what love feels like?” Nicole asked.

“Don’t make me cry this early,” Waverly replied, pushing her back further into Nicole. “What does it feel like to you?”

“Like butterflies in my stomach. Good butterflies. As if the whole world is lighter because I know you.”

Waverly turned her body, studying Nicole’s face. It was the first time she had talked to her about feeling an emotion. She didn’t want to make a huge moment out of it, although she could sense Nicole was changing, starting out on the long journey to understanding herself a little more. She also knew better than to get her hopes up. Afterall, Nicole had a tendency to bail when a situation became too much for her to deal with. For now, Waverly was happy to be where she was. In Nicole’s bed, with Nicole close to her.

Nicole decided it might be fun to have breakfast in bed together. Dan was in the kitchen as she entered, Nigel preparing a delicious assortment of fruits, Dan clearly not as thrilled to be eating this healthily in the morning. She had watched him indulge in New York, ordering a large plate of pancakes with eggs and bacon for breakfast, asking her not to tell Nigel. Sometimes we have to do our own thing, he informed her, with a wink, adding he loved Nigel’s cooking.

“What can I get you and Waverly?” Nigel asked, throwing a few more blueberries into the mix. “I’ve enough fruit salad if you want some. Or, I can make tofu scramble if Waverly would prefer.”

“Toast is fine. And, tea.”

“Tea!” Dan exclaimed. “My God, you’re turning into a British person.”

“OK. Coffee for me. No, on second thoughts I will have a tea. No sugar. And, only a little milk.”

“What are your plans for today?” Dan asked, still in shock Nicole was prepared to drink tea over coffee. “I have a meeting in Southampton I'd like you at, but I can manage if you want to spend some time with Waverly.”

Nicole sat eyeing Nigel as he poured two mugs of tea, not entirely sure her new choice of breakfast drink was the right one. “I was thinking of taking Waverly somewhere for lunch. I don’t know what her plans are. I’ll need to check.”

Dan didn’t want to mention the saga of the day before, but it needed to be said. “Look, what happened yesterday, with you and the airport, we’re here for you. Don’t let things get too much that your only option is what you were about to do. You can talk to me, or Nigel, or Jill. You’re not alone, do you hear me?”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll pay you back for the cost of the flight. I nearly went. After everything I put Waverly through before, I nearly went again. It scared me, knowing I was this close to losing Waverly forever. I may still lose her, but it won’t be without a fight.”

“The money isn’t important. You are far more important to us. Go do what you need to do. I’ll let you know how the meeting goes.”

Nigel handed her a tray. “Tell Waverly I’ll make tofu scramble. I know she likes it.”

Breakfast eaten, a leisurely shower together, Waverly asked if they could go to the studio to paint, feeling more inclined than in recent weeks. Her mind had been elsewhere, her work suffering as a consequence, the tones in her paintings muted, lacking clarity, a reflection of her own heart. She wanted Nicole to come sit with her, be with her as they created something new, something fresh, something together. 

She called her mother, explaining she would be bringing Nicole with her, asking where Wynonna was. Her sister had gone shopping with a friend. That would give Waverly time for what she had in mind.

They made a quick detour to Michelle’s house, Waverly changing into her dungarees, Nicole wondering if there would be an opportunity later for her to remove them, their night of passion still playing on repeat in her mind. Michelle glared at Nicole as she entered the shop behind Waverly, the corners of her mouth turned down. Nicole forced a smile, quickly realising she was not the most popular person in Michelle’s books. She dropped the attempt, lowering her head, moving as close to Waverly as she could, the pair heading towards the stairs. No one spoke. Now was not the time for lengthy discussions, or excuses, or apologies. 

Waverly opened the door to the studio. Removing a half-finished piece from the easel, she picked up a blank canvas, turning to Nicole. “I’d like to paint you, if that’s OK.”

“Sure. Where do you want me?”

“Preferably in bed, for now on that stool.”

“You read my mind. About the bed that is. In those dungarees. I never knew your clothes could get me so turned on.”

“Interesting. Ditch your clothes.”

Nicole hesitated, considering Waverly’s request, assuming they would get little done if she disrobed. “Are you sure that’s wise? I’m ready to rip yours off and I’m guessing by the look in your eyes you want to do the same to me.”

“It’s fine. I’ll contain myself. It’ll be fun. Like before.”

Nicole felt her stomach lurch, a sense of what she had run from, the times they spent immersed in their little world of exploring colour and contrast, each taking a turn to explore the other through form. She looked at her shoes, her hands going to her pockets.

“What? Tell me,” Waverly asked. “Whatever it is you can tell me.”

“I was remembering how we would strip, draw each other. I think I’m sad. I’m not sure.”

“Nicole, everything you feel, or think you feel is as it should be. Nothing is ever perfect, like a painting. It’ll never be finished, or perfect, but it’ll be good enough. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect…”

“You’re saying I’m not perfect?” Nicole teased, the sparkle returning to her eyes. “I’d say I’m pretty close to being perfect.”

“OK, you’re the exception. You’re perfect, now take your clothes off, let me paint that perfect body of yours.”

Waverly began to outline her study of Nicole as soon as she had taken a seat. Working quickly, she moved the paint across the canvas, knowing acrylic dried very fast. She built up many thin layers of subtle colours, her mission to achieve ever more lively and compelling skin tones. Being synthetic, the paint had a tendency to take on a plastic texture in the hands of a less-experienced artist. Her talent for bringing out the right tones meant her work came alive, drawing the viewer into a magical world of reflective beauty.

Nicole sat as still as she could, studying Waverly’s calm expression as she worked. It always amazed her to see the final piece. Having wanted to paint like Waverly, she now recognised she had something more than talent. She could feel her paintings. It was why they could bring her to tears. They consumed her, became living entities. They were her children. 

She called Nicole over once she was finished. “The key is to keep the pigment very thin on the brush,” she explained. “Barely there at all. I mix the paint thinly too, wiping everything from the brush. It’s called dusting because the end result has a soft, powder-like texture.”

“I understand. I can see how you’ve done that. God, you’re good.”

“And, never use colours you don’t like, only those that sing to you. Consider the dependency of the colour to the one next to it. It’s the relationship that counts, not the actual colours.”

Nicole heard Waverly’s words. She wasn’t just teaching her how to paint using acrylics, although she was learning a lot just in this short session. Waverly was teaching her how to understand love from a painter’s perspective. Drawing her to her heart using a language both understood.

The sound of footsteps on the stairs alerted them someone was approaching, fast. Waverly realised she had left the door unlocked, unable to get to it before Wynonna burst in. The look on her face was a picture, a mixture of shock and anger, expecting to corner Nicole to give her a piece of her mind, she had not expected to find her completely naked. “Fuck, sorry. Waverly, lock the fucking door in future. I’m never going to get this out of my brain.”

“As if locking a door stops you,” Waverly replied, Nicole desperately trying to put on her clothes. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to apologise to Nicole.”

Nicole looked at Waverly, not sure she heard right. “It’s fine. You had every right to be annoyed with me. I accept your apology.”

“No, I wanted to apologise for not breaking the door down fast enough to kill you.”

“Wyn, stop it. You’re not helping matters.”

“Has Haught got her gear on yet?” Wynonna asked. “Or, has she jumped out the window?”

“I’m still here. You can come in, I’m not going anywhere. And, yes I’m dressed.”

Wynonna opened the door, still expecting to see everything Nicole had on full display. “Miss America, or should that be Miss Bare Ass, I can’t stop you seeing my sister. I can’t stop my sister being a complete, and utter fool in going back to you. But, I love Waverly and I don’t want to see her hurt. And, you’ve hurt her.”

“I understand,” Nicole replied. “I finally understand.”

Wynonna paused, not convinced Nicole did understand. “I want to punch you so hard right now. If you hurt her again, I will find you, you hear?”

“I hear.”

Waverly locked the door as soon as Wynonna had left. “I don’t think she’s ever going to accept you.”

“I understand. I really do. And, I didn’t jump out of a window this time.”

“True. So, two choices. Dungarees off here, or Michelle’s.”

Nicole took Waverly in her arms. “Here, and Michelle’s. That way I get the best of both worlds.”

Jill suggested they continue their individual counselling sessions for the time being, perhaps having a couple’s session once a fortnight. She knew from past experience bringing couples together after a betrayal takes effort, a willingness to be vulnerable together. Telling a therapist something personal in a solo session takes courage, speaking inner fears and frustrations with your partner sat beside you takes even greater courage. Jill recognised Nicole had taken a huge leap of faith in their first shared session, revealing to Waverly what may have driven her chaotic behaviour previously in their relationship. 

Not every session needed to have such powerful breakthroughs. It would be too emotionally draining on both her clients, liable to send them running to the hills, Nicole at least. As a therapist she knew bringing couples to a new level of understanding takes time. The longer the better. Not from a financial gain on her side, merely the time it took to re-establish healthy foundations from which the relationship would have a chance to grow. 

She now had a reasonably good understanding of each of her clients as individuals. Waverly possessed a calm nurturing temperament, Nicole possessed energy, mixed with high anxiety around intimacy. Both were discovering new aspects of themselves, in and out of relationship. Now the real work would begin to find whether, or not, their relationship could be healed sufficiently to create something new, something fresh, something together.

Nicole stared at the floor, taking in what Jill was saying. “Nicole, having the ability to express a wide range of feelings is useful, they are a part of the human experience, but...”

“But, if I can’t identify mine, if I can’t express them, if they overwhelm me, make me want to run, then I’m failing Waverly.”

“But, love is more than feelings. Love is a choice, an active decision, a series of investments. Layer upon layer of effort and actions built up over time, allowing you to create a deeper connection than what lust, or infatuation can provide. Without that foundation a relationship invariably ends up not being able to grow. It remains immature and volatile. Liable to change, or fall apart, if situations change that are not to our liking.”

“I understand. The ability to stay and face the heat. Kind of not how I've been playing it, right.”

“When negative feelings predominate, it can feel like falling out of love. This might lead someone to take this as an indication they should no longer be with a particular partner, even though loving feelings can be rekindled.”

“I’m finally realising that.”


	21. Cherries on top ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole falls in love...

Nicole sat in her car, the palm of her right hand hitting the top of the steering wheel repeatedly. Her mind looped on one word, echoing incessantly as the pain in her hand grew. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. She knew ignoring Waverly for that length of time would open her up to losing the one person she truly was scared of losing. And yet, when the thought of committing to her reared its ugly head, even hypothetically during their brief discussion about having children, she fled as far and as fast as she could.

She knew at a gut level, her desire to meet up with Shae was nothing more than a falsehood. She had no intention of starting up again with her. Ever. No intention of making anything with her permanent. Ever. Shae simply was there to be used, to provide her with an escape route should she need one. Keeping Shae dangling in her life was a way of coping with the pressures she imposed on herself in navigating her relationship with Waverly. With anyone who came after Shae. An excuse when she couldn’t face what was staring her right in the face. Commitment to another. Loving another. There was no guilt, or remorse at having made contact with her ex-partner. For Nicole, that was beyond her emotional range. She chose not to let it mean more than a transaction. A supermarket purchase.

But, now she faced a new pressure. Not being with Waverly. And, that was creating its own form of anxiety. How to get Waverly back. After the conversation in Waverly’s studio, she knew Waverly would not want to speak to her directly, which in turn meant they were unlikely to go anywhere together in the immediate future. That left only one course of action. Bombarding her with text messages. Nicole pulled out her phone.

N: I’m sorry I messed up 

Nicole sent the message, waiting five minutes before sending another.

N: I don’t deserve you 

N: Can we at least be friends

W: No - Fuck off

N: I do stupid things

N: Really stupid things

W: You do - Fuck off

N: If I fuck off will you have dinner with me

N: I’ll cook dinner naked…

W: Seriously fuck right off

N: ...and wear melted chocolate in places you can lick from me...over & over & over…

N: …dripping from me…

W: Still mad at you

N: …and melted chocolate on your nipples...my tongue…

W: I hate you

N: …licking & licking & licking…

W: Really fucking hate you - one dinner

N: …licking & licking & licking…

W: Where are you?

N: …outside…

Waverly opened the car door. “Don’t for a moment think I’ll come running next time. This is your last chance.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Last chance. Shall I go buy some chocolate from the shop?”

Nicole watched Waverly physically shiver at the suggestion. She had won her back. That was all she needed to know. 

Dan and Nigel were out, Nicole letting them into the house, taking Waverly’s hand, dragging her towards the bedroom. Running to the kitchen she rummaged in the cupboard for the fondue set she had spied, returning to the bedroom. Waverly was at the window, gazing out at the gardener tending the lawn, turning as she entered, a confused look on her face. “You were serious about the melted chocolate.”

“Of course. I eat first.”

“But, it’ll be hot. I’m not putting it on me if it’ll burn.”

Nicole looked frustrated, about to snap, realising she needed to go at Waverly’s pace. “I will cool it on my fingers.”

Waverly still looked unsure. “Fine. Just be careful. I’m not turning up at A&E with burnt nipples.”

"Now that would be an amusing conversation with the doctor. Hi, my girlfriend burnt my nipples with hot chocolate. Look.”

“Ha ha. So not funny. Sexy. Not funny. Where do you want me?”

Nicole’s eyes went to the bed. Clean white covers, changed that morning, stared back at her. A dilemma. She wanted to do this in the bedroom, but having to explain chocolate over the covers would be as bad as Waverly having to explain burnt nipples to a doctor.

“The pool,” Nicole offered. “Let’s go to the pool. That way we can wash off anything we can't lick off.”

“God. Stop saying that. It does things to me. Okay, the pool it is.”

Equipment in her hands Nicole led the way along the corridor, neither saying anything. Waverly stood at the edge of the pool wondering what to do next, Nicole placing the items in her hands on a bench, standing for a moment considering what to do. “Shall we swim first?”

“It sounds fun having chocolate licked off my body,” Waverly said, “but it’s not as sexy when you think about how to actually do it.”

“Could try ice cream? Or, squirty cream.”

Waverly turned to face Nicole, a mischievous look in her eyes. “Or, you could just fuck me in the pool. Without toppings.”

“Not even a cherry. Let me put cherries on you. Please.”

Waverly’s grin told her she was winning her back. “They’d float away.”

“Not if you lie flat and I eat them from your stomach. Or, tacos. Definitely tacos, with a side salad.”

“Stop. That's way too kinky.”

Nicole approached, pulling Waverly towards her. “I love you Waverly Earp. With, or without toppings.”

She felt Waverly’s body tense, a slight push away with her arms. “What’s wrong? Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Why would you say that, when you don’t mean it.”

“I do. I love cherries. Cherries on you even better.”

“Don’t. Don’t say something and make me believe it’s true.”

“Waverly. I do. It took me doing something really stupid to realise that. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. But, this is right. You are right for me. Now, all we’ve got to work out is how to cover you in melted chocolate without injury.”

Nicole felt Waverly’s body sink into her. “I love you, too. I really do. That’s why when you didn’t call and didn’t want to talk it really hurt.”

“I know. I’ll do better. I promise.”

A naked swim, a steamy session in the sauna, they retired to Nicole’s bedroom eating the chocolate she had hoped they would wear to keep their energy up. As they lay in each other’s arms, it was the most content Nicole had felt in years, drifting off to sleep, Waverly having to remove a piece of chocolate from her hand in case it melted. She gazed at her sleeping lover, placing a kiss on her shoulder, eliciting a soft moan from Nicole. She too was content, for now.

The world continued its dance outside the window as they slept. At peace in each other’s arms. The sound of a car pulling up woke Nicole, Waverly’s beautiful hair across her chest, its intoxicating smell arousing her once more. Her free hand stroked Waverly’s shoulder, running down her side to her hip, softly repeating the actions until she felt her stir. “Hey, Dan’s back. What do you fancy doing?”

“Stay here,” Waverly murmured, half asleep. “With you.”

“We can. Or, I could take you for that meal.”

“Sure. Had so much chocolate earlier. What about Lymington?”

“What about it?”

“Fish and chips on the quay.”

“Won’t you be cold?”

“What?”

“You lying out, while I eat them from you.”

Waverly giggled. “Can you please stop thinking of me as a buffet table. I’m not to be eaten…”

Nicole made no response, but the look on her face earned her a pinch to her stomach. “Ouch.”

“Chrissy’s invited us to Eden.”

“Thought this was Eden.”

“No silly. The festival. It would mean sharing a tent.”

“In a field. No thanks. I’m not spending a night in a cold tent with a group of drunk people.”

“Us. We’d share a tent. Still a field, mind.”

“Listening.”

“So, I can let Chrissy know you’re going.”

“Possibly. “What do I do at this Eden?”

“Get drunk. Listen to music. Make love to me, with everyone around us listening.”

“I’m in.”

Waverly sat up. “It’s a bit hippie. And, Wynonna might be going. If she can get Doc to look after Alice.”

“I’m still in. Where you go, I go.”

“No chocolate. I’m not doing anything like that in a tent. Nicole, no. No.”

They eventually made it out of the bedroom, like two giggling teenagers. A quick hello to Dan and Nigel they headed out to Lymington, spending the evening chatting, eating fish and chips, enjoying the lively atmosphere of The Ship Inn on the quayside. Nicole dropped Waverly home shortly before midnight, in two minds whether to go in. She remembered the look on Michelle’s face earlier, deciding perhaps for now she would reserve her time spent with Waverly to Dan’s house.

The weekend of the Eden festival arrived, everyone excited to be together. Nicole had arranged for Waverly to spend the night before at Dan’s. That way she wouldn’t have to face Michelle and any inquisition about their relationship. Wynonna would be joining the group Saturday evening, Doc putting his foot down on her parental responsibilities. She had made it known she wasn’t happy with the arrangement.

The campsite was busy when they arrived, Waverly texting Chrissy to find out where their tents were located. Chrissy knew the organiser, a family friend, which meant they would be glamping rather than slumming it with the others attending the festival. Dan had suggested Nicole take Nigel’s new Range Rover for the weekend, explaining a 4x4 would be more practical than the small car she normally used. It certainly made a statement as they arrived, Waverly’s friends whooping and clapping as they pulled up.

“Trust you to come in a Chelsea tractor,” Chrissy said, as they exited the vehicle. “We’re supposed to be roughing it this weekend.”

“Dan insisted,” Waverly replied. “Thought Nicole’s car would get stuck in the mud. Speaking of which, it’s muddy.”

“I know. Fucking great. You and Nicole up for Pimms?”

“What time is it?”

“Pimms o’clock.”

Waverly checked her phone. “Chrissy, it’s…fuck it…I’d better check Nicole’s okay. Not sure she’s into mud.”

Nicole was standing looking at the scene before her, completely lost. This was not exactly in her comfort zone, wondering how she was going to get their bags from Nigel’s car to wherever they were sleeping. Waverly returned with two plastic beakers filled to brim with a reddish drink, handing one to her. “It’s the only way you’ll get through this. You okay, you look really freaked out.”

“There’s a lot of mud.”

“Yep. Think of it like chocolate. Actually, don’t think of it like chocolate. Here, drink. It’ll take your mind of it being a complete mud fest.”

Waverly grabbed their bags from the back seat, leaving Nicole holding their drinks, wondering what she had let herself in for. As the day progressed, the group mellowed, Nicole gradually relaxing, going with the flow, cuddling up to Waverly. It was perfect. Utterly perfect. The music, the company, Waverly’s warmth against her body. She wanted nothing more, a bliss enveloping her, where only anxiety had existed before.

Her arm round Waverly, the beat of the music moving the crowd, she suddenly felt a surge of love through her body. Except for Nicole it had no name, just a surge of energy telling her this was where she most wanted to be. Her body began to shiver as the energy moved its way through her, Waverly feeling it, looking up. “You okay. It’s getting cold. Do you want to go find the tent?”

Nicole’s eyes fixed on Waverly’s. “I…I love you. I don’t know what this is I’m feeling. But, I love you.”

“Hey, I love you too. Let’s go back. We have tomorrow. Wyn’s coming which will be interesting.”

“Waverly, listen to me. I love you.”

“Okay. I love you too.”

Nicole prised herself from Waverly, holding her by the shoulders. “It’s you. I can’t explain. But, it’s you. Fuck, what a fool not to have seen you all this time.”

Waverly was quiet. Her eyes on Nicole, realising she had finally fallen in love with her.


	22. No, or yes ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waverly gives Nicole an answer...

“Remember what I told you at Eden,” Nicole said, stroking Waverly’s hair, feeling the same connection as she had on that night. “That was something else.”

“Wyn got so drunk. Even Chrissy was impressed. I'm surprised she didn't puke. So proud of my sister sometimes.”

“It was the first time.”

“Wyn getting drunk like that? Nope, you should have seen her before Alice. So, so drunk.”

“The first time I told you I loved you.”

Waverly pushed herself off Nicole, studying her face, drowning in those melted-chocolate eyes. “What made you think of that?”

“I remember how my body felt. Like a weight had been lifted from it, like there were no more problems. And, you and me. That’s all there was.”

“And, thousands of other people. Those loos were dreadful. Do you remember those loos? Why the organisers think that's acceptable. I'm bringing my own if we go again.”

Nicole gave Waverly a confused look. “Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m telling you that’s how love is for me,” her voice becoming agitated.

“Hey. Yes, I understand. It’s just…”

Waverly eased herself out of bed, finding the pile of clothes she’d discarded the night before, sorting through them to begin dressing. Nicole watched, unsure what was happening, wanting to express herself, seeing Waverly close down that window she was opening up to her heart.

“Where are you going?”

Waverly held her t-shirt, eyes studying the words on the front. “This is what I waited for. All of this. You returning, saying you love me. I’ve dreamt about this moment. I’ve had this moment in my head for so long.”

“Something’s wrong,” Nicole replied, her stomach tightening. “Tell me. Waves. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s all…everything is perfect.”

“No. If it was perfect, you wouldn’t be dressing.”

Waverly found the edge of the bed, the t-shirt still in her hands. “Perfect scares me. I’m scared I’ll wake up and find you gone, and I won’t be able to contact you. I’m scared this won’t last.”

Nicole crawled down the bed, cradling Waverly in her arms, feeling the tension in her body. “I’ve done this to you. I’ve made you doubt love. What I did…what I put you through, what I keep putting you through.”

“The pain of loving you is too much sometimes.”

Nicole could feel her eyes beginning to water, now realising how cruel she had been to Waverly. How much she had hurt the one she supposedly loved. Every action, knee-jerk reaction had had but one purpose. To protect herself. Only her. With little, or no, thought on how such an action, or reaction, might affect Waverly. 

The words ‘I love you’ suddenly took on a completely new meaning. No longer were they a passive phrase, dished out, the same way her mother dished out pasta on a Thursday evening to her family, sat round a table where no one spoke the truth. 

The words came alive. Their meaning active. Their intention physical. Love became an active verb. Loving. She was loving Waverly. Her whole being was loving Waverly. And, it hurt. It hurt like hell, because she had hurt the one she loved.

Nicole pulled away. “Let’s go on holiday. You and me. Escape somewhere.”

Waverly used the t-shirt to wipe her eyes. “I guess we’ve made progress. You’re including me in your escape plans.”

Nicole replayed her words in her mind. “Fuck. No, I don’t want to escape. Sorry, I’m so fucking stupid sometimes. Why do I open my goddam mouth?”

“I like you swearing.”

“I don’t know what to do. I want this. I want us. But, what if us means breaking your heart over, and over, and over, and…”

Waverly moved her index finger to Nicole’s lips. “Where do you want us to escape to?”

“I’ll hurt you. I’ll keep hurting you.”

“My life. My choice. I’ve made my choice. What I have with you, with all its imperfections, with all the uncertainty. I know you will break me open, over, and over, and over."

Nicole knelt before her, taking her hands. “Waverly Earp. Will you marry me?”

Waverly’s body shuddered. The words she longed to hear once more being uttered, spoken into the world, rocking her to her core. She knew her answer. It was the same answer it had always been. And yet, when it came to giving her answer she knew it was not the one to be given.

“No.”

The look of shock on Nicole’s face told her she had made the right choice. This wasn’t revenge. Or, punishment. Or, rejection. It was simply a matter of timing and intuition. There would come a time when she would answer as she always intended to answer. Now was not that time. 

She dressed, Nicole watching her in silence, unable to make any move other than with her eyes. Waverly didn’t look at her, didn’t want to see the tears running down Nicole’s face, the face of a child rejected. She closed the bedroom door behind her, walking out of Nicole’s life.

For now. 

Only for now. 

Betting on forever.

She let herself into her mother’s house. Alice and Wynonna were in the kitchen, Wynonna moaning to their mother about something Doc had done to annoy her. She could hear her mother’s voice, reassuring but firm, giving advice, sound advice only a mother can give. Telling Wynonna to stand her ground on the matter. Wynonna agreeing. 

Her bedroom was a mess. She hadn’t been there in a few days, clothes discarded on the floor. A pair of Nicole’s briefs hanging from the lamp by her bed. She smiled remembering how they got there, suddenly embarrassed at the thought of her mother seeing them on full display.

Her laptop had been charging all this time. Sitting on the unmade bed, she pulled up her travel plans, the ones she had mulled over for several months after Nicole disappeared. It had been on her mind for a long time, Nicole’s appearance in her life, then disappearance awakening something she had longed for, but been reluctant to face. She needed her own escape. 

The small apartment was still available. Perfect for what she wanted. Complete with an artist’s studio in the attic. She clicked on the link she’d been sent to confirm she would proceed with the letting. Due to start the beginning of the next month, she had but a few days to get herself to Paris. 

Going by train was her preferred option. Now, all that was left was to pack a few bags, say goodbye to those she intended to tell. And leave. 

The conversation stopped as she entered the kitchen. Alice looked at the adults wondering why no one was speaking. “I see lady again?” she asked, seeing her favourite aunt.

“If you like. I need to talk to mummy and nana. You go up. You know where the drawings are. Be careful.”

“I draw lady.”

“You can Alice boo. You can. Be careful.”

Waverly waited for Alice to leave, sitting on a stool, feeling her family’s eyes on her. “I’m going. I’ve paid the deposit on Paris. I can get a train tomorrow.”

“I’m so proud of you,” her mother replied. “I can shut the shop for a few days. Come with you.”

“No. I need to do this. On my own. Wyn will you drive me to St. Pancras?”

“I’ll drive you all the way to Paris, if you want.”

Waverly smiled. “You and I both know why.”

“Fucking marriage. No freedom. Love him. Love Alice. But, seriously. So fucking cramping my style."

“I need to do this alone. If I don’t, it will never work with Nicole.”

“You had to bring her up,” Wynonna replied. “She’s fucking toxic, you know that.”

“I know. But, I love her. Hence Paris.”

“Does she know you’re going?”

“She asked me to go on holiday with her. And, get married.”

“Whoa. Back up. Married?”

Waverly nodded. “Said no. My yes will come eventually. When we’re ready.”

“Over my cold fucking dead body. Sorry, baby sis, but seriously no. She does not get to put a ring on you again. Ever.”

“I wish you wouldn’t swear so much,” Michelle interrupted. “I think what you’re doing is right. Let Nicole really figure out what she wants. I honestly think she expected to waltz back into your life with no come back whatsoever. All is forgiven. She’s treating you like an option again.”

“Perhaps,” Waverly replied. “But, this is more than Nicole. I stayed here hoping for her to return. I put my life on hold, not knowing if she was ever going to be part of my life. Now that she’s back, I feel trapped. Unfulfilled.”

“Let me drive you Paris," Wynonna begged. "I need the break. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please …”

“Fine. You drive me to Paris. But, you’re not staying. Alice needs you. And, Doc.”

Wynonna clapped her hands together. “We’re so going to make this happen. Paris here we come.”

Nicole stared at her phone. Waverly had been gone two hours and already she was missing her. She sent a text.

N: What do you want me to do

W: I love you

N: I love you too. Tell me

W: I need space to think

N: I understand. Waves please don’t give up on me

W: I’m not. It’s for the best

Nicole read the last text over, and over, and over. For the best. What did Waverly mean, ‘for the best.’ She didn’t know how to respond, heading to the pool, letting the water accept her body. Lap, after lap, after lap, she could feel her body becoming more tense. For the best. For the best. 

Nigel entered, removing his robe, walking to the deep end. The splash he made irritated her, not wanting the interruption. Not wanting to be pulled from her own thoughts. She concentrated on her movements, letting her body flow through the water, all the while dragging her thoughts behind, like a buoy.

“Dan needs to speak with you. He’s got a few meetings lined up.”

Nicole kept swimming, meetings or not, her mind was focused on keeping Waverly in her life.

“Nicole. Stop. We need to talk.”

Nicole kept swimming, watching Nigel move to the side, waiting for her to join him. 

“I can wait all day.”

She slowed her movements, not wanting to converse, knowing she had little option. She pulled up alongside, refusing to meet his gaze.

“You know we’re on your side. You can talk to me. Waverly’s perfect for you. Dan knows that. I know that. And, so do you. We’ll do whatever it takes to make this work for you.”

“She doesn’t want to marry me.”

Nigel was silent. His eyes studied Nicole’s face. Despite the mask she had perfected, behind the blank expression, hiding all emotion, he could see the pain in her eyes. The lost look of a child left without its parents in a park. Alone.

“Nicole, Waverly loves you. Whatever the reason is for not saying yes. There’s a reason. You need to keep talking to her.”

“I hurt. Nigel, my heart is being ripped out. I can’t make the pain stop. And, I can’t run from it any longer. I want to run. And, I can’t. It’s killing me.”

Nigel pulled her towards him, holding her like a child. “Nicole. She loves you. Get through this. For her. She’s worth it. You know she's worth it.”

He felt the tiny movements of Nicole’s body as she sobbed on his shoulder. He had felt detached from her ever since she entered the house. Shut out. Her relationship with him stilted, distant, kept away in case he asked too much of her emotionally. He understood she wasn’t open to expressing how she felt. For him, someone who swam freely, naked, in his emotions he found her cold, too cold sometimes, but lovable all the same. And, he loved her like his own child.


	23. With this ring ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole buys Waverly a ring...

Waverly could feel herself shivering. The night air had a sharp bite to it, piercing her clothing as she stood listening to the bands perform, tiredness and a little too much alcohol all contributing. Beyond all the physical reasons, her own body was reacting to the words Nicole was saying.

She buried her head in Nicole’s shoulder, knowing what she was being told changed their relationship. Made it into something. More than simply being about sex, without commitment of any kind. A meeting of their bodies, never their souls. Now Nicole was bearing her soul to her, in the middle of a muddy field, at night, with all the noise and craziness surrounding her revelation. Her awakening to love.

Nicole moved Waverly's body away from her. “Waves. I see you. I do. You’re the first person I’ve ever seen like this. You’re incredible. Truly incredible.”

Waverly wanted to dismiss the moment, make light of it, terrified of the true meaning Nicole’s words carried. She felt hands grip ever more tightly round her shoulders, wanting space, wanting time to process without the haze of alcohol fogging her mind. Without the rawness of those words hitting her heart for the first time. 

She pushed herself away, turning, not looking back, making her way through the crowd. She knew Nicole was following. She could feel her, feel the movement behind her own body. She simply needed a moment to collect herself. A hand reached out, pulling on her. Nicole’s. She allowed it to be there, her new role acting as a guide to where they would go. The crowd thinned, the pair joined by hands moving towards a space free of others, Waverly walking them back to their yurt, in silence, hoping it would be quieter to talk.

Finding their tent, Waverly dragged Nicole inside, making sure the entrance was closed, the need to say anything more passing, pulling Nicole into the kiss that would seal their lives. Together. She wanted this. She wanted a life with Nicole, wherever that took her, whatever that entailed. Even while she knew this girl was trouble, even while she knew she could disappear when it suited her, leaving her hanging. All those details no longer mattered because Nicole loved her. 

She felt Nicole’s body move into hers, the two of them dancing towards the bed, ready to be together. She hoped the others would be slow in returning to their tents nearby, allowing them their own time to explore their newly realised intimacy, to do what they were desperate to do with each other. 

The music stopped shortly after midnight. The lovers were already asleep in each other’s arm by then, oblivious to the noise of their returning party. That is until Wynonna rocked up. She was the most vocal, demanding she check Waverly was in her tent, Chrissy advising she might be, given Nicole was missing too, Wynonna adamant she needed to see her little sister. 

“Waves. Waves. You in there. You decent.”

“Shush,” Chrissy said. “You’ll wake everyone up.”

“Waves. I’m going to say goodnight. I’m in my tent if you need me. Where is my tent?”

“Wynonna,” Chrissy begged. “You’re with me. This way.”

“I need to see Waves. Waves, can I come in?”

Waverly stirred, half listening to the commotion outside, wondering if it was a dream. It all felt like a dream. She had everything she wanted, right there, in her arms. Snuggled into her body. The world was perfect. Well, almost perfect, her sister’s persistence in making sure she was alright the only irritation in an otherwise perfect moment. “Wyn, go to bed, it’s late,” she called out. “And, drink plenty of water. Love you.”

“Waves, I love you too. I’m going to bed now. Chrissy, stop pulling me. Is there booze in our tent?”

The campsite was quiet for most of the morning. Very few early risers after a hard night of partying. Nicole was snoring, her body half covered by the duvet and throws, Waverly wondering why she hadn’t frozen to death. She bundled herself up in all the available bedding, shivering, needing warmth, her body not comfortable with being this cold. Her feet found Nicole’s calves, placing them on her, waking Nicole immediately.

“Fuck. Cold. Cold. Cold. Is that you?”

“Sorry. I’m freezing. Hate this part of camping. I should have brought a hot water bottle with me.”

“A what now?” Nicole asked, turning over, pulling Waverly into her body. 

“Something to keep me warm,” Waverly replied, her body desperate for any warmth it could find.

“You’re looking at it. Let me know what parts you want warmed up. I’ve got a few in mind.”

“Shush. Someone might hear. So, Nicole Haught, about last night.”

“So, Waverly Earp. What about last night?”

Waverly felt Nicole’s warmth, her right leg now locked over Nicole’s hip, gazing into those chocolate-brown eyes. “So, about last night.”

Nicole knew what she meant. “Do you Waverly Earp promise to fuck me forever?”

Waverly giggled. “No.”

“What? Okay. Do you Waverly Earp promise to kiss me forever?”

“Maybe.”

Nicole pushed herself up, bringing Waverly with her who was now straddling her body. “Hmmm. Waverly Earp, do you promise not to consider any other human being as being even remotely as attractive as I am. And, therefore exclusively belonging to one Nicole Haught?”

Waverly pretended to consider the offer. “So if a good-looking alien happened to walk by. I could…”

“You most certainly could not,” Nicole replied. “We’re talking Universal exclusivity rights here.”

“Universe. That’s quite a big area to cover.”

“So. Waverly Earp, what’s it to be? Me, or an alien.”

“I’ll go with alien, please.”

It was Nicole’s turn to pretend, feigning a shocked look on her face. Waverly laughed, Nicole’s attempt at acting being more humorous than honest. “Okay. You. I choose you. Only you.”

“Thank you. For a moment I thought I would be in competition with E.T.” She proceeded to mimic his phoning home, sending Waverly into a fit of giggles. Her index finger moved to her lips. “Ouch.”

Waverly stopped giggling, tears welling, her love for Nicole overwhelming her. “Oh Nicole, I see you too. I see your beauty, not just on the outside, but inside too. I love you, I love you.”

“Alright, alright, we know.” Wynonna’s voice breaking the perfect moment. “Will you two please keep the noise down. I’m dying over here.”

A leisurely stroll round the festival stalls, coffees and bagels purchased at one of the vans serving breakfast, they sat in silence enjoying each other’s company. Waverly took her time, the warmth of her cup thawing out her hands, wearing one of Nicole’s jumpers over her own. She could smell her, smell the mix of perfume and person, never wanting to take it off. Nicole had a mischievous grin on her face, contemplating something. She had spotted a stall further back selling unusual pieces of jewellery made from antique cutlery. Only the briefest of glances, there was a delicate ring made from a teaspoon, the design perfect for Waverly’s hand. 

She waited for Waverly to finish, the grin still as large on her face, Waverly wondering where they were going. Stopping at the stall, the ring was still there, Nicole picking it up, looking at it carefully. “What do you think?”

“It’s lovely,” Waverly replied. “So, unusual. Such a pretty design.”

“Try it on. See if it fits.”

“Me? I thought you liked it.”

“It’s to mark this occasion. I’ll get you a proper ring, but I want something to remind us of here.”

“No, I like this one. I don’t need another ring.”

“Fine. If that’s what you really want.”

Waverly placed it on the ring finger of her right hand, turning it to study the curl of the metal enveloping her finger. She smiled, nodding in approval, Nicole purchasing the ring. "Do you want one?” Waverly asked, studying the case. “There’s a similar one, look.”

“I’m not much of a ring wearer. I’ll get one if you want me to.”

“It would be nice if we both have one. Try it on. For me.”

Nicole tried on the ring. It looked equally perfect on her right hand, not wanting to admit to Waverly she would have preferred her to have placed it on her other hand. And yet, she knew she hadn’t asked that question, held back from fully committing to the one person she had allowed herself to love. 

Members of their group were surfacing as they returned to the campsite. Wynonna was nowhere to be seen, Chrissy explaining she’d carried on drinking in their tent. Waverly thought it best to leave her sister sleep off the good night she’d had, Chrissy saying she would look after her, make sure she got home safely. Waverly pulled her to one side, walking a little way from Nicole and the other tents, desperate to tell someone. “Nicole bought me this,” her hand out. “Says she finally sees me.”

“About fucking time. Nice ring. Suits you. And, everything’s okay between you and her?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean. This is what you want. Personally, I would have held out for a big fuck off diamond.”

“Oh no. This isn’t. I think it’s just. It’s just a keepsake to remember here.”

“Right. Are you sure? Only, the look on Nicole’s face kind of suggests she thinks this might be something more than just a ring.”

Waverly looked at Nicole, who was fiddling with her own ring, then back at the one she was wearing. “You don’t think she meant…”

“Waves, you were there. Did she ask you?”

“No. Definitely didn’t get the big question. Fuck, what if she thinks we are?”

“Would you, if she asked?”

“Yes. But, she didn’t ask. She said she’s getting me a better ring. Oh fuck, maybe she did mean it and I’ve messed everything up.”

“Firstly, breathe,” Chrissy instructed. “If she didn’t actually ask you, then I think you’re safe. Secondly, you might want to, oh, you know, casually check she wasn’t perhaps asking you, without asking you.”

“I can’t. Seriously, how can I ask if she meant it as the ring?”

“It’s kind of important to know, don’t you think.”

“Right. Yes, you’re right. I need to ask her. Fuck, what if it’s not?”

“Then, it’s not and you can carry on wearing it on that hand.”

Waverly looked over again at Nicole, who was now staring back, beginning to realise they were talking about her. Waverly smiled, a nervous smile, confirming she was definitely talking about her. As she approached, she could see Nicole had removed her own ring, waiting for Waverly to speak.

“About this ring,” she began. “It’s just a ring, right?”

“Sure. Just a ring.”

“Only, you weren’t thinking it was anything more than just a ring.”

Nicole lowered her eyes, fumbling in her pocket, retrieving the ring Waverly purchased for her, placing it on her right hand again. “Just a ring. For now.”

“Thank fuck for that. For a moment I thought you were asking me to marry you.”

Nicole smiled. She had. She had fully intended to get down on one knee and propose, the effects of professing her love to Waverly the night before still coursing through her body. She realised the moment Waverly put the ring on her other hand, the moment was lost. She could feel Waverly’s arms round her, hugging her close, her own body trying to reciprocate, her muscle’s becoming tense. 

Chrissy was watching, studying Nicole’s face, seeing how little emotion was being expressed. Her own face carried a look of concern, worried for her dear friend, unsure of Nicole’s true intentions. As her eyes remained on Nicole, she could see the glare, the anger rising, determined to continue her conversation with Waverly in private when she would ask her if she was doing the right thing. Something bothered her about Nicole, something was off, and she didn’t want to see her friend hurt.


	24. Lost my Heart ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole loses her heart...

Jill listened as Nicole sobbed on the phone. She told her what had happened between her and Waverly. How she asked Waverly to marry her, only to be rejected, how Waverly left abruptly, giving no clear indication as to where they were going with the relationship.

“Nicole, Waverly will have had her reasons for answering your proposal the way she did. This will need patience on your side and the ability to listen to her. I understand you’re upset, but there are two of you in this. Have you spoken to her since?”

“Only a few texts. She said it’s for the best. What if this is it? What if she no longer wants us?”

“We’ve talked about this. You must allow her to have the time and space to be in this relationship the way she chooses. I suggest you let her make contact when she is ready.”

“Do I tell her that? Do I tell her to make contact with me when she’s ready?”

“You can. It would be best if you let Waverly do so in her own time. But, I sense you are anxious. As, we’ve discussed, it is best not to put too much pressure on Waverly. Allow her the opportunity to come to her own decision on where you will go.”

Nicole left a voicemail, telling Waverly she loved her, telling her she would let her make up her own mind, telling her she had spoken to Jill. Waverly listened, wanting to call Nicole, to explain her reasons for going now, fearful if she did she might be persuaded to stay. 

She called Jill instead. “Hi, sorry, it’s Waverly.”

“How are you?” Jill replied. “I’ve spoken with Nicole, I understand there have been a few issues.”

“You could say that. I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make our appointments for the next few months. I’ve decided to take up that offer to study in Paris.”

“That’s great. I’m pleased for you. I’m assuming you haven’t told Nicole.”

“Not yet. I know it looks like I’m doing what she did to me, but I will be in contact as soon as I’m settled. I simply need to find me again.”

There was a pause as Jill pondered Waverly’s approach. “I understand your reasons for doing it this way. I know we talked in depth about you following your own passions, growing from your experience. I’m a little concerned this wasn’t something you felt you could discuss with Nicole.”

“You’re right. As always. I do need to tell her. No, you’re right. I can’t simply run away. Jill, thank you. I’ll call her. I promise.”

“I wish you every success in Paris. Let me know how it goes.”

Waverly hung up, staring at the phone in her hand, realising she needed to tell Nicole. There was no reason for her to hide this from her. She had to tell her. “Hi, are you okay?”

“No. I’ve lost you.”

“You haven’t. Trust me, you really haven’t, but I’ve not been honest with you. I need to tell you something.”

“I’m listening.”

“When you left, when I couldn’t reach you, part of me left with you. I wanted you in my life so badly and when you vanished something inside me vanished too.”

“Waves, I’m sorry. I’ve totally fucked up your life.”

“No. It’s actually okay. Nicole, it’s okay. You coming back into my life showed me something I wasn’t prepared to look at in myself. I was using what happened to stay stuck. And, when you came back I no longer had that as an excuse. But, I was still stuck.”

“I think I follow. So, I’ve helped you. Is that what you’re saying?”

“More than you’ll ever know. I need to go somewhere. I’ve been putting this off for a long while. And, you need to let me go do this.”

“Where? Go where?”

“Paris. Wynonna is driving me, which should be an interesting experience. I’m packed, have a flat lined up. It’s only for a few months. It’ll give us time to work out our future.”

“You’re going to Paris. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry. I really should have. I was in two minds about going, but when you proposed it crystallised why I need to do this.”

“Right. So, my proposal made you want to go to Paris.”

“For us to be together, for us to have a future, I need to be me again. I can’t live in fear. I can’t hold onto you so tightly I suffocate what we have. I am scared of losing you. But, I’m even more scared of not living my life because of that fear. Does that make sense?”

“I get it. Oh my God, Waves, I get it.”

“I’ll call you when I get to Paris. I love you. I will be back I promise.”

“Hold on. Is there any reason why I can’t drive you to Paris?”

“No. But, what about Dan and the stores? I’m happy for you to visit as often as you want.”

“Waverly Earp, I’m not losing you again. I’m coming with you. That’s final. Now, are you going to tell Wynonna I’m driving, or am I?”

They arrived in Paris the next evening, Waverly letting them into the small flat she’d secured. It was basic, comfortable, everything she dreamed it would be. Dan was overjoyed at the news they would spend some time there, suggesting Nicole could work from the Paris office. Nigel had hugged her a little too long, his own tears coming, telling Nicole to keep in touch. Wynonna begged to be allowed to drive her baby sister, their mother taking her to one side, explaining this needed to be Waverly’s decision. Waverly promised, as soon as she was settled, she and Alice could come stay for a few days. That seemed to pacify Wynonna sufficiently for her to accept Nicole was taking her place.

Their first night was spent walking along the Seine, dining at a small bistro, laughing about nothing in particular. It was the happiest Nicole had seen Waverly in a long time. The tension had gone from her face, she seemed free of the worries she had been holding onto without Nicole realising. She looked like the Waverly she met for the first time at Dan’s house, a joy about her that had drawn her to want to get to know this talented artist, this beautiful woman who would change her life in so many ways. 

They made the flat as homely as they could, Waverly adding a few of her drawings, Nicole her photographs. When Wynonna and Alice arrived it was their home they welcomed them into. Alice was over the moon, telling aunty Waverly all about the flight over, explaining how she had drawn a picture of the plane with the new pens Wynonna purchased for her before boarding. Waverly put it up on the wall telling her niece she would be an artist one day. 

Wynonna asked Nicole to go to the shop with her, a pretence to get her alone. They walked part of the way in silence, both not wanting to say what was on their mind. It took Wynonna to make the first move. “Haught, you’re not my favourite person. You know that. But, Waverly is her old self once more. She’s got her mojo back. So, I’m warning you, if you do anything to fuck this up…”

“I hear you. She loves it here. And, I love her more because she was brave enough to do this. You’re right, she’s come alive again. I can see it in her work. It’s beyond exceptional.”

“Whatever made you do what you did to her, it nearly destroyed our Waverly. Look who she is. Look what she can do. So, if you do get itchy feet again, just be really fucking sure you understand the consequences. You hear me?”

“I hear you. I’m going to ask her to marry me. I know she said no the last time, but I’ll keep asking until she says yes.”

“About that. I’ve never had a chance to ask you, but why the fuck did you marry that Shae?”

Nicole knew why, but being asked directly by Wynonna made the reality of what she had done all the more painful. “Shae is in rehab. She’s a high functioning alcoholic. Incredibly smart, but damaged. Like me. That’s how we ended up together. We recognised the damaged parts in each other.”

Wynonna listened, a morsel of pity for Nicole emerging, her dislike still very much evident. “Okay, I’ll buy that, apart from the marrying part.”

“She was struggling when I got back. We both needed a break, ended up in Vegas. Her drinking had become worse, it was wrong, I knew it was wrong, but she was adamant she’d destroy herself if we didn’t get married. As soon as I put the ring on, I knew I’d done the worse thing in my life. And, it didn’t save her. I couldn’t save her, not from herself. Not from the demons she drank to forget.”

“Fucking hell. You really don’t do life lite do you.”

Nicole smiled. “Nope. Why do easy, when you can fuck everyone else’s life up.”

“Did you love her?”

“Shae? Not like Waverly. I felt sorry for her. I didn’t want her to suffer, but as Jill said we can’t take on another’s problems. It never works out well.”

“God, Nicole. Look, I have to say this, but you’re not expecting Waverly to save you? Are you?”

“No. If it wasn’t for Waverly I would never have started therapy, never have sat down and talked through how fucked up my own life is. I always thought therapy was a pity party. I know my parents weren’t the best. I am fully aware my ability to be in a healthy relationship has suffered because of that.”

Wynonna laughed. “You could say that. You jumped out a fucking window to avoid dealing with me.”

“Yeah. I did that. So fucked up.”

“So, you intending jumping through any more windows, Haught?”

“Maybe. I’m joking. Wynonna, I’m joking. No. Never. And, I mean that. I’ve got everything I ever wanted with Waverly. And more. No more windows for me. Unless it’s the window to her heart.”

“So, when are you going to ask her?”

“I’ve booked us into a hotel. If she says yes we’ll have a party when we get back. What do you think?”

“Or, we could come over again. I mean, Alice could do with the break.”

“Really,” Nicole replied. “Only Alice.”

Waverly studied the pair as they entered the room, wondering why both were smiling. She knew Wynonna well enough to guess she had been grilling Nicole. Thankfully, Nicole looked relaxed. Whatever they had discussed was between them, even though she was dying to know.

She was sad saying goodbye to her sister and niece, a few tears shed as she waved them off at Charles de Gaulle airport. Nicole had gone to the Paris office promising to be back in time to take her out for an evening meal. Waverly’s studies were progressing, her work transforming before her very eyes. She was grateful to be able to explore new avenues of creativity, feeling more alive than ever before.

Nicole picked her up from the apartment, suggesting they try a new restaurant in a quiet location she had found. The meal was delightful, service exceptional, atmosphere relaxed. As the bill was presented, Nicole rummaged in her jacket pocket, a look of concern on her face. “I had it here. Fuck, I’ve lost it.”

“Lost what?”

Nicole looked into Waverly’s eyes, smiling. “My heart. You must have it. Waverly Earp, I’ll let you keep it if you let me give you this.”

Nicole pushed a small black velvet box across the table. Waverly opened it, gasping. “It’s beautiful. It’s just a ring right?”

Nicole laughed. “Nope. Definitely not just a ring.”


	25. Journey to Nowhere ('18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole can't accept she is loved for who she is. It's alien to her...

The journey back to Dan’s was quiet, too quiet, each in their own bubble, each still hungover, not entirely sure where they stood with the other, not entirely sure where this part of their lives was going. Nicole desired a life with Waverly, yet had so little understanding of how to be with another in a way that wasn't dysfunctional. Her time with Shae taught her how to exist alongside someone hell bent in using alcohol to drown out painful emotions. Then there were her parents, who taught her how to exist in a household without ever feeling a welcome part of it, leaving her with little choice but to disown her own painful emotions. 

She wanted more with Waverly. Much more. She wanted a loving, normal, fulfilling relationship. Whatever that meant, or entailed. She would need Waverly to guide her, lead her through the crowded thoughts in her mind, out to a space where they could be together.

Waverly played with the ring on her finger. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For this. Do you want to move a few things into my room at Michelle’s?”

Nicole kept her eyes on the road. “I was thinking you could stay at Dan’s. He’s said you can have whatever room works as a studio. Bring your artist materials over, set yourself up.”

“You’ve mentioned this to Dan already?” Waverly asked.

“He adores your work. He’s fascinated by the way you paint.”

“But, you mentioned me staying there?”

Nicole adjusted herself in the seat. “I merely mentioned it as a possibility. Is that a problem?”

“Hey, it’s fine. I can set up a studio at Dan’s. There’s so much light in his place. Would be interesting to explore it through my pieces.”

“It was only an idea.”

Waverly felt a lurch in her stomach at those words. "Tell me. Something’s bothering you.”

“Not really. I think the weekend and not getting a proper night’s sleep…”

“And, whose fault was that?” Waverly teased.

“Do you mind if I leave you at Michelle’s. I’ve got a meeting with the advertising agency tomorrow morning early.”

“You okay? You seem distant. Have I done something to upset you?”

Nicole glanced over, her smile unconvincing. “I’m fine, really. I’ll pick you up after my meetings. We could go for lunch somewhere.”

“The bistro that’s just opened. So want to eat French right now.”

“Moi?” Nicole asked, attempting to break the tension in the car, eliciting a laugh from Waverly. 

Nicole pulled up outside Michelle’s, exiting the vehicle without speaking, extracting Waverly’s bags from the back. Waverly’s phone buzzed, a message from Chrissy to say Wynonna was still alive and she would be returning her home later that day. “Did you want to come in? Say hi to Michelle.”

Nicole hesitated. She needed space to process the weekend, but didn’t want to brush off Waverly entirely. “Sure, can’t stay long. Plus, I’m parked in the wrong place.”

“It’s fine,” Waverly replied. “Sunday, no warden patrolling.”

Nicole sat drinking a cup of coffee, listening to the conversation between mother and daughter. How she longed to have had a similar loving relationship with her own mother. It was clear Michelle adored her daughters, would do anything for them, protect them with her own life if necessary. She asked Nicole about the weekend, what she liked about it, what she didn’t. Her own mother had never been as interested in her life, any lengthy conversation considered an inconvenience, a distraction from the vodka-soaked existence to numb her own pain and the poker games she played with supposed friends. 

Waverly showed her mother the ring, who agreed it was unusual, pretty, suiting Waverly’s finger perfectly. Nicole watched as she played with it, turning the ring to follow the shape of what was once a dainty silver spoon. And, as she played with it, the enormity of what Nicole intended with that ring punched her in the gut. She came so close to making it forever with Waverly and now, under the clinical inspection of kitchen lights, it scared her. As much as she wanted that life with Waverly, she was completely and totally terrified of being loved by another, failing to understand Waverly might want nothing more from her other than to be able to love her. Simply to love her.

She had spent her whole life until this moment chasing the affections of those who couldn’t or wouldn’t love her for who she was. And here she was, finally, sitting with the one person who did, the one person perfect for her in every way, feeling utterly overwhelmed. Waverly was smiling at her, holding her hand out, showing off the ring, Michelle rambling on about it being an ideal choice for an artist. She needed to leave, fast, before the terror in her eyes was detected. In case the one she had said she loved realised it was all an act. That she was an imposter, pretending she had the ability to love another, when she could barely love herself.

Waverly watched as she stood, making her excuses, saying she needed to get going. A quick kiss at the front door she was gone, Michelle continuing their conversation, admiring the ring once more. It really was a pretty ring, Waverly deciding not to mention her conversation with Chrissy about any intentions behind it. 

Nicole threw her bag on the bed. Her muscles ached, she was tired and she really, really needed a shower. The warm water soothed her body, not her mind, the sickening realisation she had acted rashly. She wanted to be with her, and yet was thankful of Waverly’s casual dismissal of her intentions, sparing her from having to face what she feared most. And, she was scared. Scared of being with Waverly. Scared of not being with Waverly. Even more scared Waverly would suss her out, peer behind the flimsy façade and see the ugly truth that she was utterly and completely unlovable. Damaged goods. Unworthy of anyone's affection.

Dan was in his study, busy working on the final details of the marketing schedule for the launch of three new stores. He looked up as Nicole entered, tired eyes greeting her. “How was the weekend?”

“Good. Thanks for the car. You were right about the mud.”

“Did Waverly come back with you?”

“No. Has a few things she needs to do.”

“You two really are good together. Nigel and I keep saying how well you two get on.”

“Yep. We get on. Bought her a ring.”

Nigel stopped what he was doing, looking at Nicole. “Do I need to get my best suit dry cleaned?”

“Nothing like that. Just a ring. Well, it was to Waverly.”

“Did she not like it?”

“Antique spoon. When did you know Nigel was the one?”

“Fairly early in our relationship. Our lives came together when we both needed each other. He kept me alive when I wasn’t sure of my own direction. Is Waverly the one?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I got the signals wrong.”

“That doesn’t sound promising. Has something happened between you two?”

“You fancy a Harry Potter re-run. I could do with the distraction.”

“So long as we get my favourite pizza. And root beer. I’m craving root beer for some unknown reason. Listen, here’s my advice, not that you want your uncle’s advice. Waverly’s adorable, but if this isn’t right for you, or her, don’t force it. You can’t hurry these things. Love happens when it happens.”

All Nicole was thinking about as she watched the films, tucking into slices of pizza, was love. How naive, she thought, telling Waverly she loved her. Unable to sleep she headed to the pool shortly after midnight to work off the tension in her body. She had never felt this way about anyone. Fear and lust moving through her veins. Not wanting Waverly. Wanting Waverly.

Waverly hadn't called. Nicole knew if she rang her that time of night she might not get a response. Texting was pointless. It was no use, she had to see her. She stood outside Michelle’s house, looking up at Waverly’s bedroom window, debating with herself whether to throw a stone. Decision made, she selected a smallish grey one from the garden, cleaning it to remove the dirt. Her aim precise, the stone found its target, shattering the window in the process.

A light went on in Waverly’s bedroom, curtains being drawn. She stood there, caught in a scene unfolding around her, Michelle coming to the door, swearing, the first time she ever heard Michelle swear. “I’m really sorry. I wanted to speak to Waverly.”

“Phones, Nicole. We use phones, not stones in England. Honestly, gave me the fright of my life. Come in. Waverly’s probably wide awake after your antics.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll pay for the repairs.”

“It’s fine. Go up, and mind where you step if there’s broken glass. I’ll bring up a dustpan and brush. Honestly.”

Waverly was at the top of the stars, grinning. “I would have answered my phone. You okay?”

“Michelle’s mad at me.”

“I’m not mad,” Michelle shouted from the kitchen. “Go up.”

Nicole headed upstairs, Waverly attempting to kiss her, sensing the tension. “She’s probably a little mad at you, but it’s fine. Actually, quite funny. It will be another thing to remember the weekend by.”

“Right. About that.”

Waverly led her into the bedroom, closing the door, careful not to go near the shards of glass laying on the floor. The pair sat at the end of the bed, Nicole playing with her nails, Waverly noticing she had removed the ring again. As she looked up, Waverly could see a sadness in her eyes, wondering what was going on inside Nicole’s head. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m so lucky to have found you. I know I can be distant and I forget sometimes what’s important in my life. I want you to know you are important.”

“Hey, you’re important to me too. We’ve got our whole future together. You and me. We’ve got so much to look forward to. I’m really excited.”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I love you. Why wouldn’t I? You’re the most precious person in the world to me.”

Nicole lowered her eyes. “I need to go away for a few days. On a business trip. Wish I didn’t have to, but…”

“How long will you be gone?”

“A week tops. We can do something when I get back.”

“We could go camping. Fun things happen when we go camping.”

“Anything but camping. Way too much mud for me.”

“Do you want to stay? I’d better clear up the glass.”

“I can't. Early start tomorrow. I really do love you Waverly Earp.”

“And, I love you Nicole E.T. Haught. Are you sure you can’t stay?”

Nicole raised her index finger to her heart. “Ouch.”

“You’ll make me cry again,” Waverly replied. “God, I love you, you adorable alien.”

Nicole drove back to Dan’s, opening her laptop, knowing what she was about to do was wrong, not knowing any other way to extract herself from where she was heading with Waverly. A direction she no longer knew how to control other than by running from it. She adored her, wanted nothing more than to be with her. Yet, here she was planning to run away, as far and as fast as she could. For how long she didn’t know. Just long enough to get her head straight. Give herself enough time and space to come to terms with being loved by someone so beautiful, so perfect as Waverly. 

She called up the travel page, entering her details, waiting for the flight options to load. She selected a one-way ticket to New York, clicking on the button to accept the flight, waiting for the confirmation message to appear. Bags packed, she chose not to tell Dan and Nigel, leaving very early the next morning, just before sunrise. The beauty of Beaulieu shining out as she drove away.


	26. Epilogue ('19)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so, to conclude...

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The delight on Waverly’s face told Nicole this time she had got it right. Perfect, in fact. Only because the last time had not been right, or the time before that. Or, any moment before. She had not been ready, she understood now, wanting something before going through the demanding process of growing into this moment.

And, she most definitely had experienced growing pains. Her frank admission to Waverly and Jill of being unlovable was the most painful experience she had allowed herself to go through, tearing off the band-aid in their presence to expose her wounded heart. Had she not run she might never have reached that moment where she no longer could escape from the negative thoughts she had about herself. She returned to Waverly, but really in her heart she returned to herself. The love Waverly showed her breaking through all her defences, making her realise she was lovable, however fucked up she thought she was. She was lovable. Beautiful in her brokenness.

“You like it?” she asked, as Waverly tried on the ring. The right finger this time.

“It’s perfect. So me.”

Nicole laughed. “So Waverly Earp, will you marry me?”

“Nope.”

“I’ll keep asking you know.”

“It’s a no because I need to ask you something. Well, a couple of things, actually. So Nicole Haught, will you promise to fuck me forever?”

“I Promise," Nicole replied, smirking.

“And, will you kiss me forever?”

“Naturally.”

“And, will you stay with me forever?”

“Obviously. You forgot the alien part.”

Waverly reached across the table, her hand gently rubbing Nicole’s. “I think we can drop the alien part. You are a fully functioning, beautiful, far too beautiful I might add, human being.”

Nicole moved her finger to Waverly's lips. “Ouch.”

They walked hand in hand to the hotel, neither needing to say anything. Waverly phoned Michelle the next morning telling her the good news. Her mother was silent, nervous Nicole would do another disappearing act, unaware Nicole had no intention of ever doing so again. 

Their first argument as an engaged couple was a doozy, Nicole flustered about something at work, unable to settle in the apartment, sitting on a tube of paint Waverly accidentally left on the couch when she took a call from Wynonna. Waverly apologised repeatedly, Nicole growing angrier, not at her, not at the red paint on her pants and the cushion, merely because in the past she simply would have walked away, or climbed her way out of feeling this emotion. 

Waverly stood her ground, explaining it wasn’t intentional, that she would clean everything up. Nicole could hear the rage behind her words, screaming out accusations about if she was loved this would not happen. It took Waverly’s calm acceptance of Nicole’s outburst, non-reaction to Nicole’s vitriol to get her to realise she was shouting into the wind. 

“Do you need to go for a walk?” Waverly suggested. “Not too far though, my love. Like New York.”

Nicole stopped dead, looking at her lover, the storm passing, laughter erupting. Tears of joy and anger mixed on her face, creating a new emotion in her. Peace. She was at peace with herself finally. Pulling Waverly into an embrace, she kissed her with all the passion previously reserved for stuffing down all in her life she hated. Nicole could see Waverly grinning. “What? Tell me.”

“You’re still in the room.”

Nicole looked round. The desire to run was no longer there anymore, only the desire to take Waverly to their bedroom. She grabbed her hand, leading her out, glancing back at the one she loved. “You’re in so much trouble.”

Waverly squealed. “Goodie. I’ve been a bad, bad girl.”

“You have, Waverly Earp. You most certainly have.”

Waverly’s course was nearing completion, both sad not to be staying longer. Chrissy was visiting, immediately falling in love with their apartment and its location, knowing it was the best move Waverly had ever made. She too had a quiet word with Nicole, checking she was there for Waverly. She could tell she was, Nicole more honest in her responses, fully aware how lucky she was that Waverly had taken her back after all she’d done to jeopardise their relationship. 

“How long you planning on sticking around?” Chrissy asked, while Waverly was out buying more wine.

“Forever.”

“No, I meant here. How long will you stay in Paris?”

“Oh, right. Yes, another month. I think Waverly would like to stay longer.”

“Why don’t you? There’s nothing in Beaulieu, and you and I both know she’s blossomed since being here.”

Nicole pondered the idea. She assumed Waverly wanted to get back to be with her family. She would go wherever Waverly wanted. “I should ask her.”

“Ask her what?” Waverly said, entering with a carrier bag, the contents clinking against each other. “Ask what?”

“Do you fancy staying in Paris a little longer?”

The look on Waverly’s face told them what her answer was. “Will it work for you?”

“The Paris office is good for me. And, I can always pop over to the UK as and when I'm needed there.”

Nicole could see the look of concern on Chrissy’s face. “With Waverly. I don’t fly solo anymore.”

“Thank fuck for that,” Chrissy replied. “Was about to burn your passport. Let’s get that wine opened. This calls for a celebration.”

They moved into their new apartment three weeks later. Wynonna came to help, insisting on staying a few more days to help them adjust to their larger home. She left a small case in the guest room for her return, hugging her sister, then Nicole, wishing them both every happiness. Dan threw them a party at a swanky hotel in the centre of Paris, flying out a small gathering of family and friends to be with the couple. His speech was moving, Nigel crying and Waverly. Michelle promised to come to dinner at Dan's one evening, the two families united once more through love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beauty in brokenness: Kintsugi (golden joinery) is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the breaks with lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats any crack as part of the history of an object. It also means the piece is not discarded, rather it is celebrated precisely because of its brokenness...!
> 
> The ring Nicole first bought Waverly (vintage silver teaspoon) is a nod to reusing an item, rather than discarding it. 
> 
> From Psychology Today: When we feel unloved, our mind makes up a story about how unlovable we are, filling in details about our supposed faults: not attractive enough, not intelligent enough, or too flawed, too broken to be loved.
> 
> In love & light...
> 
> Alexa play: Wildwood Kin - Beauty in your Brokenness


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